Sunday, August 19, 2007

Shit like feeling

I've been hit pretty hard these past few days. My white blood cell count hit dangerously low levels and since Friday I have been getting Neupogen injections to help my bone marrow produce white blood cells. These injections are really expensive but my insurance is taking care of it, thank God. It seems as though this will be a regular thing. I will have to get one shot per day for five days after each chemo cycle. It's either that or die if I get an infection. Pretty easy choice, I think.

My mouth hurts like crazy. It's just like last time, so it seems like this is a regular thing to have to go through. If it's like last time it should get better by Monday night sometime. My undercarriage tends to feel a bit of this too. No, I'm not shoving it in my mouth, gosh! It's similar tissue but fortunately nowhere near the burning that my mouth is going through.

I really haven't slept much in the past three nights. This really messes with me. I am tired from laying down, so I don't want to lie down. Yet, I haven't slept very well, so I have no energy to do much else. This fucking anxiety that comes out of nowhere, it really rapes your mind.

My hair started coming out in clumps on Saturday. I've always had a full head of hair. This is sad for me. I still look normal but I think I'm going to get out the Wahls and do a #2 around my whole noggin--fucking slap head. It's cool. It's only hair for crying out loud.

Despite all of this I've managed to keep my spirits up and visit lots of friends. I also took my '98 Fender Deluxe Stratocaster that I had totally disassembled and modified it partly to '54 Strat specs with some parts that I've been collecting over the past year. The bridge pickup is a bit more focused now with a beefier bottom and the over all modifications have given a more bell-like tone to the guitar. This is one little victory that I will take.

I took a short hike yesterday up Albion Basin. That's in Little Cottonwood Canyon, home of Snowbird and Alta, my two favorite ski resorts. It's always really ball dropping to take a look at the chutes that I'd go down when I was on top of my ski game. High Rustler is one that I used to do all the time. I took a look at it and got that tingle in my loins; come March I'm gonna do that sonabitch again. Anyway, I like to hike around and try to figure out where I'd be exactly up in the air if I were skiing on the snow pack. It was a good day out.

I don't want you all getting worried about me. I'm just in the thick of the battle here and we all know that real battles are ugly. The worst thing about all of this, I'd have to say, is that I haven't felt sexy or sexual for a long time. Yeah, you start to notice once there is a vacuum of it going on. What it would be like to have a total hot gal just lust after me and for me to have enough energy and the frame of mind to notice it. It would have to be a stranger, of course. Strangers are unbiased and I wouldn't have to think that she was feeling sorry for me. I'm sure it happens, but like I said, it's feeling it that I'm not experiencing right now. I guess I took for granted how much I did get before.

Anyway, I'm thinking that I just might get some real sleep now. Please excuse me from visiting your blogs for a bit. This was hard enough just to pump this sucker out.


Tys on Ice said...

hang in there stud...u still got to be arnd to fulfill that lust wish of urs :)

trust me on this, u probably r more alive than most of the people.

hang in there and give the fucker a good fight..

goldennib said...

You save all of your energy for the battle. We'll be here.

Logophile said...

You get a free pass.
I'm still waiting for my phone, grrrrrrrr
The shots should really help and start eating more crab, that's suppose to help too.
More root beer floats?

Scott said...

Glad that you are still getting out and checking out the world my friend. Keep the spirits up.

blog Portland said...

I hope you considered that bald heads are majorly sexy. Just look at all the ass Telly Savalas used to get.

EBEZP said...

Grunt how dare you not visit blogs I think it's a bloody disgrace that you don't visit everybody, everyday!! I'm such a poor liar!!
Chin up mate - slapheads rule ok!!

Clearlykels said...

Feel better! You're a rock star.

Pokey said...

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Every time I hear about your burning mouth, I feel like I just ate a jalapeno and washed it down with some habanero juice.

You're super sexy. It won't be long until you feel it again.

Serena Joy said...

So sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it's got to be hell. Listen to the ladies, though -- bald is the new sexy. Feel better soon.:)

Scary Monster said...

Cap'n iffin the look can work fer the likes of Bruce Willis it can wory fer you.

Getting out in the fresh air and thinking about which ski slope yer gonna tackle be a great idea. See yourself chillin out with the ladies too.

Stay Stompy.

Corn Dog said...

"This fucking anxiety that comes out of nowhere, it really rapes your mind" This feeling is the worst. Fucking cancer. I hate it. The chemo destroys your libido for a while. It will come back along with your beautiful hair. I whacked my hair into a mohawk before the chemo took the rest of it fall.

The Grunt said...

Ty~ I am a fighter. Thanks for being in my corner.

Nessa~ You've always been there for me.

Logo~ I'll drink to that.

Scott~ You can't give up living. The minute you do you are, well, it's not good.

JJ~ So long as I keep my magnificent chest hair and eyebrows, I'm good.

Ebezp~ Slapheads forever!

Kels~ If I'm a rockstar then you are definitely getting a backstage pass.

Pokey~ Me too!

O-Girl~ What do you mean it won't be long? I always thought I was a bit above average.

Serena~ That is the best way to look at it for sure.

Scary~ Disk #1 is finished. I'm now compiling the second disk with the weird stuff on it.

Corn Dog~ I'm totally doing the mowhawk thing now. The whole chemo brain thing is a trip.

Jules said...

Sweetie - it makes me sad to hear what a rough time you're going through... but then it makes me happy to hear that you're not letting it get the best of you! A hike? Crazy bugger... but good for you!!

Don't worry about the effects of the drugs... all will return to normal after you've kicked this thing right straight up the asshole.

Never feel like you have to apologize for not being around here. It's 150% totally understandable.