Sunday, April 09, 2006

Ramblings about Food and Kate Bush

My appetite has slowly shriveled down. I couldn't finish a burger and fries the other day. Tonight, I couldn't finish a measly two-entree dinner at Panda Express. When I was younger, I once ate 1/3 of a turkey, three kinds of potatoes, trimmings, and a half of a pie. It's like a scene right out of the Simpsons, where Homer is distressed that he can't eat anymore and says something to the effect of, "I see food, but I'm not hungry. What's wrong with me, Marge?" It's probably all for the best, though. My Lucky Charms ass aint getting anymore charming, so it's only right that I don't eat like a pig.

The thing is, I should eat better food, home cooked food, but I hate cooking. After so many years of my youth were spent in front of a grill and fryer, I despise food preparation. The thing is, I'm a master at cooking short-order style breakfast and lunch. Beans on toast: check. Vindaloo was something of a specialty of mine, as well. Now, every time I cook it's pure drudgery.

I need some of that magic Wonka gum. I don't even mind turning into a giant blueberry. At least, then, I wouldn't have to cook.

This brings me to older women, I mean elderly, they are the ticket. Damn, they can cook, but I don't know if I can keep up with them, now that I've become a little bird now (thanks, Antony and the Johnsons). What I mean is, they demand that you eat it all, and these women don't know how to cook for anyone other than the seven kids and that fat-assed husband they had, or just themselves. Case in point: Joyce, the one responsible for the turkey dinner mentioned earlier. She had seven kids and liked to cook. I helped Joyce out with a few things and she'd always want to cook me dinner in return. The thing is, she would cook this massive dinner for seven people who weren't there. I'd feel bad, real bad, if I couldn't eat till I passed the appetizer. Think about that one for a bit.

(The lady who tried to kill me, with food: Joyce and I after the infamous turkey dinner. My colon couldn't take anymore)

Then, there's that old Mexican lady I visit from time to time. Well, at least at her restaurant (actually her sister's) I pay her for the food, but she gets so upset if I don't eat there all the time. I think I've settled my women troubles: date women 20 or more years older than myself. Hey, Sophia Loren is in that group. However, I think I would rather go for the artsy domestic goddess, a little younger, though: Kate Bush. Hell, she's written a song about her flippin' washing machine, why not one about me eating her scrummy Yorkshire pudds The Boy With the Bush in His Eyes. Oh, I know what you guys were thinking. Get your minds out of the gutter...so mine can float on by. But, beyond the fact that she's married already, I figure that in time she'll come to her senses and, well...maybe not. Anyways, she is an older hottie in my book, though, and her wack song "Wuthering Heights" can make me weep like a sissy girl. Is that so wrong?

Where was I? Yes, I can't eat much anymore, but I'll level out, I'm sure. I'm slowly but surely getting svelter. I don't like to cook. Most of all, I want these things to come into my life: Kate, Bush, bangers and mash. I don't think this too much to ask for.

9 comments:

EmmaK said...

How interesting other people's fantasies are. I would never have envisioned Kate Bush in an apron cooking bangers, but it's a sweet fantasy. Hope you meet a Kate Bush lookalike with a penchant for pudding.

Vera said...

Her new album "Ariel" is amazing and I understand what you mean about "Wuthering Heights".
Now I have to play "Rubberband Girl"!!
That song makes me want to dance in very odd ways. :\

Güggs said...

Martha Stewart cooking for me. That's my fantasy. No talk. Just cook.

The Grunt said...

Welcome, welcome, Emma. I'll check out your blog soon.

Vera~I still need to buy Ariel. Some kind of Kate Bush fan I am. You know, for a manly man, such as myself, that's quite difficult to admit;)

Guggs~That is a good one, there. Just think of all the things she picked up in prison, too.

Vera said...

manly men are the only men that can listen to kate bush... afaic...

verification word: fyazmo

Vera said...

ok... so maybe even questionable men...
erm...
*shoves foot further into mouth*

oh cool!
verification word: crysevya

Logophile said...

Mr. Logo does the cooking around here, and he is awesome. He made eggplant parmesan today, and oh my stars, so good.
Maybe you just need an appreciative audience for your own cooking?

Holy mother of a hindu cow..
word veri
kbymxmdc

They are trying to kill me

Crystal said...

the kitty has no head. the kitty has no head.

The Grunt said...

Sorry, Grunt hungry.