Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Crud!

Today sucked. I don't have an explanation but it just flat out sucked. I felt nauseous all day. Thoughts and feelings just came caving down on me. Depression filled me to my eyelids. All I kept telling myself was to make it through the day and I would be alright. Well, here I am. I made it! I feel somewhat better as well.

I've had a string of optimism and I was due for a crash. My body and mind can't tolerate optimism for very long. I have been conditioned all my life that "shit happens". I think my dad should get an award for filling me with high levels of anxiety, fear, and insecurity growing up. He somehow managed to make me feel responsible for always being on the verge of losing our house, and him being unemployed. Yeah, an 11-year-old kid sure has that kind of influence. It is really unsettling to grow up with a man that would lock himself away for days then come out screaming at you for minor infractions. I help care for that man now, that sweet 77-year-old man.

It really is a mind fuck, to tell you the truth. I love him dearly, yet he subjected me to a truly unpredictable and emotionally unstable upbringing. It wasn't my choice, but this is what I got. Just when I think I've gotten over it this beast rears its ugly fucking head and tears right into my new found optimism.

The worst part about all of this is that in the back of my head I am terrified that I will end up like him somehow. It really makes me want to remain alone in life. I don't want any part of passing this legacy on, you know? I've seen how it has affected my mother and my siblings. I know that my father was not the monster I thought him to be, though. Deep down I knew that he was hurting, that his life was in jeopardy. None of us really understood much about mental health to know that he was just diseased. I am so glad that he at least has found life to more enjoyable than he did back then. He still has his moments but at least he isn't Hannibal Lector anymore.

When I was in high school I could never get very close to any one girl. I deeply feared anyone getting to know what I really felt. My buddies didn't really care and I loved them for that, to be frank. I still have lingering problems with this. Usually, if I do share that part of me I proceed to cut and run. It's weird to realize that the reason you feel "unlovable" is primarily of your own making. I honestly don't know what to do with that word: love. If someone says that to me, that they love me, it is laughable. "How could anyone love me?" When your greatest profession in life is self loathing, having a person say that they love you is really idiotic, "They must really be stupid. Can't they see it?"

Of course, I have made huge leaps of progress since my deepest periods of feeling this way. But, I still have to deal with lingering bits, leftovers, of these things in my psyche. I have come to know over time what to expect and how to deal with these moments of crud. I no longer look at my scar and think about 5:30 AM much, other than that it happened long ago. I don't look at electrical cords and cross beams the same way as well. A bottle of pills or a handgun aren't seen as escape anymore. I just get through one bad day and dust myself off.

I didn't realize that I was that dusty today.

11 comments:

Karyn said...

That's all we can do somedays, you know. Those of us who survived these kinds of childhoods know that sometimes you take it one minute at a time... some days you succumb to the fall... some days you toy with that optimism and somedays you just hide under the blanket.

You're not alone - and you're totally loveable. And a tremendous human being.

I thank you for having the stones to write this.

Crystal said...

hug

Jules said...

Just for the record, I've known for quite some time now that you are lovable. So get used to it, Grunty. I can't speak for everyone, but I really do love you!

If you are the one to recognize the problem, and despise the thought of becoming like your dad, then you are the wone who will stop the legacy, as you put it. His legacy ends with you, because you see through it and have had little tastes of happiness and you know that life doesn't always have to sour, all of the time.

In other words: ((HUGE SQUISHY HUGS)) and I love you.

egan said...

Such a candid post sir. I like it. You know that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams' character tells Matt Damon "it's not your fault" over and over until he breaks down? I kind of want to say that to you but substitute the expression "you are loved". Thanks dude for this tough story.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

These kind of days will still rear their ugly head, even during your greatest run of optimistic bliss. Knock the dust off, Grunt. It's just a reminder to you to appreciate the good days and just by reading this post I can see that you are in a better place today than you were even just a short time ago. Isn't that what it's all about anyway, getting to a better place in life?

All the crappiness you dealt with growing up did have an effect on your emotions and how you deal with relationships. I also believe that it helped you develop this ability you have to understand and help others in need. In other words, you're a good person and a good friend.

That being said, you know your best qualities and deep down inside, you know your self worth. Yes, you are loveable and worthy of being loved. You just have to accept it and allow that love to penetrate into your heart. You might just find out how wonderful it feels to have someone treat you and care for you the way you deserve. What a nice change that would be.

Keshi said...

awww...we all have our sucky days and times that really dun have an explanation.

whatever it is, dun lose hope.

Keshi.

Christielli said...

Wow. Weird how a sucky day can bring out so much stuff, eh?

I admire how you are very upfront with your past. I tend to bottle a lot of stuff down and not deal with stuff. I think it's something that I have to work on.

Anyhow, reading your post made me think of some of the stuff I've dealt with in my life. I wish I could be as open as you.

Now that you're dusted off, I hope tomorrow is a great day for you.

The Grunt said...

Karyn~ Thank you. Real empathy always helps.

Chica~ I needed that hug.

Jules~ That is so true. I don't expect life to always be sour. I just get scared when I feel like what progress I make might evaporate. Squishy hugs are very nice.

Egan~ Thanks for your inspirational comment. I mean that sincerely. I kind of expect comments of support from women, but it is really powerful to get this kind of support from a man. Men have such a hard time communicating feelings, it seems. There is a way to do it--a masculine way that does not sacrifice depth and compassion. It buoys my spirit to know that you are setting a good example for other men.

O-Girl~ One giant roller coaster ride! It is hard to put your trust in others when the trust you have in yourself is under attack. Thanks for being my friend and sticking with me during my weirdness.

Keshi~ How can I lose hope with you backing me up?

Christielli~ Today was much better. My open nature is really a recent development. I have a long way to go in my everyday life, but I am improving. It helps that I am finally taking what I learned from my psychology degree and applying it to my own life.

goldennib said...

I'm so sorry I didn't read this more timely. I sympathize with you. These moments can come on for no good reason. I was raised to believe everything is my fault too. I can't watch the news because I take personal responsibility for everything that they report. Guilt sucks great big hairy ones. You need to know what a courageous person you are for slugging it through each day when you feel this way. Every small step takes you forward. And there is someone out there for you who will love you. You are a great person, just be patient and pull yourself out of bed each day.

egan said...

You're welcome sir. I mean it. It's kind of sad how men are expected to act a certain way, typically not emoting their feelings. I think it's great how candid you can be. Keep it up.

egan said...

P.S. the David Hasselhoff video in your sidebar is tough to watch. What a winner.