Friday, May 18, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Emo Hair

I wish I were talking about the comedian, Emo Philips, but unfortunately this isn't a TIGF!!! in a good way. Sorry for the streak of TIGF in a bad way posts. Well, the last one was pretty cool. I guess I am going to have to devote some time discussing pussy hair, and I am not talking about "Brazillians" or tabbies.

Oh, you'd like it very much if that's what I was going to talk about, perverts! No, I must discuss a problem with society that only I, Senior Grunty, can tackle.

This is what I am talking about:
Why on earth would someone put lard in their hair and stand out in the sun? That's what it looks like to me, at least. It's like it freakin' melted that way. Then there are the ones that are all messed up and pointy on the top. I was perplexed by this trend and decided to look into this matter further. What I found really made sense.

Emo hairstyles originated in Burbank California and New Jersey (home of all bad hairstyles) concurrently. It must have been, what I call, "The America Ass Cheek Trend Phenomenon", where the coasts start to form an ass first and later the asshole develops somewhere in the Midwest. Seniors, cool kids, jocks, and lunch ladies were having their way with the effeminate and disaffected outcasts in their high schools. After enduring years, decades, of swirlies and other humiliating (read hilarious) hazings, some of these kids with the most tender and emotive souls started to speak out for the rest of their oppressed kind. They began to let their hair dry exactly the way the "Standard" urinal or crap trap styled it. It was a sign of their solidarity.

Before you know it they were writing songs in unmanly and annoying whines that seemed to tell girls that they just might know what it is like to get their period, but not quite. It is in this acknowledgment of empathy that the emo lead singer has his key to the princess' pleasure palace. Somehow, the rest of the band just seems like dudes who just need a gig and so they go along with it.

Whatever it is that keeps this going on (thanks "bad" Peter Parker) I must admit that I really had bad hair in high school. I couldn't decide which actor from the movie "River's Edge" I wanted to be like most, so I tried a bit of all. I ended up having more of the "Crispin" instead of the "Keanu". I think this is why my supply of hot ass tapping was very limited--limited to unruly goth chicks. Ah, the folly of youth.


Jules said...

I'll admit to having those bangs that waved at passersby. I'd love to see a pic of your high school hair!

The Grunt said...

Jules, that is never going to happen. Fortunately, my parents deemed that I was too ugly to take pictures of between eighth grade and 18 years old. Yes, I was an ugly duckling and now I am a swan.

goldennib said...

Your pink letters are so appropriate for this post. What an odd phenominom(sp). Oh, and I object to that crack about NJ.

The Grunt said...

LOL, sorry Nessa. But isn't New Jersey the home of the "big hair"?

The Grunt said...

OK, off to work. Bye everybody!

Scary Monster said...

Me has come here, read the post, gone away without commenting. Come back again. re-read the post and split because me had to pee real bad. Come back AGAIN, and realized that me can't comment cause me ain't had a full head of hair since me lost a bet in high school. How the hell can Me say anything about faggy hair?

Scary Monster said...

Oh by the way. bartenders in NY used to call NJ hairstyles; the Bridge and tunnel birdsnest/ bimbo bouffant.

Not that me did. Nooooo, me was one of the nice guys.

Tee Hee, STOMP!

Cash said...

I am with you, my brother. When I am Emperor of the World, the first thing I am doing is banning Emo haircuts.

Well, the first thing I will do is revoke the 14th and 19th Amendments to the Constitution, take away womens' right to vote and make 'em all my slaves.

But after that? Emo haircuts, for sure.

Karyn said...

Dude, effing YECCCH.

I had a great pouffy wall of hair. Unfortunately, I didn't realise I was a swan in High School and was going to dwindle down to ugly duckling. (Ok. Maybe "swan" is too strong a word, but like, maybe a goose or a pelican or something. Or just a less ugly duck.)

If you weren't talking about Brazilians when referencing PH... what the hell WERE you talking about? What did I miss?

Jules said...

You're Swanalicious!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Horrible, it is! Yuck.

Is NJ really the home of big hair? Cause down here we always call the outdated, mile-high chick do's Mississippi High Hair.

Luckily we see less and less of the Mississippi High Hair these days, but it can still be spotted in backwards, red neck towns at the Wal-Mart.(Like my hometown. Ick!) And now you know why I don't live there anymore.

Scary Monster said...

Stompin Goood, Mississippi high hair. Me be imagining Marge Simpson fer some reason.

chandra said...

OMG you guys have those boys/men that wear the REALLY REALLY REALLY tight pants and the big 80's belts and with the crazy hair and seriously you're telling me you DON'T want attention when you look like that... well fuck that just about makes my mind boggle. Seems to me they are begging for attention. If you wanted to be an individual why would one want to wear what's "cool" as the skinny jeans are high in fashion. But hey this is just one unfashionable girl's opinion...

Malnurtured Snay said...

But ... Goth chicks are hot!

Christielli said...

I'm an emo shoe girl myself. Not emo hair. :)

The Grunt said...

SM~ Don't worry about karma, just give in and make fun of the emo kids. You know you wanna.

Cash~ I knew you would back me on this. Right on brotha!

Karyn~ Don't worry about missing details. It will hit you the second time around.

Jules~ That makes me sound like a TV dinner.

O-Girl~ So, is it a mile wide as well?

SM~ You again? It is good to see you.

Chandra~ And your opinion counts here.

Malnurtured Snay~ You know what? They sure can be so long as you do the "taking off the glasses" trick. This is how you can tell if any chick is truly hot.

Christielli~ You mean that my shoes have sensitive feelings now?