Sunday, November 29, 2009

Off ramps are the new toll booths, vegan hair, and sensless time machine violence

The healing begins...

If you are part of the growing homeless population, never fear, there is hope. You may think that you are jobless and without hope for a bright future, but you can join the ranks of "independent", self-employed/appointed toll booth operators of our nations highway off ramps. Yes, it can be you, the guilt-inducing village idiot, that comes up to my car and demands funds for your unfortunate circumstances. It has become such that when getting on the highway that I would rather drive to the middle of Death Valley and start selling beef jerky from a trailer just to get away from you. I must tell you a story that happened to me today. I was in this situation and I gave the man a few bucks only to have him come back to my truck and demand more money. When I didn't give him any more money, he started cussing at me. Yay! Charity is fun.

Being the youngest, I am handed the scraps of my deceased sister's estate. I am okay with this. My oldest sister gets a fairly nice car and I get...shampoo. However, this is no ordinary shampoo, folks. No, this is vegan shampoo. Even better, it is vegan shampoo that gives your hair more body! This sounds a bit paradoxical: going vegan usually involves losing body. But hey, I'm open minded and went ahead and tried it. The first day seemed to go well enough. My hair smelled better--they say that vegans do--and I did have a rather shiny coat of fur atop my noggin. It was after day three that things got a little strange. I woke up and found a whole pile of spare rib bones on my pillow. I think my hair is trying to tell me something.

I was angered the other day by somebody referring to my sister as being a "drunk". It was then that a rather strange thought came to my mind: I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, you ponce! I have no idea what going back in time would actually do, so I thought this was a bit silly. Then I was cut off by some douche bag on the highway and I said it this time, "I am going to get a time machine and punch you in the face two days ago, peckerwood!" It was then that I realized that if I punched them in the present it would be a little too on the nose, no pun intended. If I came up to them two days earlier and said that I had a message from the future (I'd wear a space suit disguise or something) then punched them, then they would be mystified and shit their pants. It would just be great fun to use a time machine for such senseless purposes. I guess I wouldn't need a time machine to wear a space suit and punch people. It probably has the same effect from their point of view.

I have come to the conclusion that Bigfoot is just a ghost wearing a fur coat.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I can't choose everything that I experience. I can choose how I use my experience.

The funeral was sad, beautiful, and spiritual. My eulogy went well, I am told. I really felt something strong surrounding me as I spoke. Bonnie had a great send off.

Going back to work was hard. Having people ask me how she died brought back bad memories for me. I am starting to feel that her death was suicide, but committed under extreme impairment--most likely an accidental overdose. If she was cognizant of her actions, then she would have left a letter and had some kind of "send off" for herself. She loved her family too much to leave without saying something.

I can hear her call my name out of my sleep, startling me awake.

I feel guilty sometimes for wanting her back.

She shouldn't ever have to go back. She completed her mortality. Now she knows what only an immortal can know.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More about my sister

This is my big sister Bonnie. Actually, she wasn't that big, only 5'4". This was a photo taken by my youngest older sister, Debbie, this June. They went on a trip together after Bonnie completed a stay at the "Unie" detox clinic. I really want to get across the fact that my sister was making a strong effort to kick this thing. This is why this death comes as a great shock to me and my family.

Bonnie had struggled off and on with alcohol the past 20 years of her life. Mostly, she was just a functioning alcoholic, in that she really kept it hid and it didn't seem to hinder her much. Our family didn't even know about her struggle until after this Christmas. She spent years on the wagon, then would slip off, then get back on again for a long time. What made the difference this time was that she now had a gastric bypass that wouldn't allow her stomach to metabolize the alcohol. Essentially, the alcohol would go straight to her liver.

What triggered all of this was a boyfriend that got her back into drinking. This guy was no louse at all, it's just that I think that he and my sister had no idea the potential danger of her starting to drink again. After he left to go back East to where he worked it really was too much for my sister. She was also working hard, sixteen-hour days with a new federal judge with a heavy case load. Drinking is great fun if you are already happy and not alone. Drinking is quite the opposite when you are alone and trying to douse your depression. Add to that mix alcoholism and the other conditions and alcohol is downright diabolical.

Bonnie was a sweet person. She was always trying to keep me on the straight and narrow when I was growing up. I did not know of a more tender-hearted human on this earth. She struggled a great deal throughout her life with depression and with high expectations. Her intellect was incredible and her academic achievements were to match. Bonnie was an English Literature major at the University of Utah and graduated with honors. She worked for law firms, the state supreme courts, and the federal courts.

As I said earlier, my sister was very feeling. However, this sensitivity was also a great burden to her. She often felt bombarded with noise and light. Other people's idiosyncrasies would become unbearable for her. The problem was that she would feel an enormous amount of guilt over her becoming annoyed with others. The court cases that she was involved in haunted her a great deal. The images of child rape, child pornography, and murder cases were unwelcome guests in her mind. All she wanted to do was to assist in the justice system to see things put right.

Although Bonnie was beautiful and always had the attention of men, she felt very self conscious of her body. I think a great deal of women do. I had a hard time convincing her of how beautiful she was. When she wasn't drinking she struggled with eating disorders.

I always wished that there was someway that I could have waved a magic wand and made her struggles go away, but that is incredibly selfish thinking. She gained a lot from overcoming and dealing with those trials and I gained a lot of wisdom and love from trying to help, even though I never quite knew what I was doing. To wave a wand is to remove yourself, your emotion, and your toil--it is not being. A life without sacrifice is akin to the life a comfortable house pet.

Bonnie loved kids and wanted so much to be married and have a small family of her own. Recently, one of her goals that she made in rehab was to help give aide to children in Africa. On our last trip together to make her court appearance she kept saying that she was a "Freaking Rainbow" and then would proceed to hug me while I tried not to careen off of the highway going 80 miles an hour. We would all laugh about it after I had regained control of the car again. The best part was when she slipped up and said that she was a "Fucking Rainbow" and then said, "Sorry mom".

After rehab, she was happy to have a chance at life again and had many goals and plans to carry out. It was not to be, however.

I never knew how much pain a person could feel until I woke up Tuesday morning. My grief had grown exponentially from the previous night. I had no idea the physical pain, on top of all the other expected pain, I would feel from this loss. This morning was a bit better, but I still had the "sledgehammer" of grief feeling in my gut. My heart is heavy and I spend a lot of time wondering why. I am really sad that she was alone when she died and that I wasn't there to do something before it happened. I am also sad that I will not be able to see her body, as it was not presentable for viewing. I have no doubts that she is happy now and in a good place. It is just going to take me awhile to accept that in my heart and to overcome my grief.

Monday, November 16, 2009

My Bonnie

She just had her birthday this Halloween and was out of rehab the same day. That Monday she was overwhelmed with being terminated from her job. She closed herself off from everyone after that. I found out tonight that she has passed away. My parents made a lot of calls today to her apartment manager, the rehab facility, and finally the police. The police found her body in her apartment. She probably passed away on Friday sometime. I don't know the full details yet and won't know until the autopsy and investigation are completed. But the officer that my parents talked to said that there were no notes and that it looked as if her body had just failed.

I don't want to preach. Alcohol is such a curse to many in this world. She deserved better and I feel she at least does have that now. She was in so much pain. As good of a human being as she was, she had to deal with so much hardship in her life. She didn't deserve any of it. She led such an honorable life that the darkness that burdened her in her last year of life will not taint her legacy. She is my angel now.

I am very heart broken and sad, but I am dealing with this as well as could be expected. I miss her like crazy. She is loved. I love her. I just can't see her for awhile, but I feel that I will be with her again someday.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Leper Kahn

I often sit in a comfortable chair, drinking a Diet Coke, and think how unfair the world is.

I imagine a world where every person has free access to hugs and the right to refuse them--or the right to hug something in self defense.

Spaz is such a funny word. "Assistant to Spaz" is my job title.

I heard a man say that God loves irony. From this I also assume that God also gets a good chuckle out of not existing and existing at the same time. God must also enjoy giving one team a championship win because they prayed for it and letting the other team lose because they asked for the same thing. I also know of a kid who prayed to God that he would see a bear on his trip to Yellowstone and he did see one. I pray for a lot of things and I get mixed results. It is much like playing a slot machine that holds my eternal fate in its magic lever. What I meant to say is that I constantly fear pissing off the great slot machine up in the sky while hoping for enough winnings to pay for enough gas to make it back home. That is faith.

Some of the things that turned out for the better are still good while some of the other things that seemed good have actually turned out to follow a much more depressing course.

I have a hard time lately watching movies at home all the way through. There is something wrong with my attention span.

I have no current obsessions. It really worries me.

Well, in the immortal words of Ralph Wiggam, "Go Banana!'

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Do as Grunty says and buy something from Julie's Etsy store

Julie Schuler is a very talented painter and overall artist. She is also a die-hard Gruntonian. I thought it was about time that I gave her a well deserved shout out and post a link to her store: My Good Babushka.

I am a big fan of her paintings of classic horror figures and other weird or macabre subjects. She also does cute and cuddly--very diverse. Check out her work and buy something.