I took the day off of work and puttered around the yard, played my guitar, sang my songs, had a really big hamburger with a Coke and fries, bought some stuff for my guitars, bought some clothes, then had an absolute pleasure of a night seeing Morrissey in concert with someone very cool.
I don't look or feel my age one bit. Most people take me for 25-27. I am a late, late bloomer. Or as I like to say: I suffer from "Dick Clark Disease". I feel miles better about myself at 35 than I ever did at 25 or 30. I am better with women than I ever have been in the past. I'm not talking about sexy stuff. I am talking about interacting with and listening to them. It gets me in trouble from time to time and I have to ask for forgiveness quite often. I sometimes will go further with my flirting than I intend and it can cause problems. Well, sometimes I don't even really know what I want. The thing that is funny is that with some girls that I really like I tend to be real efficient with my language. This isn't always the case, but I have notice it in some instances.
It is a really good feeling to know that I can still get scared (in a good way) when meeting someone. It is a hard feeling when friendships might be in jeopardy because of misunderstandings. I thank God for forgiveness and people's willingness to forgive me for the things that I do. I don't always say what I feel, even though I can express myself deeply. I don't always hear what you really mean when I listen. Sometimes I do what I think is right, contrary to what others feel is best. Sometimes I don't stick to my guns, but I sure as hell am betting on myself from now on.
I don't know what my next year in my life will bring, but I know that I don't have to carry my past around with me anymore. That is a huge relief. I did that for too long and it was totally unnecessary. I feel like I am in a place of humble Zen now. I haven't got my shit together, but the base is strong. I can do much and I can excel in what I do. I don't have to worry about being a bit of a pauper anymore. I have all I need to become a king. I just need to realize it. My faith has come around again and I never thought I'd be feeling this way now. I have that childlike uncertainty and innocence again and am willing to be led by my hand by a willing master, a caring soul, or someone who I might have thought was too good for me before.
I can't do it on my own--not what I need to do, that is. Isolation and a tough facade only brought me isolation and tough times. I was so silly to have harbored my pain, surrounded it with layers of defenses and excuses. If I can be honest about the failures and embarrassments of my life to people that are around me, and "persons of interest", then I think I will be better able to grow past those moments and get on with my life.
I want to give you all a great big hug right now.
4 years ago