Friday, August 24, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Bidets.

Those darn French think they know better than us. The Bidet, and those damn tasty fried potatoes, might be evidence that there might be some truth to the matter. Wait, they all smell of ass; we're safe.

Wait, wait, wait! How is that possible? How can you be the country that invented the ass washing machine and yet still smell like ass? Is it just inherent in the French to smell of ass? There aren't any French people that read my blog, right? Heh-heh.

In all seriousness, I will tolerate the country of its smell of ass and sing its praises for the bidet and crunch sticks of starchy death. On with the total gayness of the bidet.

First off, using the bidet is like participating in something very sexual. Dare I say, enjoying a bit of water sport? Nothing gives you a more gentle rimming than a warm jet of carefully aimed water. If you happen to get off on getting clean this way, more power to you.

Second, the bidet also confuses rednecks and other unsophisticated or uncouth persons. How does the bidet do this, you say? In tricking these diminished folk into thinking that they are drinking from a very special water fountain/face washer, that it is a neat place for the pee-pee, or that they have their own mini "Caesar's Palace" fountain in their fancy-shmancy hotel room.

Trust me, my Evel Knievel action set was quite a hit at the "Hickville Destination" Marriott. Sadly, each time Evel cleared the bidet only to have shorted the landing and broke every damn bone in his plastic action doll body. What is really sad is that my Evel Knievel doll is now addicted to pain killers and an alcoholic. What is worse is how he treats Malibu Barbie. What a freaking Neanderthal! Honestly, when action figure husbands start beating their wifes it is a sad day for all. Needles to say, I have had to send my Evel Knievel action doll to rehab. He hooked up with Lindsay "Fyrebush" Lohand recently and they are beating each other up quite often. Good to see things evenly matched.

The third, and most important thing, about the bidet is that it makes you fresh as a Summer's breeze down below after taking a hefty dump. With all the splishy-splashy of loose stools that are so prevalent in our fast-food society, it is imperative that we adopt the bidet as our own. Toilet paper can only do so much and crap pretty much goes all over any part that is exposed from the toilet seat hole. Ever wonder why your balls stink or why your underwear has more skid marks than the Talladega Superspeedway? Look, either you get the bidet or learn to use generous amounts of wet wipes, like I do, to get clean down there.

No more smelling of ass. The only place that should smell like ass is your intestines. Okay? Smelling of ass is only TIGF in a super bad way, and not in the "Superbad" ha-ha funny way.

Everyone, go get some anal action. Use a bidet today!


"K" Fingerett said...

Dear Mr. Grunt Man,

Every time I see one of those I have to laugh because of movies, stories and such where the "rednecks and other unsophisticated or uncouth persons" who use it the wrong way... Those are always funny ^_^

"Ever wonder why your balls stink or why your underwear has more skid marks than the Talladega Superspeedway?" Um... no. And I'll just stick to toilet paper.

I haven't used one- a bidet... I thought it would be weird- uncomfortable even. I don't do well with much more than my clothing touching me back there-- I doubt having water shot right in the bulls eye would be much fun for me...

But you are right, more power to those who like it- even if they do enjoy it a bit too much...

Loving the 'new you' btw ^_^



Sun Follower said...


Here in the Silver Lake area of LA, we have an annual street fair.

It's all about assless chaps... next year I think I'll open a bidet booth.

EBEZP said...

One year on holiday said implement was put to best use for washing socks after a day on the beach!

goldennib said...

I ran across a bidet when I was sixteen at my Godmother's house in Austria. A happy time was had by all.

goldennib said...

PS: tell Evil to straighten his ass out.

Logophile said...

We had a bidet in our house in Italy and I have to say, they definitely have their advantages.
I'm glad to hear Evil and Lindsay have found their soulmates in each other.
My husband found a new term,
ginger souffle.

Jules said...

This post, above all else, makes me glad I don't have balls.

Crystal said...

i don't understand the bidet. doesn't the water just spray the doodoofeces all over your tersticles? how is that clean?

Chandra said...

I used to think they were drinking fountains for short people... thank goodness I've always been tall. It was more awkward than the sex talk haha. Sorry for the lack of grunt points... I was on holidays for a week...

The Grunt said...

K~ I'm glad you like the new me.

Sun~ Can I help out with that booth?

Ebezp~ What are you, Macgyver?

Nessa~ Will this be featured in a tell all autobiography? Evel is as Evel does.

Logo~ Ginger souffle? It sounds either delicious, nasty, or both.

Jules~ Don't you ever tea bag your significant other? You just think it isn't your problem.

Crystal~ You need to expand your way of thinking, my precious flower. Think of other possibilities that a jet of warm water can do for you. You'd clean your balls after. It kind of follows a hierarchy of clean.

Chandra~ You are forgiven.

Photogirl said...

I'm with Jules on this one!

Scary Monster said...

Many modern toilets in Japan come with bidet action. Ya start pushing buttons and you get blasts of water and air. Me discovered this by accident one day and couldent figger out how to turn the darned thing off.
Me were stuck there pushing every damn button on the thing until it finally shut off.

Be warned. Never, ever touch any buttons on a japanese toilet.


cindra said...

Um, my comments aren't posting...dang it.

Glad to see your humor in tact! WHERE do you come up with this stuff...

Ass smell is really ick...

The Grunt said...

Celeste~ They aren't as bad as people make them out to be. Whenever I need a good laugh I just take a peak at them. They are hilarious to look at--all of them are.

Scary~ That sounds like the basis of a Stephen King novel.

Cindra~ Hooray! This comment of yours made it. I am doing a happy dance. Big sis in da house!

Claire said...

Bidets. Comedy gold!


ks said...

I enjoyed your comment of "gentle rimming" and will be using that phrase throughout the day.

Trundling Grunt said...

I thought people used them for washing their socks?

The Grunt said...

Claire~ It's great to have you back. I was wondering about you.

Ks~ Hey, go ahead and feel free to spread the word. Oh yeah, welcome!

TG~ I'd pay to see that.