Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Voices In My Head

I know that some of you here are going, "I knew it. There just seemed to be something wrong with the guy, after all." Well, I think that you are legally allowed to have up to three voices in your head before you're considered certifiable. For the record, I have two. One sounds like Captain Caveman and the other is Momma, from the movie, not the book, "Carrie". My intermediate voice in my head doesn't count as a third voice, because this is my direct representitive of my head. This voice sounds like Matthew McConaughey's "Wooderson" from the movie "Dazed and Confused". Example: "Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, alright. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some f-ckin' muscle."

Momma's voice is marked in Italics--Wooderson, in purple quotes--Captain Caveman is in red bold.

Okay, Momma is not only the voice of my conscience, but also my "killjoy". Her shrill voice permeates my brain whenever I attempt something stupid, vulgar, and or dangerous. Just think of the part in Carrie that Momma shrieks, "They're all gonna laugh at you!" That's what I'm talking about.


Captain Caveman is my inner primate.

Wooderson, well, he's all-right!

Case in point: I had a moment today where I dumped my clutch real hard at an intersection, Uhnga Bunga!, and my truck left a nice patch of rubber...No! "What?" You shouldn't have done that, mister! "But it was kewl, man" Uhnga bunga, must pick nose waiting at next light. No! No! They're all gonna laugh at you! "Chill, Sister Bringdown. It's all good. I just gotsta scratch it a bit." Oh, ho, ho, hoooo! Nose need more finger. Deeper! Deeper! No! You'll hurt your brain and then they're all gonna laugh at you! "Yeah, man. That's a little gross. I'm with the chick on this one." Uh-oh, finger slip and find caverock. Must wipe under seat. No! That's disgusting! Use a napkin! "Fling it out the window, man." This time Momma prevailed.

Stay tuned for more...

9 comments:

Scott said...

Grunt,

I am honestly laughing at my desk at the moment. That was just way too funny. My god...

Scott

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Being skitzo when I'm the other guy I never remember me!

Crystal said...

wow grunt. how do you keep up with yourself?

The Grunt said...

Glad I could provide laughs for you Scott and some common ground for a certain jack russle terrier.

Crystal~There's a lot going on upstairs in The Grunt's attic. It's a good thing I don't do crack or coke.

For the record, how does anybody keep up with the dynamic and loverly Crystal Girl? Be nice to Thomas, too. I don't want to hear him getting mixed up in your crazy shenanigans. Such a pure boy, that Thomas.

Vera said...

both films mentioned... stellar!
and uhmmm are you sure its THREE voices??? i think the laws in canada are different. more lenient. we have less people per square kilometre. less damage to be done...
V

Güggs said...

LOL! The voices in your head are more interesting than any panel of reality show judges. It's like a collection of the most influential forces in your life. I have yet to label all of mine. Though I am certain that one of them is Rose Nylund (Thanks V.)

Egan said...

Grunt, you are a superb caveman wannabe. I'm in awe of your writing talent and I mean that. I would like to give you an oversized baseball bat so you can play the Captain Caveman bit to its fullest. Be good and be strong!

logo™ said...

I have two internal voice I dialogue with too!
I call them The Imp of Perversity and The Inner Editor. When the Imp the Editor and I talk it never about nose picking, but still, I could identify with the basic dynamic.
So glad you listened to mama on that one.

You are too funny.

The Grunt said...

Welcome to Grunt Ahoy, Egan. I must say that you do the stroke quite well. Now, people have no idea what I'm talking about there. Anyway, I'll be visiting your blog soon. It's about time, eh?

Vera/Guggs/Logo~Ra! Ra! Ra! Sis! Boom! Ba! Thanks for the cheers.