I woke up today with that feeling. It just sucked hard. It is happening on the weekends for some reason. You get all those things flashing in your head, like, "I don't want to be/die alone", "I'm that old?", "It seems like forever since I last talked to so and so. Have they forgotten me?"
So, I have been combating these negative feelings with acts of kindness. I just got back from helping a 46-year-old woman move into her home--she had a real cute wiener dog, btw. I hadn't met her before this, but knew that she would be moving in and needed help. I had all this morning doom heaped on my shoulders. It was so real. I felt like running away. To where, I have no freakin' clue. But, I took a little time out from myself and helped another person. It was the best thing I could do, not only for her, but for me.
There are certain vital people in my life that I am dedicated to lifting up as high as I can, further than that of this lady. The return from helping them is greater, but the toll on me when I am away from them, or they are in any kind of hurt, is felt a hundred fold--but then again, so is their love. I don't know why, but it is true.
God help me, there have been more things thrown on my table, and my state of being is already in the balance. I am not going to give up, but when will it end? I didn't know that life would be so hard. I have no wife, kids, or career (just a grunt job) and it is the thing that I've desired more than anything. But, I've put my life on hold to care for the infirm and it just never ends until it does.
God, I never knew that you cared so much to give me such blessings. That's how I have to look at it, or else I'll kill myself with a heavy heart.
The worst of it all is when those who are vital to me do not share. An unknown burden is hard to judge, therefore I prepare for the worst case scenario, something my military infused pops is good at. I am feeling heavy again. I need to get out and do some good. My life is my own worst case scenario already, so what have I got to lose?
I love my vital people. You make me live--alive--good. If I could surround myself with you all 24/7 would you get sick of silly old me? I know of no other way than to care.
All of the many great things that I have accomplished in life I cannot put on a resume. Sometimes, I wonder why. I wonder if I'm just out of place or out of time, exiled from my home planet.
There is this: "Who the hell cares?" It can mean many things.
My answer: I do.
Maybe it is for purely selfish reasons that I do, because it lifts me when I help. It's just hard to help and see it only be swallowed up whole by life. When I see that I make a significant difference, my heart leaps. Sometimes I get more out of it than that, but I am always dogged by that cold morning feeling. I have to start all over again. It's better than total darkness.
Now more than ever, I hate the darkness. My fascination with it in the previous years was only trying to evaluate it's existence or purpose in life. But with the help of a truly vital friend, I have tasted a light that has made me vomit out my darkness, cast it aside. That morning feeling is now so unwelcome. I am compelled to do good now. I'm just looking forward to the day when that morning feeling is met with light. That day shall come. I may not know how, when, or with who, but it will happen. I won't quit.
Today is the first day in a long time that I've actually cried tears. I usually just sweat them. This is strange but good. I think I can allow this.
4 years ago