Thursday, February 04, 2016

I wanna rock...

Wouldn't the world be a much better place if this happened instead?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Toaster Coven

I can picture it now: witches gathered in black masses, waiting for their toaster strudels to reach golden perfection, a Hermetic Order of the Golden Crust, if you will. Maybe there's a witch who just wants a bagel to go.  Cursing and cackling sure do work up an appetite.  Hell, bake a damn potato, a pot pie, a friggin' french bread pizza! Holy shit!

I think the young girl witches start off with some kind of satanic easy bake oven, er, easy bake coven, but instead of a 90 watt bulb, it is a burning ember straight from Satan's asshole.  Surprisingly, this does not effect the taste of the cupcakes.  Wait...this sounds way more badass than a stupid toaster oven. 

Maybe what makes a toaster coven a step up from the satanic easy bake oven is the sisterhood that is developed around convenient baked goods and hot buttered toast. Yeah, and just try fitting a baby into an easy bake oven, satanic or otherwise.  Now I totally get it.

Anyway, I wonder if Jinx Dawson sang this tune after having an evil Pop Tart, or something.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Genesis weren't always lame

Genesis with Peter Gabriel is what gets me feeling all proggy inside.  "The Lamia" is a great track from the final album from the Peter Gabriel fronted Genesis, The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.  If you are into prog rock that's weird and complex, not boring, the Genesis albums from "Trespass" to "Lamb" are worth a listen to. Peter Gabriel was doing some very interesting theater in concerts back in those days.  He liked to make up strange characters and even stranger costumes to portray them.  It's all worth checking out if, say, you are recovering from surgery and enjoy teasing guys about their belief in the healing power of puppies. Yeah.

Friday, January 15, 2016

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday!!!) Experimenting

Experimenting is fun, just ask me, Sir Bartholomew J. Gruntington III.  I once kissed a man...and I liked it? Nope, I wasn't quite fond of it, as you can see, but at least I know.  And if watching G.I. Joe cartoons has taught me anything, it's that knowing is half the battle. Why hate on that, brah? 

P.S. I also don't like being kissed by drunks who chain smoke, as in this picture.  Even though he got to taste my pristine white-boy lips, and had many fun-filled adventures, in the end he rejected my offers of enlightenment and did not buy the Jebus© brand vacuum cleaners I was selling.  Folks, if your vacuum doesn't give you a burning in your bosom, or whisper inspiration into your ears while cleaning, you're using a fallen vacuum cleaner or doing it wrong.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Lost Dream Clown

Get outta my freakin' room! I don't know how you managed to escape, but you need to get back in my head and dance, juggle shit, plus fall down a lot so I can laugh myself to sleep.

I'm really quite sane. I promise.

Friday, January 01, 2016

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday!!!) Han Solo's Illegitimate Son, Keytar

Many people do not know this, but aside from Ben Solo (Kylo Ren), Han Solo had fathered many other kids throughout the Star Wars galaxy, albeit, illegitimately.  I mean, you didn't expect an intergalactic smuggler to stay celibate while hitting all those freaky space bars, did you?  And as for his special relationship with Chewie, I mean, do you know how hard it is to get wookie hair out of your asshole? Sharp teeth much?? Nope! No, Han had a blowup doll to tide him over to the next stop. 

It was at the most infamous of space bars, Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine, that Han met Keytar's mother, Laimee Ryenou, and also where Keytar was concieved, in the droid closet.  Funnily enough, that's what Laimee called her space vagina.  I don't know what the difference between a space vagina and a regular one is, but I think it has something to do with how bad things have got stretched out or something to do with hitting "light speed", or passing through a wormhole.  Hey, at least she didn't call it her "sarlacc pit". Fun fact: Luke Skywalker lost the skin off of his robot hand to a rather voracious "droid closet".

Anyway, Han's inspiration in naming Keytar came from the music that was playing by the band, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. It was one of the Nodes who took the spotlight, playing an outright brain-defying solo on his signature instrument right as Han and Laimee were hitting "light speed" together. Erm, well, we all know that Han shot first....we'll leave it at that. Back to that glorious instrument. What was it, you ask?  Well, it was none other than the keytar!
Han didn't keep in touch very often with his Tatooine lady, nor made much of an effort to connect with his son, Keytar Solo.  It's sad, really, because Keytar is a bit of an unsung hero in the Star Wars universe.  He was a pioneer for interspecies gay rights (one who is sexually attracted to an intelligent being of the same sex, but not of the same species). Mainly, he took his fight to the Empire, choosing to change things within the system.  This was a bold move, seeing has how uptight the Darkside is about anything that could be construed as "space gay".  You'd think it would be different, with the name "Darkside", right?

Whatever happened to Keytar Solo, you ask? Well rumor has it, after his long campaign for "space gay rights" within the Empire and tenure as a daytime talk show host, Keytar settled down with his Ewok longtime companion, Furtürd, on some far away beach planet (space gay marriages hadn't been legalized yet). Ever seen a hairless Ewok? That's how you can tell, my friends.

The irony in all of this is that Keytar Solo never learned how to play the keytar.  In fact, he didn't much care for that instrument at all.  Strange.