Sunday, November 25, 2007

Connection retention

Lately I have had a hard time with this. I have been an "inspiration" to other people and have touched their lives with what I'm going through and how I'm dealing with it. I can see it in their faces and how much they ask about me. For some reason I have a hard time retaining these moments and connections, relying on an accumulation of them to get me through.

I have not been able to make a connection from my vantage point in the tangible world during this ordeal. I am aware of people that care for me, and I need those people. However, for some reason I don't seem to stick to anyone in particular. When I am alone it can be a bit too much me and when I am around people the company seems more like a mass of noise and business.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am just trying to protect myself. Whatever the case, I find myself looking at my address book pondering who to call to see if things will be any different. I call anyway because it is still better to talk to somebody, rather than myself. I just wish that I could be more invested in people sometimes because it seems like they are so invested in me. I don't like the inequality of it from my part.

It's been awhile since I've been over the moon about someone and I'm not talking just love. I mean being wowed and satisfied. That can come from anyone and isn't necessarily sexual. I think the closest I came to that was watching a film where Al Kooper, Mike Bloomfield, and Bob Dylan were in the studio recording "Like a Rolling Stone". That opening to that song is the feeling I long for when I desire someone. I get the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end with that song and to see the masters at work just inspired me to no end.

Maybe I look for things that can't be found--an Indiana Jones trip--that undeniable desire for unobtainable or rare goods. It keeps me entertained and alone, the kind of alone that you get at the edge of a sun-drenched hillside. You can't live there but it can feel good for a time. But I am getting tired being the caretaker of emotional antiquities, to be looked at only and not touched.

Maybe it is time to open up the case and let the risk of dirty hands spoil the preserved artifacts of heart and mind. Purity is useless unless shared which means letting contamination in. Or more purity. Either way, I'm doing things and meeting new people. My mother would be so proud.

11 comments:

Scary Monster said...

Taakin care of yerself and makinn certain that the rest of the world don't come crashing in be the first and foremost step in making life bearable. What be makin it enjoyable and crazy be lettin others do the drivin...

STOMP

cindra said...

I think you are just wonderful right how you are and shouldn't overanalyze you right now. Let the rest of us do that! :)

The Grunt said...

Scary~ Yeah, I think that's the case. I just want to get through this thing but I sometimes shut people out of certain areas of my life to have "shelter".

Cindra~ I'll be happy to let you do the overanalyzing. Thanks for posting the Waterloo Sunset clip on your blog.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I can see how your handling what you're going through the way you are is an inspiration to others. But I don't find it that stange that you aren't as invested in people as you think you should be. A lot of people do care about you and are showing their concern for you and that has to be somewhat overwhelming to deal with at times. You have so many people very focused on you that it would be nearly impossible to attach yourself to just one person. You might feel guilty that you aren't able to focus on others the way they do on you right now, but you shouldn't. This thing that you are battling is taking everything you've got to overcome so I don't think anyone would blame you for being a little preoccupied right now.

It might have been awhile since you've been over the moon about someone but I know that you do invest yourself in others under normal circumstances. Give yourself a break. XOXOX :)

Karyn said...

"It's been a while since I've been over the moon about someone and I'm not talking just love. I mean being wowed and satisfied. "

Yep. Totally get that.

Totally got that, actually.

Then it went away. And it will be a long time before I can have it again.

And you know? I'm thinking it sounds altogether too good to scoop out a small place on the floor of my closet to hide in until it's safe to come back out.

I'm not cut out for this world; it's just too much for me.

I don't know how you do it - you blow my mind - keep doin' whatcha do, kid, cos you're something else.

Queue_t said...

Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself- you are not in a giving place at the moment and that is o.k.

Take for a while- it's all good. When you can you will find the pay-it- forward for now don't worry - be happy as Bobby Mcferrin sings and whistles.

thinking and offering up prayers for you everychance I get. your #1 lurker. ( have you seen my cu.edu url? ) thats me too. Q.T

Jules said...

We're not greedy people in here... and I'm sure your 3D's aren't either. We'll just take you when we can get you and that's enough right now, Grunty. Only 3 more to go, baby... you can do it, and then guess what? You'll start feeling yourself again! (In the mental/spiritual sense... but either way I'm not going to judge!)

((HEARTFELT HUGS))

Tys on Ice said...

i think your mom will be proud for more things thn ur doing thngs and meeting people...

letting in people requires one to expose ones vulnerability, thts understandably hard...but then, thts perhaps why we say that we 'fall' in love...its a sort of surrender...

let go...

vera said...

I don't think you're ever going to "feel like yourself again"... I think YOU have been changed by this experience and as you stand you might not be dealing well with other people until you know how this has totally impacted you... Scared to let people into the person whom you aren't quite familiar with makes more sense to me. Let it ride, baby... You're too self-aware to not realize that who you are NOW is not who you were THEN... I'm around in the background (as you know) and you know how to get a hold of me if you desire...
/Vera

The Grunt said...

O-Girl~ Yeah, that does make sense.

Karyn~ I hope things get better for the both of us.

QT~ I'll need to check that site out. Thanks for being my #1 lurker.

Jules~ I don't know. I'd totally watch a show called "Judge Jules".

Ty~ I guess I've taken a global approach to the philosophy of "never surrender". It's time to categorize that.

Vera~ You are right. I have been changing and honestly I don't know what I want now. This is probably a good thing, but right now it is just scary as hell.

Clearlykels said...

Would you like some hand sanitizer for the dirty hands?