Talkin' Bacon, Sex, and Drugs: Interview With Porky Pig

It's about 9:30am, I'm sitting in a booth waiting for my guest to arrive, and my Borscht is still too hot to eat at the moment. Rudy Romanovich is the man, "Rasputan's" proprietor; he's hooked me up with some old KGB and Red Army gear in the past, and now he's in the back room looking for something special for the interview. I don't drink, but my guest is quite the lush, so a little homemade motherland vodka from the freezer will grace our booth tonight.

I've set my self upright, so I can peer over into the next booth to try to hang on a word or two of whatever the local ruskie mobsters got going on today. Damn good thing I bring cash only here. I don't want Ivan to get frisky with my identity.

About 10:20, my guest comes hoofing through the glass doors, and as usual he's not wearing any pants. His trademark blue coat and red bowtie were replaced with a black alligator skin jacket and a bolo. A couple of the late-night patrons take time out from their kidney/potato/whatevers and fall silent. Some just follow this stubby creature around with pity in their eyes, while some have started to give out chatter of recognition. None of this even seems to effect him at all. A veteran of film and T.V. for over 60 years, Porky Pig has seen it all and left a trail of "dead" that would be the envy of the likes of Stalin himself.

TG: Well, you haven't aged much. (Not true, but what else could I say?) I guess some cartoon characters are just ageless. How are you doing, Mr. Pig?
PP: Fuh-fine. P-Porky...cuh-c-call muh-me-ah Porky.
TG: Uh okay, Porky.
PP: Buh-be-a-b-b-buh-better.
TG: Well, what's life been like for you these days?
PP:Wuh-wuh-wuh-well, i-its been a be-uh-bit b-better than the p-past.
TG:Well, you have been playing golf. I saw you at the charity putt putt, spay a mutt celebrity golf tournie. How'd you end up doing?
PP: Oh, fuh-f-fuh...shitty!
TG:Well, at least you finally made it here.
PP:W-w-w-where the f-fuh...hell is my g-glass? I want t-to start on the-a-this bitch ruh-right away. Oh, the hee-uh-hell with it.(Porky proceeds to down about half the bottle, letting a little drip down the front of his saggy pink sextets).
TG: Porky, most people think of you as a lovable, if not somewhat bumbling character. What they don't see is the darker side of Porky Pig. Tell us a little about that part of you. The part that I've heard you refer to as "The Dirty Black Forest Ham".
PP: Oh, gee-o-god. W-where to start? Um, we-uh-well I uh had started doing the hard drugs a-bee-a-bout the t-time that Me-uh-Mel Blanc st-started phoning it in. We-a-what p-p-people d-don't know about Mel was that he was jee-ah-just a c-corporate suit tee-uh-taking credit for shit that he nee-a-never had anything to dee-a-dee-do with. Thee-uh-that's another story, altogether. B-b-b-but, about that time I-ya h-had all this mee-a-me-me-money, and Petunia started lee-ah-letting herself go a bit. The-uh-first little kink in the le-line right there, I'm afraid.
TG: I think you really need to give me more on this. I'm not naive. I have heard a thing or two about you and Foghorn Leghorn running around with the Hanna Barbara crowd and really stirring it up on the Sunset Strip during the '70s. I mean, the incident with Josie and the Pussycats an' you two, my gosh. Elaborate for us, please.
PP: We-uh-well, as the late R-ree-uh-Rick James said, "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
TG: But, that doesn't explain the severe gang-rape of Jinx and Minx?
PP: Those Puh-Pussies, er-uh, Pussycats sure had a mean streak. Fuh-Foghorn had gee-a-given them some P-P-Puh-PCP laced wrapping papers, soaked in formaldehyde and they got all Bundy on us. EE-uh-It was f-fuh-some pretty w-wild shit, and Jinx and Minx just happened to be tied ee-u-up.
TG: Well that explains why their show was cancelled. Okay, while were on the subject of wild, have you ever...you know...tried bacon?
PP: We-uh-well t-technically I'm just a cleverly disguised satyr, but I do enjoy b-bacon, especially Petunia.
TG: Satyr, really? All this time?
PP: Yee-ah-yes, I have to gee-uh-get my legs waxed regularly.
TG: I'm feeling a little disenchanted now. Seriously? Damn! I just don't know what to say. Well, I must ask about Daffy Duck. Which one did you get along with the best: Crazy Daffy or Pathetic Daffy?
PP: Cu-crazy Daffy wuh-was a f-fuh, damn genius. When they h-had to step in and put him away, I was heart broken. His replacement was mmm-more popular, but only became the bee-a-butt of the j-jokes.
TG: And what of you're relationship with the man, Buggs Bunny?
PP:Cuh-certainly a fuh-force to be r-rrr-reckoned with. He-uh always felt above the rest of us and hid away in his trailer with his special friend. Nee-uh-noody knew that he and Elmer Fudd were lovers, 'cept Sylvester and he told me over some t-tweety pie.
TG: Really? Damn! So Buggs was gay then? I would have thought that Sylvester was, out of the lot of you.
PP: Beastiasexual.
TG: What, because it's consensual?
PP: Ree-uh-right.
TG: What was "girl" Buggs like in the sack?
PP: A tee-uh-tease.
TG: Pretty damn sexy though.
PP: Yee-a-you got that right.
TG: Any chance of you and Petunia getting back together?
PP: N-no.
TG: Why not?
PP: Shu-she and Droopy have been together for years. They're retired and living it up in the Azores, at the mu-me-uh-moment.
TG: I always liked that Droopy and you knew that he was quite the ladies man. Okay, looking back on your career, what would you say is your proudest achievement?
PP: E-easy. The time that I-I-uhhhh dee-uh-did my last sign off.
TG: But it was always the same, right? "Thee-uh-thee-uh that's all folks!"
PP: Thee-uh-this one d-didn't air.
TG: Really? What was it, then?
PP: Fee-uh-fu-fee-uh-fu-fuck off, folks!