Monday, July 26, 2010

Attention please

No, really, I need your attention. I thrive off of it. I'd make a video of me juggling if I knew how to juggle. I could throw shit at old people if you want. Suggestions?

Don't you just love those "How's My Driving? Please call: #####" bumper stickers? I love thinking of alternative versions of this sticker. How about this: "How Am I Driving?" I like this because it isn't quite clear if the person is asking how good of a job they are doing driving or if they aren't sure how exactly they are driving the actual car--it's a total mystery what is happening. The next best one would be "How Am I For Driving?" This is one that would go well on an immigrant's delivery vehicle. My favorite one is, simply, "I'm Driving?" I would really want to know what kind of conversation I'd be in for when I made that phone call.

I often wonder if ants recognize me--you know, they are all like, "Holy shit, there he is! Run!!!" I would like to think so, and not that they just run away from me because I am just another large, moving object. I would make a great ant god, me thinks.

I am not sure that one should have all their dreams come true. If I did, then I would riding a metal bucket down a steep road while dodging creepy crosswalk-sign people (the ones made out of geometric shapes). I really need to stop eating spoiled food before bedtime.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Random, non-cripple-exploitative post

The subject matter of my last couple of posts probably kept a few of you away. Sorry.

I've been thinking about becoming an entrepreneur. One of my ideas is simply genius: Ghost massage parlors. The thing is that I really haven't decided whether the ghosts get the massages or they are the masseuse. The entertainment value of watching people massage thin air would be hilarious--kind of like a "groping" Tai chi. But then having a ghost give you a deep spiritual tissue massage would also be pretty far out, but maybe a bit too creepy for most. I think, in the end, I would only be able to offer massages by therapists wearing sheets and going "Oooooooooh" all the time. Well, come to think of it, that might actually work out.

I really haven't figured out what is so fancy about Fancy Feast. Do you really think that your cat is that hung up on aesthetics or is it just you pushing your own taste on your pet?

Here's a little song that I sing to cheer myself up at work:

Come listen to a story about a man named Jed,
He woke up naked in ol' granny's bed.
He went to the doctor and said, "It burns when I pee."
The doc said "Son, you got the drippin' G."
Gonorrhea that is, Neisseria gonorrhoeae, the clap, and shootin' gleet! Yee-haw!!!

Now, wasn't that fun?

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Don't take their parking spots, ok?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

What my dreams are like

BTW, if this clip intrigues you, then you must see the restored version of the movie that it is from, Alexandro Jordorowsky's The Holy Mountain. It is guaranteed to offend and freak you out.