Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Gaydream Believer

I once had a friend confide in me that he had a gaydream. I think he either wanted me to reassure him that he wasn't gay or he wanted me to make the first move. We had just spent the night in a tent, camped out in his backyard. We were like 13, so it wasn't like it was last Tuesday or something. The thing was that he obsessed about this stupid dream he had, believing that it somehow meant that he was gay. If this were the case--you are what you dream--then I must be able to fly and run like a gazelle. Oh, and I have a magic wand that gets me anything, and I do mean anything, I want. Creep!

Here's the thing: I could only humor my friend's requests to compare penis size for so long before I'd start wondering if there was something to the dream. I started becoming a gaydream believer too and was awfully scared that I would be cursed with a homonocturnal omen. Let's see...I had a dream that I screwed a water slide once, a tile wall, water, sand, and plenty of food items. Of course there was a steady supply of women, but I soon figured out that my brain was just pulling shit out at random and going all Green Eggs and Ham on my libido. I don't recall if I actually had a gaydream. If I did then I must've repressed that memory. Of course, I may well have had that kind of dream and never had it breach the surface of my consciousness.

I think a lot of the paranoia that teenage boys have about "turning gay" can be quite entertaining. When I was 10 I somehow thought that if my pee ended up getting up into my ass on accident then I'd get AIDS. So, anytime I'd take a rather hefty dump I got scared that the force of the splash might introduce some urine into my sphincter region. I really thought this. I mean, what was I supposed to think? It wasn't like my parents were grand scholars on this subject. Basically what we were getting told from older peers, and even some grown ups, was
that AIDS was strictly a dick-in-ass thing. Being 10, back in a more innocent time, I barely knew what semen was, so I tended to revert back to my "men pee in women to make a babies" doctrine. So, the only way I could conceive dudes getting it on was each other taking turns peeing in each other's buttholes. One of my friends was working on some kind of "funnel" theory of how that all worked. Well, at least he kept that theory to himself, other than the accidental slip in our tree fort.

Oh, there was a point to all this AIDS bidness: I thought that if I did catch AIDS from my pee getting into my ass that I would become gay by default. All I can say is thanks to Ryan White's struggle with the disease I got to see just how ugly the transformation it was from straight kid to outright flaming gay. I mean, the kid was hanging out with Michael Jackson! Seriously though, it showed me and the rest of the cornhole fearing community that you don't turn gay or that AIDS was a "gay" disease.

In summary, having a gaydream is just your mind's way of allowing you to get your Sodom on without getting blown up by the one who art in heaven. I also believe it is your subconscious' way of working out left overs in your libido. Ultimately, they don't make sense if it isn't true. Also, don't stick a funnel up your ass and try to pee in it. I don't know if that is even possible, but there is one kid who might have found out. His parent's drove a Volvo. See, that and putting your kids in private school is just asking for it.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

P.S. Check out the Lord of the Rings orgy scene on my sidebar.


goldennib said...

I have no point of reference for this subject. If I dream of having sex with other women, I just enjoy it.

Logophile said...

I am not sure what to say here,
Um, uh,
glad that all worked out for you.

vera said...

Did you ever dream about being a member of Judas Priest?

Clare said...

Just found your blog - laughing out loud at your post. My coworkers already think I'm crazy though, so it's no biggie.

Jules said...

Okay, I'll fess up. I've had gay dreams. Lots of them. And they're gooood too. LOL! I've had dreams of straight sex, guy on guy sex, girl on me sex...

Come on... does that really surprise you? Dreams are dreams. We can't control them.

The stuff you wrote about the pee in the ass thing - that might have been THE FUNNIEST thing I've EVER read.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I can't believe that you really thought that!!! LOL! That's too funny! It makes me feel a little better about how I thought one would contract AIDS and pregnancy and gayness. What?! I'm not going to tell what I thought!!!

Loved the LOTR video. LOL! There were many "gay" scenes in those movies--especially ones between Frodo and Sam. But time leave the hot elf out of it, K?

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ Is it possible for a man to dream of a woman dreaming of having sex with another woman? If it is, then I will make it my life's purpose to fulfill!

Logo~ Hey, you know how I am...easy cum, easy--well, you get my drift.

Vera~ I would give my right nut to become K.K. Downing or Glen Tipton. I would give both of my nuts to be both of them simultaneously! Wait, I think I'd need at least one nut in order to handle off-stage duties. Okay, I'd throw in my superfluous third nipple and keep both my nuts. There goes my fetish community.

Clare~ I'm glad you found me. Laughing out loud should be your anti-drug and I should be your pusher.

Jules~ You experience so many of life's riches at my hand. It is a good thing.

O-Girl~ Don' make me give you a phone call, girl! I wanna know. I gotsta know what you be thinking about the AIDS.

leelee said...


Sun Follower said...

On a completely unrelated (well, maybe not) note - I think that Phil Spector's new hari-do bears a striking similarity to that of Monkee Peter Tork. Hm... I think I'll blog about that sometime. But you heard it hear first.

The Grunt said...

Lee lee~ It's what I do.

Sun~ Good to see you back. I was missing you. I can't wait to read this post you are coming up with!

leelee said...

you are very good at what you do grunt..but I'm sure you've heard that before..