I don't like overcast days as much as I used to

It's true. For a guy that spent some of the prime years of his life selling vacuum cleaners for Jebus in Northern England you'd think that my love for the gray day would never wain. Well, it has. I require upliftment more in my life now than ever. Being right smack dab in darkest winter here in my beloved home has been wearing on me. I was born in Phoenix. I am freaking solar powered. I need the sun.

Not too long ago I could go through a bleak winter scape while listening to Sisters of Mercy and be unaffected. In fact, I dug the inner nihilist within. Something has changed. It wasn't an effort on my part at all. My battle for my life altered who I am. I didn't ask for the changes, but they happened anyway. I'm not saying that it is good or bad, just different.

I'm not sure what I want now that things have shifted. Where life will take me next is a mystery.

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Ricola!

Ricola enables men wearing funny shorts to blow big horns and yodel. Ricola is also my favorite lozenge and I'm sucking on one now. That's TIGF!!!
All together now: Riiiiiiiiiiicooooooooolaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
P.S. If you haven't read my blog in the past while please read the previous post. Something really good happened to me and I would like you to know about it.

A True Christmas Story

I want to tell you all about something that happened to me on Christmas Eve. I was watching one of the older film versions of Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" with my sister. Around the end of the film I joked to my sister that I was like Tiny Tim and that Scrooge owed me. It was about ten minutes later that a knock at the door interrupted our movie.

There was a young girl at the door. I did not know who she was. She asked if I were who I am and I said "yes". It was at that point that she unveiled a jar full of money and gave it to me. She then said that the party responsible for the gift wished to remain anonymous.

I did not know how to respond. I was truly overwhelmed by this gift. I have been stretched thin financially due to my medical bills and missed work. This money was a godsend. I started expressing my gratitude to her while fighting off tears. It was obvious that she was moved as well. She gave this reply to me, "Just know that there are people out there who care very much for you." I guess so.

I haven't counted the money yet. It still seems unreal to me at the moment. I am forever grateful to whoever is responsible for this act of pure charity towards me. It won't matter how much it turns out to be. The act alone was the greatest gift. I am humbled.

Christmas Adam

That is the second day before Christmas. A-har-har!

So, what is Santa going to bring you all for Christmas this year? I'm not sure what I'm getting but hopefully I will be getting better. Actually, I have improved a bit since my last post, health wise. I'm still coughing all the time but I am less congested.

Today (Monday) marks my last nuepogen injection. My doctor felt that it was unnecessary after my last chemo to go through the round of five injections since there is not another treatment to get my blood counts up for. I won't miss the horrible bone pain or flu-like symptoms that those injections gave me. I am grateful, though, for the fact that the shots kept my white blood cells at a level where I could continue treatment.

It blows my mind at the tens of thousands of dollars that all of my treatments have cost. There's no way around the expense of cancer treatment like this. While I have had problems with bills and insurance I am indeed grateful that the bulk of the expenses have been covered. That does not mean that my bills have been light. I get into a panic every time the mail comes. I will make it through the financial stuff, eventually.

Right now I just want to have a Merry Christmas and feel better. I think that is not such an unreasonable request.

Wish I were feeling better

I've got a sinus cold. It really sucks to have this on top of all the other nastiness that just having chemo brings. I was in for my nuepogen injection today and consulted the head nurse about my condition. She said that as long as I'm not running a fever that I just need to take care of myself like a normal cold. If I do get a fever I have to go straight to the ER. Right now I just feel as though someone has shot a bunch of warm jello up into my sinuses. I cough a bit here and there as well. Loads of fun, I tells ya.

Anyway, sorry about no TIGF!!! I just have not been feeling in any kind of silly mood to do that sort of thing. I need prayers and anything that you feel will bring me some healing sent my way--thoughts, and etc. I get worried that somehow I won't get over a silly cold like this. When something major is going on and then you get hit with one more thing it tends to topple you some.

I can't wait until I am through with this stuff.

I made it through my 11th chemo

I wasn't feeling good this morning but I pulled through and the doctors gave me the go ahead for treatment. I feel real weird right now, but it feels good to know that I only have one more left.

I hate days where all my body can do is lay around. You start to get real tripped out. Tonight I'm a bit edgy and yet I'm too tired to do anything about it. This bugs me to no end. Anyway, I made it through the day. I thought you all would want to know.

Sitting around trying to get better

I've got a bit of a cold. I don't know what will happen tomorrow (read Wednesday) if my doctors will postpone my treatment. I don't even have a sore throat or a temperature. I had a cough and now just some congestion in my throat area. There is nothing wrong with my lungs.

I am now paranoid that this will delay my treatment. I didn't want this. I just want to get done for crying out loud. I feel like I am getting better, but who knows what the doctors will say. It's a bit touch and go with this stuff. Wish me luck.

Rectum? Damn near killed him!

I wish I were in a jokey mood right now. The title is the only one I could come up with, and that is a joke that has to be spoken in order to be funny.

I'm tired of being in pain, feeling lonely, and tired of being tired. I'm worn out. Treatment number eleven is this Wednesday. I'm going through mixed emotions about it. I'm glad that I am getting closer to the end, but I am so tired of dealing with all the nasty side effects of the chemotherapy and nuepogen injections. I am looking forward to the Holidays.

I know I just need to keep my chin up. It's just that I am really feeling it right now and it's taking its toll on me. I've come to far to give up. Cliche, I know, but it's true.

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Rudolph the Reindeer's red nose

Proof that Rudolph's red nose was its own entity: Rudolph was straight; the nose was gay. Seen here is a prime example of this dichotomy in action. The nose is hitting on this "hot" man elf. I think the nose is saying, "So, what kind of reindeer games do you play?" This gets Rudolph in a lot of sticky situations, as you could imagine. I mean, I don't even know, or want to know, how a gay, glowing red nose has intercourse.

This is the real reason Rudolph wasn't accepted by the other reindeer, those gay nose bashers. It wasn't until Santa discovered how fabulous that glowing gay disco nose was in the fog that Rudolph finally got a break. It turns out that the nose was not only fabulous, but functional. That my friends is way TIGF!!!

Patience

I've apparently not learned this enough. I can't wait to be done with my treatments. I want to change some things in my life, but I need to wait a bit until I take on those challenges. My health comes first. Still, it is incredibly frustrating. From when I started having noticeable health trouble, till now, it has been about nine months. I thought this was my year where things would change. They have, but not in any way I could have imagined.

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I'm alive. Thank you medical science. Thank you God.

Big winds make for strange dreams

Last night the East winds kicked up through the canyons. These winds have been known to blow freight trains off the tracks and roll steel towers into balls. While last night's winds did not get past 80 mph, the snow drifts left over made my little world feel a bit arctic. I'm also quite tired.

It's really hard to fall asleep over constant wooshing and banging, and then there was the wind (a-har-har). When I did finally get to sleep the first time I had a really creepy dream. In this dream there was a demonic force in my room that kept grabbing me by my feet and raising them. Sometimes I'd be lifted clean up and dangling from my ceiling. I don't think I need to tell you the fright that I had while trying to figure out if this was real or dream. I did finally wake up and figured out that the wind was the "demonic" force that had been terrorizing me.

The next dream of the night, care of the wind, was a scenario where I was married to Andie Mac Dowell (I don't care how old she is, she's still smokin'). She and I had a little family and we were moving into a new house together. This is where a psycho moving van dude comes into play. This freak comes roaring down the street, turns into the driveway and drives straight through the damn house. As he is turning around for more, I grab a huge rock and huck it through the windshield of the moving van. This only pisses the guy off even more and now he's chasing me down "Maximum Overdrive" style. I manage to make it back inside the house and I try to call 911, but none of the effin' phones work. All this time the moving van keeps plowing through the house trying to kill me. The best part of this dream is that when the cops finally show up there is no damage to the house and I get arrested for assault because I threw a rock at the guy.

I never knew that the wind could drive my subconscious so.

Big 500

The pressure is on. This is my 500th post. I think maybe I should have ordered some pizza for all of you guys, ooh, and some Dew.

I'm not sure what to post about on this momentous occasion. Maybe I will talk about my dreams of becoming an astronaut. Yeah, I will be the first dude to set up shop on Mars and I will sell Indian rugs and pottery there.

No, something tells me that I should talk about my dreams of meeting Evel Knievel some day. Oh yeah, he's dead. I can still visit his grave and tell his alcoholic son Robbie that he sucks compared to his dad.

I watched the trailer for the new Rambo movie that is coming out. Laughed my ass the whole way through. I can't wait for its release.

I was dragged to see "The Golden Compass" the other day. I think I understood one thing: Hollywood sucks. I did, however, wonder what kind of animal demon I'd have by my side: an aardvark. No one else would have that shit. They'd be all hogging birds, cougars, and other noble or cool stuff. I figure that my aardvark demon wouldn't really interfere much with my life. Plus, I'd never have ant infestations ever again.

I bumped into a girl that I really used to like today. I really used to like her, not just today. Anyway, there was some obvious catching up to do since I look like the post crack-up version of Bob Geldof from the movie "Pink Floyd's The Wall". At least he still kept the hair on his head. Oh, and my hairless nips did not get harmed from a straight razor, just plain old chemo. My story continues: She's married now and still pretty as ever. Something told me that not all was well in matrimony land, but that is her deal. She felt bad for what I've gone through, but happy to see that I'm giving a good fight. I think we both played a bit of "what if" in our heads, then we went on with our lives. Life is funny.

I think that is a suitable ending for my big 500th. Good day.

Bibble Bibble

Nothing to see here. Just a bunch of aimless typing. Carry on about your business. What, you still reading this? Well, I can't help it if you are bored. I guess I'm a bit bored myself. That, and a bit starved for attention. I could have something meaningful to write about but I don't, so there.

What's the deal? I got one useless paragraph written and now I'm starting a second? Oh boy, I must be in need of something to do. This is the problem when I don't take my meds. I'm a bit jittery tonight. I tried and failed at watching "Animal House". You know things are bad when that doesn't work. My guitar just laughs at my fingers. It says, "Come play me if you dare. I'll give those sodding fingers some blisters if you come near me!" Really, my fingers are a bit sensitive lately. Watch what you say around them.

Speaking of fingers, or rather, nails, the index and middle fingernails on my left hand have been curving down in a way that reminds me of a cadaver I once saw. That is a rather morbid observation, if you ask me. I think I will trim them. I have an idea, though, as to why they have been doing this. I have been pressing them into my palm as a way to relieve stress. I've been doing a lot of strange stuff like that lately. Have you any idea the strange looks I get from slapping my ass with my feet? That takes talent, by the way.

I am a bit stressed out about Christmas this year. My money is pretty much tied up in bills and I'm still not feeling like Bruce Jenner, Carl Lewis, or Gary Coleman lately. Maybe I feel a bit like Marty Wilson from down the street. Yes, I think that is how I'm feeling right now.

Well, I'm nearing the end of this bit 'o' bibble bibble. I wonder how many goats, dogs, swallows, and other creatures of the earth have wondered if life is worth living. I have and the answer is probably yes. Anyway, have a wonderful morning/day/evening and try the turducken. It's moist!

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Mojitos

Anything that was big in the '80s and makes a comeback is TIGF!!! I'm not a drinker, but I have heard enough buzz about the mojito to go ahead and declare it TIGF!!!

What's even more TIGF!!! is to keep repeating it in an exaggerated pronunciation (moxito) to people in order to impress them with your knowledge of mixed rum based drinks. Oh yeah, and it is minty too.

NOFL

I was walking by a window display today and saw "NOFL". I sat there for a few minutes asking myself "what in the hell is NOFL?" It was pretty funny when I realized that I was looking at an "E" and not an "F" like I had thought.

You've heard of gypsy's curses, right? Well, I am here to tell you that hobo curses are just as real. I was downtown today and a hobo started walking across the road right after my light turned green. We all had to wait at our green light for this hobo to cross the damn road. I yelled out the window at the hobo and called him a stupid jerk. This is when he glared at me and set a curse upon my head. After that I hit ten red lights in a row. Stupid hobo jerk.

I've come up with the cleaning product of the future: Soylent Clean. It uses the cleaning power of people. (I can't get enough of "Soylent Green" related humor).

Okay, you've got three funny paragraphs. This is where I tell you how much I love and appreciate you guys and gals. My life has been pretty bleak in spots recently. When I find your comments to my posts in the morning it is like finding gifts laid out before me. I go in for big #10 tomorrow (or today, when most will read this). That's 10 out of 12 chemo treatments. It has been getting progressively tougher. But I know that I will get through it. I don't know what life will throw at me next, but I'm hoping that it will be something good.

Everything's Satisfactual

What to post about? My dream about being the blog world's Uncle Remus? Nah. Maybe I will post about some real life stuff.

I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Since Thursday I've been experiencing bone pain, a full body rash, a pulled groin, and a dead right arm (not from masturbating). The bone pain went away mid Friday. The rash is now only around my torso. My right arm and groin still hurt like a mofo. I went bowling with a group and I got way too into it, trying to spin 16 pound balls down the lane like a pro. I suck big time but I have fun. It was just too much for me in my condition to go at it like I did.

I look in the mirror and see how much my body has suffered from this battle. Where once were firm muscles are loose lumps. My best friend and I spent the day together on Saturday. He was telling me about Lance Armstrong's threshold for pain being much greater after having battled cancer, to which Lance and others attribute his dominance in cycling. My friend then wondered if the same would be true for me. I sat there and tried real hard to come up with an answer. I don't know.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal as far as pain is concerned. Most of my days are spent dealing with the effects of the chemo and nuepogen injections. I do know that the end is in sight, finally. My doctors performed more scans and tests of my body and have found that the cancer is all but gone. I still have to complete my treatments, but that gives me something to hold on to.

Despite having to fight an ugly fight I still have days where the sun is shining and I feel like singing "zippity-doo-dah" to Mr. Blue Jay on my shoulder. I think when I take it all in as a whole everything is satisfactual. I think the corn mash helps a bit.

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Rob Halford

That's right. Rob Halford is the singer for Judas Priest and the best heavy metal singer ever. Seriously. Now the scoop is that around '79, about when "Hell Bent For Leather" came out, Rob wanted to express himself without saying it, so he just wore onstage what he bought from a London gay sex shop for his own personal needs. What is funny is that this is the origin of the heavy metal look, and one that is associated with being masculine and tough.

Even though Halford looked like this many women wanted him. He eventually came out in the nineties and apparently that still shocked some people. I mean, what does a guy have to wear to get some cock around here?

Snow day

It snowed here today. I can't believe how much colder I am now that I have more in common with a dolphin than a chimpanzee. This got me thinking about snow and how it shouldn't have to be cold. What if snow could also be like warm sand falling down on you, but still have the same consistency and properties of snow? That would be sexy.

There was a guy that was talking to a few of us at work. He isn't that bright. He actually started a story by saying, " Yeah, I remember when my parents were little..." I burst out laughing and apparently deeply offended this man. I don't care. If you go around telling people that you remember when your parents were little you should be laughed at. This same guy once told me that his parents owned a ski lift. I had a chance to meet this guy's mother in front of him. I asked her about their "ski lift" and she looked at me like I was smoking crack, initially, then started to laugh. She explained that her and her husband used to ride this one lift so much that they joked that it was theirs. Her son then became visibly upset, like his whole world was falling apart. He really believed this story to be true. Folks, this guy is not a retard. He is a grown man. A grown man with serious issues.

I was bored driving in my utility van and the radio sucks. So I made up a fun song, doo-wop style, about beavers on the loose. I wish I had wrote the lyrics down. Basically, it was just "Bea-ha-vers on the loo-a-hoose" over and over again in different keys and falsetto. It could totally be a smash hit. It actually is similar to another song I wrote in the van, "Big Bag 'o' Pussies". It's a protest song...er, for PETA.

If someone sees themselves in the mirror and thinks it's another person don't be too alarmed. It's when they start telling you how that other person has started molesting them that you should start worrying.

This is a true story. There is a kid that I have been teaching guitar gear related stuff to, not guitar lessons, but setup and stuff like that. Well, I demonstrated my gear/chops to him and apparently have become his new guitar god. He asked me to join his heavy metal band, Vulcan. I was actually very flattered, but I am not sure how comfortable I would be, a guy in his thirties, playing with a bunch of seventeen year olds. Plus, I am not really a "metal" player, even though I certainly listen to a lot of old school stuff. Plus, plus, if I were in a band named "Vulcan" and was the sole old dude, everybody would think that I named the band and was some kind of hopeless Trekkie. Anyway, it kind of made my day. Maybe I could wear a gimp mask to conceal my identity. Drat! Samson already did that. (See, I know my metal history.)

That is all for now. Good day.

Connection retention

Lately I have had a hard time with this. I have been an "inspiration" to other people and have touched their lives with what I'm going through and how I'm dealing with it. I can see it in their faces and how much they ask about me. For some reason I have a hard time retaining these moments and connections, relying on an accumulation of them to get me through.

I have not been able to make a connection from my vantage point in the tangible world during this ordeal. I am aware of people that care for me, and I need those people. However, for some reason I don't seem to stick to anyone in particular. When I am alone it can be a bit too much me and when I am around people the company seems more like a mass of noise and business.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am just trying to protect myself. Whatever the case, I find myself looking at my address book pondering who to call to see if things will be any different. I call anyway because it is still better to talk to somebody, rather than myself. I just wish that I could be more invested in people sometimes because it seems like they are so invested in me. I don't like the inequality of it from my part.

It's been awhile since I've been over the moon about someone and I'm not talking just love. I mean being wowed and satisfied. That can come from anyone and isn't necessarily sexual. I think the closest I came to that was watching a film where Al Kooper, Mike Bloomfield, and Bob Dylan were in the studio recording "Like a Rolling Stone". That opening to that song is the feeling I long for when I desire someone. I get the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end with that song and to see the masters at work just inspired me to no end.

Maybe I look for things that can't be found--an Indiana Jones trip--that undeniable desire for unobtainable or rare goods. It keeps me entertained and alone, the kind of alone that you get at the edge of a sun-drenched hillside. You can't live there but it can feel good for a time. But I am getting tired being the caretaker of emotional antiquities, to be looked at only and not touched.

Maybe it is time to open up the case and let the risk of dirty hands spoil the preserved artifacts of heart and mind. Purity is useless unless shared which means letting contamination in. Or more purity. Either way, I'm doing things and meeting new people. My mother would be so proud.

Seven weird/random things about me tag/meme

I got tagged by a good bloggitty buddy Tys on Ice here. I am not a tagger or a memeier (I just made that one up, Websters) and so I leave this one open to anyone who just wants to be on my good side, or indifferent side. Whatever.

1. My ultimate job requires Jimi Hendrix Experience. I've listened to all the stoned tapes of him and Jim Morrison yelling/singing about effing girls up the ass. I think I've earned it.
2. Top scientists agree that I am a man of many wonderful wonders. For instance, I can make my thumbs bend backwards at right angles.
3. I once wrote and recorded a song about eating cheese. It was kind of dirty.
4. I will pick up any nasty penny I see on the ground because I truly believe that I'll get good luck from it all day.
5. I once bit into a Siamese cat's balls when I was a toddler. That was the only cat my dad ever loved and it also knew how to use and flush the toilet. I can't remember any of the ball biting, but my dad likes to bust that story out when there has been company.
6. I am completely hairless down in my crack now due to losing hair from chemo. That is one area that can remain hairless, if you ask me.
7. I talk to myself and sometimes answer back. What?

So, there you have it. I gave you what came off the top of me tit. I hope you enjoyed reading. Goodbye for now.