Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Toilet humor

When I was getting potty trained there was a period of time where I was absolutely terrified by our toilet. I used to even flush my underwear down with my doodies just to make sure that the "toilet monster" was well fed. I thought that this way he'd not be hungry enough to eat me. My mom and dad used to pull their hair out trying to snake out my Fruit of the Looms from the plugged up toilet. Eventually, I gave up going on my own and sought out other places to do my business.

I found that the closets of my siblings, namely my two middle sisters, was a great place to hide and take a crap. I think I even crapped in one of their shoes. I have a distinct memory of listening to Peter Frampton on my sister's eight-track Panasonic and making a little log cabin in the corner of her closet. When I hear the lyrics "Woke up one morning with a wine glass in my hand. What wine? Who's wine? Where the hell did I dine?" It brings back certain dark memories. I mean, there was no light in there. I couldn't see what I was doing!

Eventually, I was tortured to death by the wrath of my middle sisters' sharp nails and nougies. This posed certain problems. See, if I crapped in my oldest sister's closet, she would either smoke it (that's good shit) or her vast array of stoner boyfriends would hunt me down and kill me for giving them a bad trip. They didn't care that I was only just three at the time. Hell, I might have been four by then. The freakin' toilet monster was still pretty damn real to me.

The other option was to do it in my big brother's closet, which I did and was severely beaten for. The other part of that problem was that we shared a room together and I would have to smell my own doo doo feces if I continued to use my brother's closet. I had no closet, so that was not an option. It was either my mother's sewing room or outside. Hey, I figured that my dogs did it out there, so why not me?

I found a nice secluded spot on the West side of the house right next to our central air compressor. There were two trees that grew out from another in a tight "V" and had two knots that I could use as footholds in order to straddle effectively. This setup worked great. I even came up with a game called "Rocket Ship". I would do a countdown and blast off, all with cool rocket noises. It wasn't actually rocket fuel that was being expended, but it surely was quite a spectacular scene. Even the neighbors thought so. Eventually, it all came to an end for me.

I remember it well. This time I was almost five and still going out to the side of the house and playing Crap Armstrong, Alan Shityard, and Butt Aldrin. I forgot that my friend Jason was coming over to play. Jason came and asked my brother and his friend where I was--they were playing some one on one in the driveway on the East side of the house. After they looked in all the usual places they found me.

So, here I am up in a tree making rocket noises with no pants on and crap dangling out my asshole. I was totally oblivious to anything else going on until I heard this: "Oh my god! Your brother is taking a shit in a tree!!!" Scarred for life does not even begin to describe the absolute horror that I went through that day. I mean, I was in my little fantasy world, taking care of business, and then I look to see that I have an audience. My friend ran away from me. I put my pants on and tried to convince him to come back. He just kept going. Do you know what that does to a kid? I know that the toilet monster was behind all of this. He was always going to get me one way or another.

I look back and laugh at this moment in my life. It is so damn funny to me, but it wasn't back then. I had to be shamed into properly using the toilet. My friend wouldn't play with me for a month, and Joe, my bro's "Mexican Twin" friend (a real "Pancho and Lefty", those two) just loved holding that one over my head. That was probably the single most embarrassing thing from my early years as a child. I do feel liberated telling ya'll this, so liberated, in fact, that I just may need to feed the toilet monster right now.


Scary Monster said...

Damn, Me figures that this must've been a hard post to write. Me is cracking up and spittin on meself just readin it. You had to recall all the "shitty" moments and actually put them into words.
How many breaks did you have to take to finish this?

Oh Cap'n, Me Cap'n.


Crystal said...

you said doodoofeces! yay!!!

hilarious post. love it.

my friend's nephew personifies the toilet and talks to it, making it talk back vantrilolistically (spelling = fucked) in a deeper voice, while moving the seat up an down in true mouth-fashion.

pees. zips.


Kid "You want some more?"


Kid "Ok, Mr. Toilet. Here you go!"

zip. flop.

Karyn said...

Sweet merciful crap, Grunt, that was effing hilarious. I'm sorry for the three year old you were, and I'm impressed with the thirtysomething you are now for being brave enough to tell that tale.

But my goodness; I think I did myself an injury laughing at this one, baby.

I had no such issues. I did fall into the toilet once, if that helps, trying to be "a big girl" and do it all by myself. My parents finally heard me calling for help and had to fish my butt out of the toi-toi and clean me up.


Mayden's Voyage said...

Grunt, Darlin'-
Oh...having a 2 and 4 yr old in my house pretty often (nephews)- my heart goes out to you as a kid. I wonder why your parents didn't address this more carefully with you- I'm guessing you were the baby?
On the other hand, some potties are pretty loud- to this day, my daughter hates to flush with the door closed- and she's 11.5-

One day- I think, you are going to be an awesome dad :)

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I can't stop laughing! You sound so much like my brother at that age! I beat him up so bad and made so much fun of him. Poor little sap. I was really mean about embarrassing him about it.

Just be glad that I wasn't your sister!

Keshi said...

lolz Grunty u sound so cute!

Toilet Monster...why didnt u think of a toilet fairy? :)


Scary Monster said...

The toilet monster be a distant relative on me fathers side.

He be loving Mariachi music


Jules said...

Probably one of your funniest posts ever, Grunty. Seriously. The image of you sitting up in the tree with a giant turd hanving from your anus just splits my sides! How can you even remember being that young? ... I take that back. If something like that happened to me, I'ld sure as heck remember it too!! High five, Lord McNot. Waaaay too amusing!

The Grunt said...

SM~ I held it until I was finished. Are you proud of me?

Crystal~ That is super hilarious about your friend's little boy. I think it could be a Vegas worthy ventriloquist act.

Karyn~ Boy. you could have really used that "Medi-Alert" bracelet back then. "I've fallen and can't get out!"

Cora~ Thanks! I really do look forward to becoming a dad, someday. My parents just had so many trials and I was the youngest with a sizable gap between the next one up and I. I think I got lost in the mix.

O-Girl~ Well, if you were my sister I would have allowed you to get physical with me and teach me a lesson.

Keshi~ The toilet fairy? Isn't that George Michael?


Jules~ I'm glad I could get you laughing. It's good to my expense.