TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Bidets.

Those darn French think they know better than us. The Bidet, and those damn tasty fried potatoes, might be evidence that there might be some truth to the matter. Wait, they all smell of ass; we're safe.

Wait, wait, wait! How is that possible? How can you be the country that invented the ass washing machine and yet still smell like ass? Is it just inherent in the French to smell of ass? There aren't any French people that read my blog, right? Heh-heh.

In all seriousness, I will tolerate the country of its smell of ass and sing its praises for the bidet and crunch sticks of starchy death. On with the total gayness of the bidet.

First off, using the bidet is like participating in something very sexual. Dare I say, enjoying a bit of water sport? Nothing gives you a more gentle rimming than a warm jet of carefully aimed water. If you happen to get off on getting clean this way, more power to you.

Second, the bidet also confuses rednecks and other unsophisticated or uncouth persons. How does the bidet do this, you say? In tricking these diminished folk into thinking that they are drinking from a very special water fountain/face washer, that it is a neat place for the pee-pee, or that they have their own mini "Caesar's Palace" fountain in their fancy-shmancy hotel room.

Trust me, my Evel Knievel action set was quite a hit at the "Hickville Destination" Marriott. Sadly, each time Evel cleared the bidet only to have shorted the landing and broke every damn bone in his plastic action doll body. What is really sad is that my Evel Knievel doll is now addicted to pain killers and an alcoholic. What is worse is how he treats Malibu Barbie. What a freaking Neanderthal! Honestly, when action figure husbands start beating their wifes it is a sad day for all. Needles to say, I have had to send my Evel Knievel action doll to rehab. He hooked up with Lindsay "Fyrebush" Lohand recently and they are beating each other up quite often. Good to see things evenly matched.

The third, and most important thing, about the bidet is that it makes you fresh as a Summer's breeze down below after taking a hefty dump. With all the splishy-splashy of loose stools that are so prevalent in our fast-food society, it is imperative that we adopt the bidet as our own. Toilet paper can only do so much and crap pretty much goes all over any part that is exposed from the toilet seat hole. Ever wonder why your balls stink or why your underwear has more skid marks than the Talladega Superspeedway? Look, either you get the bidet or learn to use generous amounts of wet wipes, like I do, to get clean down there.

No more smelling of ass. The only place that should smell like ass is your intestines. Okay? Smelling of ass is only TIGF in a super bad way, and not in the "Superbad" ha-ha funny way.

Everyone, go get some anal action. Use a bidet today!