Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Crazy People Like Me: That's Fine. Scary People: Please Leave Me Alone.

I've mentioned before that when it comes to crazy people, I'm gravity. A girl I was seeing in college, which wasn't that long ago for an academic late bloomer like myself, she would always ask me, a psych major, if she had schizophrenia. She was serious and I was scared. One thing that I noticed about her was she was easily distracted (oh, wow, a plane!) and liked to talk out loud to herself...in the f#cking G-D library!!! I'm fairly accepting of a person's natural, God-given, defects of body and person. That also goes for scars--emotional and physical. But, the minute somebody starts to stalk me, it gets a bit hard to feel any empathy for another's problems. I don't mind people obsessing over me, just don't show up conveniently in an elevator with a psycho, thousand-tooth grin on your face where I can't get away from you.

I could talk about the crazy people in my life throughout the years, such as an old man named Leo, who wrote me the most psychotic poems and showed me his collection of urine samples (yes, this is true folks), but I won't. I will tell you, however, of the guy I met yesterday.

I was at work and out in the parking lot was a guy, late forties, in this wicked, vintage Triumph sports car. One thing you need to know about me is that I am drawn to fine autos and have a respectable working knowledge of auto mechanics. Let me look under your hood sometime and I'll put a smile on your face (*cough* Mustang *cough*). Back to the story, so I go up to this guy and start asking him about his car. The minute I take interest in this guy's car his eyes light up, and he then goes into show 'n' tell super-overdrive.

The first show 'n' tell item he pulled out was this 50 caliber bullet, that turned out to be a cleverly disguised crack lighter, you know the type. But, it was cool, and I made the mistake of telling him so. He then said, "I've got pictures of my other cars, do you want to see them?" I'm like, "Hell yeah, man!" Big mistake. So, he pulls out a whole damn photo album from a duffel bag that is full of hand guns and my heart just sinks right into my belly. So, while this guy keeps going on about his cars, I can't concentrate because of all these guns. I made another mistake by trying to "not look" but look at the cash of weapons that this dude had in his bag. He picked up on this right away.

"Hey," he said to me, "I see you like what's in the bag there." I didn't respond, even though I know enough about guns to talk shop with him. He then says, "Well, then, you're really gonna like this," and pulls out a tazer and zaps the f'ing thing right in front of my face. I took a few steps back from the guy and he just says, "Zap...this guy puts out (X) amount of volts and will kill you if it is used incorrectly. It's come in handy for me, yep!"

I'm a pretty solidly built guy, albeit nice and baby-faced, so don't tangle with me. However, this guy just had me freaked. I've never felt so intimidated and creeped out in my life. What came next was the cherry on the top: He asks me, with his eyelids fluttering slightly, to come with him to see his collection of seventy guns, and a 50 caliber handgun with explosive rounds (I didn't even know they made one of those). I just said that I didn't have time for that sort of thing and walked away, fast! One thing, I'm getting a big sign made that has a giant arrow pointing down at me, saying, "I am not into dudes. Please leave me alone, creep." Why dudes and not the womens? Uggggh!

I know that this was the "man predator" equivalent of the strangers with candy routine. Good thing I'm not stupid or attracted sexually to men. I know that if I was, I'd be tied up, tazed, and jack-hammered up the anus, waiting to be disposed of in an onion patch. This just proves that I would not last ten seconds in prison. Damn my boyish good looks! You know, this experience has helped me know what some of you girls go through being harassed by creeps. I'm going to wear a man burka for the next couple of weeks. I don't want this guy to see me again.


Scott said...

Okay, dude, that would freak me right out too. Tazer's, hand guns? Got to love the good old U S of A.


Anonymous said...

This is frightening. At what point during this convo, did you say, "Abort, abort!"?

emma said...

Oh my God, you poor guy. It just goes to show, it doesn't do to be too friendly.

vera said...


Crystal said...

1. He probably has a fiance too and was hitting on you in hopes of getting a little action on the side.

2. Doesn't it make you feel weird to know that guy thought that you looked like a guy who might be into crack lighters and guns and tazers?

3. Remember that poem from What About Bob?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I am schizophrenic,
And so am I

4. You can look under my hood anytime. :)

Queue_t said...


I see that you can know what we ladies have to face sometimes, it is too freaky for words, I have a couple of creeps- who love my phone voice. In my office job I must answer calls everyday. One always askes me if I am the lovely Tamara .... I have never met him in person. Most of my costomers are men, and the women are mostly gay if they are working in the shops- or have been to prison! lovley huh???

Hang in there Grunt, I am sure with boyish good looks women will be interested too.

my word verification is saurguk- sounds like a new form of condiment you use on a hot dog!

mona said...

oh gosh, I honestly hate that about being a girl, but now that I know it happens to well built guys too, I feel some comfort!

Logo™ said...

Hey (eyelash flutter eyelash flutter) wanna see MY gun collection?
Just seeing if it works on ya better coming from a chick.

The Grunt said...

Scott~Yeah, where I live guns are pretty common, but duffel bags of them are not so much.

Guggs~It was weird in that I froze somewhat, like, don't make any sudden movements or you'll make it angry.

Emma~Yeah, I sometimes walk into these situations because of that. The guy looked real normal and was in respectable business attire, not Unibomber style at all.

Vera~Go sit in the corner. Nah, that pretty much sums it up.

Crystal~(1)Probably right (2)I have my unkempt moments that leave some people scratching their heads and others thinking I'm the next messiah--I did have a big black lady think I was an angel once. (3)That is an awesomely funny movie. (4) Really? You know I'm talking about Mustang and not tang, right? (Ha-har) But, seriously, I can accomodate for whatevers, chica.

Queue_T~You give me hope that I will not always be the target for man fun.

Mona~I do feel different now, and not different good. More like, "don't go outside and talk to strangers" different. I'm sorry you girls have to go through this stuff.

Logo~It does a little. I'm such easy prey.