What are the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger", anyway? Hell, it was just about killing me today. This dude I work with was singing his version that went, "It's the eye of the tiger; it's the cream of the crop." That's wrong. That's more than wrong. That's Captain Kangaroo screwing a monkey without a condom wrong. I fought over and over with this guy about this. I said, "You are going to make me punch you out for being so ignorant, you twit. It's 'Eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight'...no, 'will to fight', uh, 'Key to the fight'? Shit, now look what you made me do, twerp!" So, after a bit, I decided to take his version and give it a twist, chorus: "It's the pie of the tiger; it's the cream of the corn. Rising up to the bowl on the table. Making love with a forklift and a rabid raccoon. And you're wearing all of your mother's clothes: Smelling the diaper." Pretty damn catchy, if you ask me.
A long, long, time ago, I walked into my brother's room and as soon as I opened the door he threw a jar of Vaseline at me. The funniest part was that he was asleep and had a trumpet in bed with him. Hell-if-I-knew what was going on in there, so I cheezed it on outta Dodge, quick.
Just a couple of days ago, I was in a building and needed to use the restroom. It was occupied and I heard some noises of frustration coming out of there. I knocked again and added, "You alright, buddy?" Honest to God, this was the reply, "Well, I'm sorry mister, but I'm busy right now trying to take care of some nuts that aren't cooperating with me." Gee-Zeus Almighty! I burst out laughing right at the door and the dude wasn't too happy about it. He absolutely did not get it, at all. It turned out that he was a plumber working on the toilet.
This one is from a while back, from my "Hoover Salesman" years. (No questions about this one, okay? In good time.) My associate/roomie was keeping me up at night talking in his sleep in Portuguese. I had tried to tell him that he did, indeed, talk in his sleep and that it kept me up. He didn't believe me, so I used my voice-activated micro-cassette dictaphone to capture his conversations with the Sandman.
Surprisingly, I slept well that night. But, I thought that this meant that nothing had happened, and I'd have to wait a little longer to prove to him that he was a sleep yabber. Upon review, I caught a few busses and loud motorcycles and me slamming my body against the wall (this happens). But, near the end of the tape I caught this: "Uuuunt....Uhhhhhoooo...Ahhhhhhhh...AHHHHHHH!...(then a little quieter) Oh no, the dangit, ehh." I was wondering why his sheets were gone, and now I knew why: I captured him on tape having a wet dream. This was much better than getting evidence of him talking in his sleep. I ended up giving him the tape, after a little blackmail.
Next: There was this dude that was uber fascinated with bodily functions. Namely, farts and such. His idea of fun was giving you a "buttercup". This is where you capture the essence of your fart in your cupped hands and fling it right into the nostrils of an innocent bystander. This guy also recorded his farts and gastral groans. He had this recording that he called "The Growl". It sounded just like a dog, but it was a fart. Here's the topper: This guy found out a way to collect his farts and concentrate them in a Mason jar. This is how he did it: he'd sit in a tub full of water, take the water-filled Mason jar and submerge it with the lid facing down; he'd then open the lid of this jar and catch the air bubbles of his farts; this would then push out a little water each time a new fart was caught; he'd close the lid while in the water to seal the fart in. Eventually, all the water would all be gone, and what you had left was just one, pure, concentrated fart.
We had this little get together and here this guy comes holding this jar that he'd been working on. We all thought that it wouldn't work, but boy were we wrong. We all gathered around in a circle and this guy opens the lid to the "Fart" jar. At first, nothing; then he started shaking the jar up and down and fwah, that was the nastiest fart ever invented. DAMN!!!
This is just the tip of the iceberg. A guy like me is flypaper to stuff like this.
3 years ago