Thursday, May 03, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Electronic Signatures

So, I was at the DMV today getting my license renewed. I had to fill out an application with some strange questions. Needless to say, my family will be a bit mystified after my death when some men come to the door looking for my Wurlitzer. Maybe I am still a bit confused as to what it means to be an organ donor.

Anyway, everything was going just fine (fine, just fine). My eye sight
is spot on; the line moved fast, and they took plastic--finally. The part where I go to get my new photo for my license was the place it all went South.

First off, I was wearing a hoodie, as is the fashion these days (like so two years ago). I had the hood on earlier because it was raining outside. This messed up my hair. They didn't have a mirror for me to check my hair before the shoot. I also had bloodshot eyes and dark circles underneath due to lack of sleep from working around some nasty chemicals this week (effin' headaches). My picture made me look like a tweaker. That is not going to help me get out of a ticket.

After going through the horror that is the DMV portrait, I went over to seal the deal with my signature. This is where my day got worse. I fear the UPS man because of this thing: the electronic signature machine. Normally, having the UPS man stop by is the only time I get excited about seeing brown. Now all brown is associated with disgust and disappointment. I cannot sign these things to save my life. Seriously, if they were to make an inspirational movie about my life it would involve raising Anne Sullivan from the dead and teaching me how to use these things. I can see it now...

Mrs. Sullivan: "You can do it. Feel the stylus--let it be part of your hand."

Me: "Uhhhhhhh, wahwah...naaaaaaaaaaa--phffffffbbbbbbbbt!"

Mrs. Sullivan: "You almost have it. Don't lift the stylus or else you will lose control."

Me: "Ahhhhhh, bwahwah....moooooo?"

Mrs. Sullivan: "Don't look at that cow; look at me! Sign your name with me...Guh-Gruh-Grunt-ty."

Me: "Grwahwah?"

Mrs. Sullivan: "Yes! Yes, again!!! Gruuuuuuuunty."

Me: "Gwuuuuuuuunteeee!"

Mrs. Sullivan: "Close enough, you brick."

So, in closing, I will say that my new driver's license will not only make me look like a meth addict, but also a tomato head who can't write, thanks to the TIGF in a uber-bad way electronic signature machine. Anyway, I was treated to something today, something said "hi" to me and it made my day. That is for another post. Until then, GO JAZZ!!!

P.S. I've caught up with responding to your comments to this week's previous posts, including the last TIGF!!! Make sure to go back and read them.


goldennib said...

My signature is long and florid and unreadable. It takes me a long time to sign the UPS man's thingy and then he always needs to ask what is my last name. It pisses him off. He, he.

Are you going to show us your pic?

Crystal said...

i am certain that you look like a very handsome tweaker. :)

btw, funny that our teams are pitted against each other.

GO ROCKETS!!! even though i know they will probably fuck everything up at the last minute like every other houston team.

Clare said...

I am of a mind that no DMV picture of anyone, anywhere, at any time is even remotely close to what that person looks like.

And don't even get me started on the plastic signature pad. All the years, I always wondered why the contestants on Jeopardy had such illegible handwriting...but now we know.

Claire said...

This post was awesome hon.

Gwunteeeeeeeee, indeed!


Karyn said...

I did myself an injury laughing at this one... you Brick... roflmao... I totally want to see this DMV photo...I'll show you mine if you show me yours. ;-)

Jules said...

I always knew there was something strange about you. Pffffft. Can't even sign your name. HAR!

Any chance of you being able to scan in your photo and share it with all of us? I wanna see what you ended up looking like.

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ I am not going to because all I have right now is the temporary, which is black and white. They do things a bit differently now and I will get my real license in the mail.

Crystal~ Yeah, you know what? I do make a handsome tweaker. Oh, and no matter what happens between our two teams I want you to know that I still love you.

Clare~ I think the DMV sends their employees to a special training facility where they learn about the black arts of the ugly way. Yeah, come to think of it Jeopardy just might be responsible for all this evil.

Claire~ I live to make your day.

Karyn~ You can now go forth and call all stupid people "Bricks". I will have to think about the other thing.

Jules~ You already know what I look like and what my signature looks like, so don't be hatin'.

Logophile said...

My most recent license features a pic taken minutes after I aced the practical portion of my motorcycle exam. I was stoked and am grinning like an insane fool. Oddly enough, the helmet hair was not too bad. I think it may be my favorite DMV pic EVAH.
But sig looks like a 5 year old, sigh

chandra919 said...

Sounds like my college id...after being told I didn't need a new picture, I stood in line, late after the first day of classes looking horrible, and it's snap and go time. I have the stupidest grin on my face and im squinting because of the flash and sporting the red eye. Yes, I know what you mean about the electric signing thing..oddness.

Christielli said...

My driver's licence photo turned out OK this year... However, my health card photo is another story.

You'll get the whole stylus thing under control soon, I'm sure.

Princess Banter said...

LOL hilarious! I hate taking photos for stuff that will last quite a while like my driver's license and passports. For some reason, I always look my most horrid in them. For what it's worth, I think whoever invented the stylus should die. What's wrong with the good ol' pen?

paul said...

:) nice one
Luckily in Belgium we get to bring our own picture, but then of course you have to find someone capable of taking a picture that is compliant with the 5253 rules that apply

Photogirl said...

I hate those things too. They never have enough space for my signature. I have a long name.

Jules said...

yeah, but I've never seen you in a hoodie looking like a tweaker!

Scary Monster said...

Me no like them pens. Me gonna wait till they get electronic inkpads then me can leave me pawprint.

The Grunt said...

Logo~ I feel your five-year-old like signature's pain. I have a helmet. My doctor recommends that I wear it daily.

Chandra~ Oh, the horror! It sucks, don't it?

Christielli~ I am confident with your help in the comment box that I will be able to conquer all my problems.

Princess~ Exactly! Why can't I just flick my Bic?

Paul~ Belgium is a mighty cool place to live. I've known some people in my lifetime that hail from there. Some of the rules may suck, but your country is awesome. Thanks for dropping by again. I sometimes get a bit lost when I get new readers. I will stop by soon sometime this week.

Celeste~ And if you invited me to be one of your Facebook friends then I'd know that long name. I'm just messing with ya!

Jules~ Do me a favor and make me a plant pot or a vase. Tee-hee!

SM~ Behold, the power of the STOMP!

Jules said...

Consider it in the mail!!! ;OP