Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How to survive inbetween pets (a post from a defunct blog of mine, plus health update)

Get a slinky. There. Done. Simple!

Okay, I know you already think I've got taffy for brains, but hang with me a sec, alright? I gave my slinky a name: Ralph. Why Ralph, you ask? Well, just look at him. Doesn't he look like a Ralph? He does to me and as long as I'm happy that is all that matters.

Ralph still doesn't obey commands. Um, that's not true; he can sit, stay, play dead, and roll over...with some help. Really, though, what Ralph needs is a pair of googly eyes and a felt tongue. You know, that really would help people warm up to him and it just might help me pick up women down at the park.

I might have to change which park I've been going to. The last lady that found Ralph and I a hot item turned out to be an undercover cop dressed as a gypsy hobo. Is there such a thing as a gypsy hobo? Well, that's what she looked like to me. Come to think of it, I don't think that was a cop at all. No wonder why that pat down was a bit peculiar. Why must I be so trusting?

Health Update:

So, I've got my second chemo done today and the first blood work and chemo done using my new porta-catheter. The needle, rather, hook that they put in me was a bit scary looking. The nurse was all, "They were supposed to get you a cream for that to numb it. Didn't they do that for you?"

I was all "No (shit on me)."

So, we had to do this "1-2-3, breathe in hard!" kind of mind over matter shit to get the thing in and out of me. It hurt but I dealt with it. The porta-catheter really made the chemo less of a pain in the ass.

My blood work showed a dangerously low white blood cell count and we almost had to stop my treatment because of it. My doctor decided to let the chemo go on. However, I know have to get a series of five shots starting Friday and ending on Wednesday in order to try and restore my white blood cells. If we don't go through this expensive procedure ($3,000) then any infection I may get could be deadly. This is serious stuff. Hell, the cancer won't kill me if I go through the treatment, but the treatment is doing its best to kill me. I guess the idea is that the cancer cells will be dead first and I will have a period of time after I'm done with treatment to recover from all the collateral damage done to my body.

So, while the treatment went smooth, the after effects today have been such that I have been incredibly weak and nauseous. This is like having mono at a toga party, but without all the other partiers or fun, for that matter. Hell, my brother even tried riding a motorcycle up my stairs and doing the "William Tell Overture", drumming his fingers on his throat bit from "Animal House", and that didn't even cheer me up.

I told my brother that since he resembles a Mexican version of Meat Loaf, circa 1978, that he should do a duet with the crazy lady down the road, or even a full theatrical version of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" for my amusement. Yes, dance fat monkey, dance!

"It never felt so good. It never felt so right."


Tys on Ice said...

Ralph is a great name for the slinky...its does look as if its got a pedigree...btw spring back to health...cheers

Keshi said...

hey u wut do I hv to do to get a CD?

TC n ur not dying....who said that!!


Clearlykels said...

Ha ha-- at this point a slinky probably is an awesome pet.

Rest up! Don't get sick. Definitely do the shots... white blood cells are our friend.

Logophile said...

It's great tht your brother can bring you some joy, even if it is at his expense :p
And now for your viewing pleasure:
The Very Tall Children...

Ive been snickering every time I think of that

moonchadz said...

chemo sucks ass...good to hear you got ralph , and taffy is delicious you know...

goldennib said...

Your sense of humor and good attitude are inspiring.

Praying for you as always.

The Grunt said...

Tys on Ice~ Ralph is AKC registered. Thanks for wishing me well. I'll have to go and check out your blog.

Keshi~ You need to email me to get a CD. My email link is on my profile page and it works. I'm not dying but I am vulnerable at this stage. I don't have hardly any immune system. So, I will just make sure not to touch my face, keep clean hands, and stay away from sick people.

Logo~ So have I. You seem to bring that stuff out of me. It's a good thing.

Beth?~ Is that you? It's been awhile. Good to see you again. I trust you've been busy finishing up your medical school duties and internships. BTW, my cancer is Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Nessa~ Thanks! I try. Yesterday was one of those days that I felt completely gone, zombified. Yet, I dug deep and found my funny bone.

Crystal said...

do they even make mexicans that are mormon?

i'm glad to see you doing well enough to blog!

The Grunt said...

Crystal~ There is a factory just across the border from Encinada that makes them cheaper than they do in Utah. That's where we got my brother.

I'm glad that I am somewhat well enough to blog too. This shit is easy compared to how I make my living, which is what I gotta get ready and do fairly soon.

vera said...

I couldn't take it any longer
LAWD I was crazed
And then the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god
And on my mother's grave
That I would love you 'til the end of time!
I would love you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Because if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I could really survive
I'll never break my promise
Or forget my vow
But god only knows what I will do right now...
I'm praying fot the end of time
So I can

i sang that song @ karaoke once with the dude that spins the cds... bwahahaha!
i'd sing it with your bro if it'll make you giggle like a girl...

*squishy white-blood-cell implanting hugs*


Christielli said...

Glad that you've got Ralph around. I totally think you should pimp him out with the googly eyes, etc.

Your brother sounds hilarious.

Hope that all is going as well is it can be. :)

"K" Fingerett said...

It’s funny that you posted about Ralph- for two reasons:

1) During my school orientation a days ago they were giving out a bunch of gifts and such and one of my gifts was a green slinky- I was so happy and taught this one girl how to do that thing- you know, palms up, slinky ends in each hand, then you move one and hand up and the other down??? (yeesh, they have got to have an easier way to explain that- or a name at least...) Well I taught her that and she was all happy ^_^

2) There was a boy back in high school I used to call Ralph. His real name was Stephen, but he reminded me or Ralph from the Simpson’s...

Anywho, I'm sorry you didn't get that numbing thing-- did you even get a glow-in-the-dark sticker and a lollypop after that?


Thanks for the update-- Get well soon!


EBEZP said...

Slinky's I'd love to be of an age that basically couldn't remember them they were such fun though!

Keep it up mate you're doing good!!

Jules said...

Grunty - always remember the phrase short term pain for long term gain. I know that's a cliche and you hate those, but really...

The doctors won't allow you to progress with the chemo if your white cells are dreadfully low. It's a bit of a pain in the ass because it prolongs treatment while you are waiting for them to replenish, but after all is said and done, it will all seem worthwhile the next time you take Clyde 4x4'n up through the mountains, breathe in the fresh air and hug the world.

I'm here, as always. Talk to you soon! Love you!

Scary Monster said...

Whenever me hears the name Ralph, Me be thinkin about Ralph the mouth from 'Happy Days' You might want to get yer slinky a varsity jacket. It might attract a better type of gypsy cop.

It's unfortunate that you have to deal with so many complications with yer treatment. Me be hoping that all will be well and that you regain your health.


The Grunt said...

Vera~ You know how to make a guy blush.

Christielli~ The way I look at it is that the good Lord has seen it fit that I should live another day, and for that I am grateful.

K~ I didn't get a hug, lolly, or a sticker. What's up with that?

Ebezp~ Thanks man. I'm trying to keep this train rollin'.

Jules~ Thanks. I'll start with the squirrels. They are quite cute and huggable.

Scary~ Meh, I just deal with it. Keep on trucking!

Keshi said...

k tnxx will do soon!


Corn Dog said...

Hey Grunt! I'm just wandering over I've forgotten from where. Hang in there. I did chemo and the port-a-cath too. Port-a-cath drove me nuts and the surgeon popped my lung putting it in. My insurance would never okay the numbing cream either, so I did the "hold my breath routine" every time. Sorry to hear your counts are dipping down a little too low. Also, sorry to hear about the nausea. Popsicles helped me, believe it or not but I had to fire one oncologist because his anti-nausea regime was lacking. Some of the older drugs like phenegrin worked better for me than the much touted Zofran. Ativan helped too. My heart goes out to you. I'll be thinking good thoughts and sending them all your way.

Corn Dog said...

There is a prescription mouthwash for the mess the chemo is making in your mouth. It is called Stanford Mouthwash. You oncologist can write a script for it. Hope that helps.

The Grunt said...

Keshi~ Alright, just send me the email and I can get in touch with you better on this.

Corn Dog~ Good to have a cancer veteran in my corner. I was able to get the cream, finally. I got a mouth rinse from my doc called "Triple Mix". I'm wondering if we might be talking about the same thing. Boy, I tell ya, this chemo stuff sure is a pain in the ass. I'm just glad that my chances of recovery are high.

Corn Dog said...

Must be the same mouthwash though "Triple Mix" sounds like some drink with whiskey, rum and tequila. Chemo is a giant pain in the ass and things honk up, like your white counts. Things happen to everyone taking the chemo cocktails. The onc nurse will tell you if she's chatty. The good news is that the chemo will chase down any errant cancer cells and kill them in their tracks. I'm glad you're chances of recovery are high. You're are going to fine. I'm sure. And afterward you get free shit, like I go to a free writing class for cancer survivors. Plus if there's ever anything you don't want to do in life, just look the person in the eye and say "No, I've had cancer." That's all the explanation you need. You have the card now. Use it. Play it.