Saturday, August 05, 2006

Some of my mornings have been all out warfare on myself: What am I doing about it?

I woke up today with that feeling. It just sucked hard. It is happening on the weekends for some reason. You get all those things flashing in your head, like, "I don't want to be/die alone", "I'm that old?", "It seems like forever since I last talked to so and so. Have they forgotten me?"

So, I have been combating these negative feelings with acts of kindness. I just got back from helping a 46-year-old woman move into her home--she had a real cute wiener dog, btw. I hadn't met her before this, but knew that she would be moving in and needed help. I had all this morning doom heaped on my shoulders. It was so real. I felt like running away. To where, I have no freakin' clue. But, I took a little time out from myself and helped another person. It was the best thing I could do, not only for her, but for me.

There are certain vital people in my life that I am dedicated to lifting up as high as I can, further than that of this lady. The return from helping them is greater, but the toll on me when I am away from them, or they are in any kind of hurt, is felt a hundred fold--but then again, so is their love. I don't know why, but it is true.

God help me, there have been more things thrown on my table, and my state of being is already in the balance. I am not going to give up, but when will it end? I didn't know that life would be so hard. I have no wife, kids, or career (just a grunt job) and it is the thing that I've desired more than anything. But, I've put my life on hold to care for the infirm and it just never ends until it does.

God, I never knew that you cared so much to give me such blessings. That's how I have to look at it, or else I'll kill myself with a heavy heart.

The worst of it all is when those who are vital to me do not share. An unknown burden is hard to judge, therefore I prepare for the worst case scenario, something my military infused pops is good at. I am feeling heavy again. I need to get out and do some good. My life is my own worst case scenario already, so what have I got to lose?

I love my vital people. You make me live--alive--good. If I could surround myself with you all 24/7 would you get sick of silly old me? I know of no other way than to care.

All of the many great things that I have accomplished in life I cannot put on a resume. Sometimes, I wonder why. I wonder if I'm just out of place or out of time, exiled from my home planet.

There is this: "Who the hell cares?" It can mean many things.

My answer: I do.

Maybe it is for purely selfish reasons that I do, because it lifts me when I help. It's just hard to help and see it only be swallowed up whole by life. When I see that I make a significant difference, my heart leaps. Sometimes I get more out of it than that, but I am always dogged by that cold morning feeling. I have to start all over again. It's better than total darkness.

Now more than ever, I hate the darkness. My fascination with it in the previous years was only trying to evaluate it's existence or purpose in life. But with the help of a truly vital friend, I have tasted a light that has made me vomit out my darkness, cast it aside. That morning feeling is now so unwelcome. I am compelled to do good now. I'm just looking forward to the day when that morning feeling is met with light. That day shall come. I may not know how, when, or with who, but it will happen. I won't quit.

Today is the first day in a long time that I've actually cried tears. I usually just sweat them. This is strange but good. I think I can allow this.


Gentleman-hobbs said...

It appears we are all looking in on ourselves. Fortunately I am a shallow bastard so normal service is resumed if you need chearing up.

Mayden's Voyage said...

I've been a caregiver...I know what it is to have almost all of your life be consumed by another persons needs- for years. It's tough, and it really sounds as if you are waging a war on depression-which a lot of caregivers experience.

I'm thinking of you today...things will be better- burdens will be lifted. It doesn't help much right now- but there is hope. is a noun and a verb~

vera said...

it's an honour to know someone like you... you *are* a light... much brighter than you probably think...

Photogirl said...

Aww Grunt. Thanks for sharing. We all go through it every now and again. Nice to hear that men worry about life as well!! ;)

West of the Sun said...

Ah, Grunt.

I wish I could give you a hug. =)

Chris said...

There is nothing like giving to make you feel like the blessings of the Almighty have been given to you in abundance. Pay it forward and keep paying it forward. God loves a cheerful giver.

goldennib said...

What a powerful post. You make a big differnce in peoples' lives. Giving of yourself is a great gift.

Karyn said...

Who could get sick of you???

Your light shines on, Grunt-Man, all the way to the seashore.

Do your thing. Trust the plan. Carry on.

The Grunt said...

Thanks all. I really might need to start keeping track of the frequency and duration of these moods. I do have a B.S. in psychology, so I'm not oblivious to the implications of these episodes. I have normaly had either the ability to deal with it or to bounce back. I am used to being a pillar and a rock. When the tables are turned I get defensive and angry, withdrawn.

The truth is that I need all the help I can get. It's a mess, people. A damn mess. Makes for great writing spurts, though. If that's how it works, then I'd rather be a lucky schmoe than a tortured artist anyday. Ha, I just did not refer to myself as a tortured artist, did I? I'm going to have to give myself an Indian burn now. Is that even possible?

Crystal said...

do you have any clue of what kind of impact you have on people's lives that have never even met you? any clue as to how sane and good you make us?

i will sure be here to catch your tears, Space Cowboy. anytime you want.