Monday, September 04, 2006

Tuesday's Tips for Teens: Featuring Red Foreman

Red Foreman here, dumbass! Why in the hell I let Kitty talk me into this gawdamn thing is beyond me. Well, I'm in no mood to be talking to any dumbasses or commie bastards, either!

You've seen my little girl's, er, Eric's friends: dumbasses! The one thing I can't stand is long hair. Long hair makes me want to vomit on your bullet ridden commie corpse. Why are you so full of holes, dumbass? Because you piss me off, you damn hippy!

The Army shouldn't have let me keep my grease gun, or my M1 carbine for that matter. Eh, my Colt 45, too. Why the hell are all you hippies wanting to take my guns, anyway? Next thing you'll be wanting me to stop eating bacon. That makes me want to put my foot up your ass! That's another thing that having long hair makes me want to do!!!

Oh, another thing, why can't we just give all men crew cuts? This is the hair style that Moses surely would have had if it weren't for those dumbass Egyptians. I can tell you hippies this, there would be no wandering around for forty years in the desert if just one of those dumbasses had a decent haircut!

So, dumbasses, I will personally put my foot up your ass if I catch you growing your hair. Girls, you are excluded from this. But don't dare let me catch you burning your bra *shudder*. Thanks, Gloria--damn commie. I'd put my foot up your ass, but it would slip, and I don't want to go fishing for that wing tip!

Well? Get the hell outta my garage, crimeny!

P.S. Dumbass!!!


Scott said...

Gotta love Red.

Great post.


vera said...

I heart hippies!

Any man with long hair!! (and a bonus with the eyeliner!)

Long Live Hippies!


Clearlykels said...

ha ha- thanks for the laugh. Gotta love someone who can use dumbass so often.

Pokey said...

That was beautiful! Loved it

Jules said...

If only I had lived for more than 4 years in the 70's. :O) This cracked me up, Grunty. Thanks for the laughs.


blog Portland said...

As tough as you may be Red, I think we all know that Clarence Boddicker could beat your ass any day of the week.

Logophile said...

Feel the love!
but don't leave smeary fingerprints on it, dumbass!

Christielli said...

I can't even get my friends to guest post on my blog, and you get Red Forman. Yeesh.

Chris said...

Dyckerson, is that you?

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I could totally hear Red's voice while I was reading the post. LOL!

Jules said...

Grunty - I forgot to say thanks for linking me.


Ernie said...

U are my H-E-R-O!

Moderator said...

I am the oldest person commenting. Again. One kid on here lived only 4 years in the 70s.

Wait, maybe I am Red Foreman ... only a scientist.

Nah, not possible. I can do way better than Kitty. I bet I could even get Mrs. Cunningham.

The Grunt said...

How can I respond to all your comments? With this: I will make this a weekly feature. Other characters will be stopping by as well, but Red Foreman will come by often.

Moderator, you're not that old. Plus, I hear that Mrs. Cunningham just gives it out on a platter to scientists. She hates mathematicians.

Moderator said...

Well, my birthday is this weekend. Since we start counting with 1 and not 0 I am not really in my 40s until this Sunday.

So put the word out to all of your chat twinkies to post a comment to make me feel better.

I still look fantastic, of course, but at some point I will need Botox ... and look how silly it made Katie Couric appear.

LindzyPinzy said...

where did my comment go???????this happened to me on celeste's blog too! anyway

thanks for the laugh as always!