Thursday, October 13, 2016

Thinky Brain vs. Feely Heart

Thinky Brain knows what's best for me, at least that's what it tells me.  Feely Heart wants me to believe in stuff that is unknowable, whether the stuff it wants me to believe in is totally bat-shit crazy doesn't seem to bother it at all.  Popular subjects that these two parts of me fight over are God, religion, politics, and love.  It seems that my Thinky Brain and my Feely Heart don't get along on these matters much.

I won't go into the specifics of each argument vying for my attention, but I will say that I'm fucking tired of Thinky Brain making my Feely Heart hurt and Feely Heart pissing off Thinky Brain with all of its mushy, illogical wants.  I always thought that it was a good thing to have a brain that would keep me out of trouble.  I also believed that my heart would always show me the way.  It seems like having these two things would be a match made in heaven for me and it would if they could ever agree on anything.

My Feely Heart loves it when I pig out on stuff that makes it feel good and my Thinky Brain just goes with it because it's all "I like thinking about why this is so damn good. It's because of bacon, right?" Winner: Both.

On matters of politics, Thinky Brain wants to find the evidence that backs up the candidates' claims and is interested in what will work, versus what will make me feel good about myself.  Feely Heart wants everybody to get along, but also wants affirmation that what it feels is right and is best for everyone else, even if what it feels has no basis in reality, reason, or logic. Feely Heart is also prone to acting on fear, but will never admit it. Winner: Thinky Brain.

When it comes to love, well, the battle isn't as one-sided as you'd think.  Sure, Feely Heart gets a lot of time at the podium here.  I get to hear all about how good or bad Feely Heart is feeling at any given moment--like constantly and unrelenting.  It's that blubbering, attention-starved teenager who is given the spotlight and wants so much for the world to know that they are the center of the universe. Feely Heart can also be a little prima-donna bitch in this matter, if you ask me.  Thinky Brain is mostly putting its fingers in its ears and repeating "la-la-la-la" until it can't take it any longer and screams "SHUT-UP, YOU NINNY!"  This is the point where Thinky Brain has to step in and take control of the situation. Thinky Brain is usually pissed off because it was on the verge of discovering the cure for cancer or some shit, but got interrupted and lost its choo-choo train of thought. Thinky Brain has to figure out all of the compatibility issues, current readiness for a relationship, whether upping the hygiene routine and wardrobe is warranted. Winner:  No winners yet, but I'm hopeful a peace can be negotiated and that the sanctions will be lifted.

God isn't so much fought over as much as religion. Thinky Brain can dig God, even if that's more Feely Heart's territory.  It figures that if there's a being that did all this universe building, well, they've got its vote.  Plus, it has decided that against the odds, believing in God provides a bit of afterlife insurance.  Where we get into trouble is when religion gets thrown into the mix.  This is where Feely Heart and Thinky Brain start pulling the off the gloves and fighting dirty.  Feely Heart feels so loyal and obligated to notions that comfort it and provide a sense of being one of the "chosen" or part of God's only true path.

Feely Heart relies purely on emotional validation as it's standard of proof.  Feely Heart calls this The Holy Ghost. In fact, Feely Heart was at one time convinced by a slight peaceful ease, which lasted a couple of minutes tops, that American Indians were really Jews who came over to the Americas to escape religious persecution and evil in general. Once in the new land, some of these Jews were disobedient and caused God to become furious, resorting to his big hammer of retribution: the curse of dark skin (And it came to pass that a great and thunderous voice came from the heavens and said, "ooogah-boogah" and the wicked suddenly got darker and better at music and of sports).  Thinky Brain eventually caught wind of this (it took quite some time and about two semesters at university) and was all "the fuuuuuuuuuuck?"  Thinky Brain soon found out all this other crazy shit that Feely Heart was getting me involved in with this religion stuff, too much to list here.  Thinky Brain has wanted to put a stop to all of this, but the real chance of being cut off from family and friends, plus being the village pariah, have caused Thinky Brain to hold back and plot its next move, biding its time.  The winner: Feely Heart, but it sure is fucking with me hard at the moment.  God help me.

Even though Thinky Brain and Feely Heart don't get along, I truly believe that for all of their arguing the two will steer me where I need to go, eventually.  Feely Heart's desires make me human and are responsible for the joy I have in life.  Thinky Brain is doing its best to keep me out of trouble and cleaning up the resulting messes made from trying and failing.  Thinky Brain's job is to tell Feely Heart that everything is going to be okay and that things are not as bad as they seem.  Feely Heart, in turn, celebrates when Thinky Brain figures out important shit and gives Thinky Brain credit, where credit is due.  Feely Heart also is Thinky Brain's editor, quite often.  It tries to keep Thinky Brain's editorials from reaching the printing press without a thorough examination first, and then offers its suggestions.  Sometimes, Thinky Brain sneaks these things past Feely Heart and later has to deal with the blow back from the readership.

Thinky Brain and Feely Heart aren't perfect but they are trying.  It's just that I get a bit tired of them fighting and wish I could go on a long vacation somewhere nice. That's all I'm asking.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Smug Electronic Game

I was feeling rather optimistic at a certain point today.  I felt like I might be coming out of a depression.  It's been more than that: a dark pit of fear and anxiety, mixed with depression.  There were attempts at displays of humor, musing, and sharing music on social media.  Trying to play through the pain seemed to be speeding my recovery.  Unfortunately, I had over estimated my recovery and tried contacting a friend before I could really deal with it.  Before we go any further, let me just say, I am the one at fault.  I know you are all gasping because you thought I was perfect.  Well, I'm pretty freaking far from perfect. Okay, now that we got that straightened out, I will continue.

What I was trying to get at was that I fell back into that pit of depression/fear/anxiety.  I concluded that I needed to stop making an ass of myself and go do nothing in a place where nobody, including me, would be affected or hurt.  That's where I found it: an electronic handheld game called "20 Questions".  This game asks you a series of questions about a thing that you are thinking and within 20 questions, it tries to figure out what that thing is.  Well, I felt pretty awful tonight, so I chose "depression" as my thing that the game would have to find out from my answers to it's questions.

I didn't think it was going to get it, but right after the 20th question, the game got it.  The way it celebrated after was a bit dickish, though.  It basically said, "I know what you're thinking! I got you beat! It's depression, isn't it?"  I answered "yes" and then it did this whole end zone dance, "I AM THE WINNER!!! You thought you could beat me, but I am too smart! Do you want to play again?"  No, 20 Questions, I do not want to play again.

If I had a robot, It'd probably sneak into my room later tonight and whisper "loser" into my ear, and then pat me on the head.