Saturday, December 03, 2016

Ouija Hat

I've lost two hats in the past three months.  That's almost one hat per month.  Who takes care of those lost hats? When the hat catcher finds them, the hat catcher takes them to the hat pound. What happens to those hats at the hat pound if nobody adopts them? That hat, my friends, gets put to sleep and nobody wins then.

I know what you're saying, "Grunt, you are a bad hat owner, so irresponsible...uuuuugely irresponsible."  You know what? You'd be right.  The first of these two hats got lost because I wanted to take it for a motorcycle ride.  Because of my recklessness, this hat got real scared and jumped from the crevice between the seat and backrest that I stuffed it into. If you live in the Mt. Olympus area, please keep an eye out for a dark blue hat with some faded patches and has an eagle on the front.  It responds to "Hattie".

The second hat that I lost was when I was hiking up a popular canyon in Sandy that has some beautiful waterfalls, where people like to slip and fall to their deaths on a fairly regular basis. I guess when you are looking at a beautiful waterfall it's easy to come to the conclusion that life isn't worth living.  I mean, what is your life, really, in comparison to such beauty? It's nothing, I say.  Get closer to the edge.  But I digest. I'd digress, but there's still some of that Little Caesar's Pizza taking up residence inside of me, doggedly so. Turn to poo already!  

So, I put on my Napa Auto Parts hat.  It's my pride and joy because I like cars and working on them.  I like Napa because their staff actually knows what they are doing. All the other auto parts places employ individuals who seem to know what a car is and what oil is; therefore, they are your new god. 

I went into an Autozone wearing my Napa hat and the manager told me to get a new hat.  I told him that I would, if he would stop being gay.  It isn't a choice, is what I was trying to say.  Only my dad gets to call me homophobic. Oh, and if you were wondering if I made that last part up, well, I didn't. My 86-year-old Mormon dad totally called me homophobic.  I asked him if he knew what homophobic meant. He said, "Uh, maybe I don', I forgot." I explained to him that it meant a fear of gay people.  He then goes, "OH, not that one.  You're a Sociopath!"  Thanks dad, that made me feel so much better.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so I'm going up the Bell Canyon Trail wearing my Napa hat.  The first part of the trail goes around a hoity-toity gated community, with all these uuuuuuugely tremendous homes.  It was rather windy that day.  As I was hiking up the hill I remember thinking that I'd better take my hat off.  It was just as I was completing that thought that a gust of wind came and whisked my Napa hat off of my head.  I watched it sail through the air and into the backyard of some dickhead's mansion.  It hurt my feelings because I've started to wonder if my Napa hat wanted a better life and decided to use the wind as an excuse for leaving me. Rather convenient, I say.  

So, what does this all have to do with the title? Well, I had an idea.  You have heard, I hope, of urban legends where people get in too deep playing with Ouija boards.  They get all freaked out and throw it away, run it over with their car, burn it, or send it to Grandma.  Inevitably, the Ouija board returns the following day, unharmed, ready for the next round of satanic Chutes and Ladders.  I thought that this kind of supernatural technology would actually be welcome if it were employed in objects that tend to get lost.  If you lose or accidentally burn your remote, wouldn't you want it waiting on your coffee table for you the next day?  I sure would.  So I thought that having an Ouija Hat would be pretty rad. If both those hats were Ouija Hats, then I would still be wearing them today.  I would be haunted by demons, but I'd still have protection from the sun.  I'm just bummed that I wasn't the first one to think of and create the Ouija Hat.  I really thought I had an original idea.  Oh well, at least I still can lay claim to being the inventor of the Breakfast Thong.