Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Adventures in Public Restroom Patronage #712

Have you ever entered a public restroom and wondered to yourself if this is what gorilla sex smells like?

I asked myself that question today. Only, I also wondered if this smell that I experienced was gorilla sex mixed with the aftermath of taco Tuesday at some hole-in-the-wall joint in the "ethnic" part of town. Whatever it was it was bad. The type of bad smell that curls up in-between your teeth and gums and takes a nap. Man, it was B.O. and human waste. Not only that but I think the person responsible made the room hotter and more humid somehow. I think scientists should follow this person around and collect samples of their droppings and other various products. There might be some value towards discovering an alternate fuel or energy source there.

I need to go brush my teeth now.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Barely Barly

Therapist~The rapist.

Justice was served~Just ice was served.

And now...

Long John Silver stuck a coin up his ass and sang a song--a sea shanty--with a spider in his ear and a girl on his knee.

I don't have anymore. Lame.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

God's own pratt

Have you ever met somebody and decided that you were put on this earth to mess with them? I have. This guy thinks it is his purpose in life to be exacting in everything that he does and then proceeds to enforce this upon everyone that he comes across. I, having a deeply buried malevolence towards this type of individual, decided that this was just great. Why? Because I need a break from being benevolent every once in awhile.

The best way to mess with someone like this is to approximate things all of the time. Never get anything right on the money. However, bust them hard and remind them constantly of their failures to be thorough and precise. Also, with philosophical matters, strictly adhere to a loose "spirit" of the law and not blind observance. Plus, if they are religious zealots, like this guy, plan on coming out as a witch during one of their visits. The look on his face is going to be priceless.

I have also thought of telling this man that I believe him to be a prophet, or even one step further, one of the Three Nephites. Better yet, I think I should convince this man to write that religious book that he has always been meaning to write and to finally make his move to the Holy Land. There are many ways that one could play this. What things would you do?

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I don't feel like I used to feel.

I used to write songs all the time and now I don't.

I am not sad.

I am not full of glee.

I haven't played my guitar in months for any decent length of time.

I don't spend much time thinking about people anymore, just a select few.

I don't feel like there is anything wrong with this.

I know that this isn't permanent, so I am just gonna go with it and see what happens.

Monday, August 10, 2009


I think I may have brought this subject up before but I wanted to do it again.

The scenario:

Imagine that you are sweeping a floor with a typical broom. Just for kicks, you stick the broom between your legs like a witch would. To your amazement you begin to fly.

The questions:

  1. Where would you fly to first? (Ideally)
  2. Where do you think you'd really fly to, considering that this might all be a fleeting phenomenon?
  3. If you found out that this was not a fleeting power, what would you do with this power besides flying around like a dipwad?
  4. Would you dress any differently as a result of your new found power and if so what kind of attire would it consist of?
  5. Would you use your powers for good, evil, or indifference? Explain.
  6. Would you take the opportunity to crap on newly washed vehicles?
  7. Would you just waste this power trying to see how it could get you laid?

Monday, August 03, 2009

Meesa Jus Wanna Sing!

Jar Jar Binks is teaming up with Randy Jackson and Danger Mouse to lay down an album's worth of slow jams and Calypso tunes. It's totally true because an angel of God visited me in my room three times in a row and told me to stop abusing my brain with drain cleaner, that the Celts are the primary ancestors of the indigenous peoples of New Guinea --and btw, Jar Jar Binks is making a comeback!

Some of the leaked song titles include:
  • "Oh, Annie Man Will Do! (Show Me Your Darkside)"
  • " It's Da BBI (Binks Bitches Inc.)"
  • "Say Da Mana Cuz I Don Have Time, Walter (WTF???)"
  • "Tally My Banana, Oh!"
  • "The Ballad of Qui-Gon Jinn (with Gordon Lightfoot)"
  • "My Sith in a Box"
  • "Yousa Mine. Meesa Yous"
  • "Obi, Don Cry"
  • "Meesa Jus' Wanna Sing!"