Monday, July 03, 2006

How to get a free meal at Panda Express

It must be the George Kastanza in me: I figured out a way to get free meals at Panda Express. This, in theory, could work at similar joints with food bins.

Here's how you do it: Wait for five minutes before closing time, walk into the store and go straight for the bathroom--hide in there. Now you're saying, "This is so stupid. Grunt, you're so stupid." Bear with me. You synchronize your watch to their clock and wait to hear for the tell tail signs of closing up shop--registers being closed, doors. etc. Then you pull a David Copperfield and show up at the counter and order the food that they are about to throw away. I did this tonight. The guy agreed to let me have whatever was there, but no drinks. So, there was a batch of Kung Pow and Orange Chicken that was pretty fresh. This was going to be thrown out anyways, so I was doing them a favor.


Now you're saying, "Grunt, you're a genius. I want to have your children!!!" Men, you may ignore the last sentence and use this instead, "I want to let you have my hot 22-year-old girlfriend and my 911 turbo!!!"

It gets better. My fortune cookie read: "An admirer finds you charming" (what, as opposed to "finds you appalling and horrible in the sack?"). This is particularly refreshing, because the last Chinese restaurant I went to gave me this fortune cookie message: "Your nuts weer shriver up and you'rr goring to die arr arone, rooser. Bwahahahahahaha!!!" I think that fortune was (#1) too nasty, (#2) racist, and (#3) how'd it know about my steroid abuse?

9 comments:

goldennib said...

You are too clever for words.

Fortune cookie fortunes are written by leprechaun slave labor. It's a terrible injustice.

vera said...

there are some people that get 3+ fortunes in one cookie. i em never one of those people. in fact, i once received a fortune cookie with NO fortune in it at all. i took that to mean a positive thing. well, just b/c i'm like that, yo and also b/c it was too depressing to thing that i didn't have any future whatsoever... what do you suppose that means? to not get ANY fortune. ya'll are lucky bastards is what you are!
v

Scott said...

Brilliant!!

Scott

Güggs said...

We overdosed on chinese food last night. It was a case of "enough" = too much.

I'm one of those lucky ones that get three in one fortunes. But then again, i got a Jones' message that read: Respect Natural Habitats. What the H is that suppose to mean? I mean, I know what it means; but how is that applicable to me.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Grunt- you are so funny. I worked at a Chinese restaurant for 4 years- got lots of free food! They do hate to throw stuff away- but they also don't like to eat what they serve- they like REAL Chinese food...which most Americans can not stomach.
Me- on the other hand- I love the real stuff...it is soooo good :)

Christielli said...

lol at your plan! Hehehe.

Fortune cookies always make me think of the Simpsons and the "open the stick with your wife barrel" joke.

The Grunt said...

Remember back in the day when I could respond to everyone individually? I love you all and feel bad that my extra cirricular stuff has been putting a damper on interacting more.

Nice to see you back Christielli. I enjoy it when you visit.

Cora~I know why you like the real stuff, too. Been to a far off land for a cause that hardly anyone else can realate to--except me.

Scott~I hope that the kids will still look up to me. If I am a bad example, feel free to use me as a cautionary tale for your clients.

Vera~Your fortune should read: "You don't want a damn fortune anyways, Heathen!!!" Lol!

Guggs~You are my sunshine...in a brotherly manly man way *cough*. Erm...eh, Your fortune is Mother Nature calling you out. It wants you to be her bitch.

Goldie~I know too well the horrors of the leprechaun slave trade. It's all the pirates' and lumberjacks' fault.

Andrea said...

Do you do this on DATES too or just alone, cause if it was on DATES that would be full on George Kastanza.

:)

Melliferous Pants said...

The only thing Panda Express gives me is diarrhea.