Monday, April 10, 2006

Today I'm Coming Out of the Closet

Hello folks, Grunt here, I feel it's time to reveal something rather personal and secret to you about my sexual orientation: I, The Grunt, am a bedosexual. There, I said it. Oh, how I feel liberated!!!

It seems that since I was a little tyke I would sneak long naps without my parents knowing. In school I'd drift off thinking of my bed and how lovely it would be if only I could sleep with it at that moment. At work it's a constant battle of desire vs. duty. I know that my bed is lonely and it never has a headache. But, I'm such a lousy lover.

My bed told me the other day that I don't spend that much time with it anymore. I apologized, but the bed just sat there looking hurt. One thing about my bed is that it's cool if I cheat on it. It knows I love it, and that's all that matters. All I have to so is change its sheets on a regular basis.

Sometimes, I just lay on the bed and do nothing; It doesn't even mind. Other times I'll bring in a book and read it, or sit on my bed and play my guitar. I also like to try different positions with my bed, you know, roll around a bit. But, I don't do anything sick. A bed is not a woman, and should not be used as such.

One of these days, I'm going to put another bed next to it and go crazy. I just can't get enough of bed, sometimes. Hmmmn? Well, I knew I could confide in you guys. I don't feel like such a freak now.

All of this talk has me thinking of getting some bed right now.


Crystal said...

i am certainly glad that you don't violate your bed with sandwich bags. it's becoming a huge problem in our society today.

The Grunt said...

I think we should start an abused mattress awareness campaign.

Scott said...

I honour you for being able to speak about this candidly. Such an important topic that frankly does not get enough "airplay" thanks for bring awareness to this oft neglected orientation.



Gentleman-hobbs said...

Wish I could get up to bed. I am a jack russell with a permanent stiffy. Try as I might I just can't get passed even the first stair.

Logophile said...

Wow, Grunt, you are so brave, so honest.
I want you to know, the very second I think I can make a penny dishing this in a tell all book or a talk show, I am totally selling you out.
But thanks for trusting us.

The Grunt said...

Scott~thanks for understanding me, man.

Logo~I hope that someday you will be able to profit of my disclosures, too. That would then mean I'd made it.

Gentleman-Hobbs~Cheers mate, come by anytime. Jack russle terriers are bumped up to first class at this blog, BTW--even if they sport incredible stiffys.

Anonymous said...

I too am a bedosexual. Your courage has inspired me to admit it publicly. Sometimes I over-indulge in marathon naps. But as any good bedosexual, I always make my bed in the makes it more inviting when I get home, waiting for another session of a marathon nap.

mona said...

I would like to join your club, should we start a parade?

The Grunt said...

Yes, I think a parade is in order. We can also have the equivalent of the hippy movements love in: a sleep in. A-hoiyt!