Sunday, September 24, 2006

Tonight's Mood

Is the title of this painting...

No, it isn't "Tonight's Mood". Keep guessing. It's one of Salvador Dali's.

Some more randomness.

I have been thinking a lot about a childhood TV friend of mine: Casper the Friendly Ghost. How did he die? I have got it in my head that he had no friends as a kid, and was really sad about it. He went to a wishing well one day and tried to wish that he could have a friend. Instead of having his wish come true he accidentally fell in and died.

He, in fact, was cursed. Think about it. He has had to roam the earth, dead, looking for companionship. At the end of each episode he makes a friend only to find himself friendless in the next episode. He is still depressed, but can't kill himself because he's already dead. How cruel of an afterlife is that? I can't think of a more tragic existence. But he was always willing to keep on trying and getting hurt, just to have one more shot of finding someone to be his friend.

I dug out my very first guitar. It is an old Yamaha classical with a solid spruce top and rosewood back, neck, fret board, and sides. A pretty nice old guitar, getting on to about 26 years. I am the third owner and played the hell out of the thing in the late eighties--a super young kid with visions of becoming the next Jimmy Page or Eddie Van Halen. Yeah, I didn't quite develop those abilities. I am good, real good, though. I just am not that kind of player. I am not a juke box. I will hardly play anything by anyone else. I don't see the point. I didn't get into guitar playing to play other people's music. I got into it to make my own, and I do it well.

Some of you already know this, and I am working hard on my music once more. I see my years and know that any window that is left is open but a crack. I have been on a tear lately--almost mad. These songs have been coming out of thin air, seemingly, and someone here, someone that I just recently started communication with, has encouraged me to see a music publisher. I respect her opinion and am on that journey. To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing. Wish me luck.

I'm, at the moment, supposed to be compiling my demos for someone and as soon as I got that underway the transmissions came: Write this song, NOW!!! Oh God, thanks. I am honored for this gift, but people are depending on me to....Write this song now, OR ELSE!!! Oh, screw it. Okay, I am not getting dressed and am now holding my guitar, what? *Transmission* Holy crap! This is amazing stuff. My voice is literally dripping out onto my strings.

I can see now why certain things are the way they are in my life. I am subject to something that demands my attention. Everything that I think I can have, or want to have, slips away from me and it seems to be some cruel formula for inspiration. Hey, whatever, so long as I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor someday.

Speaking of inspiration, I have tried a time or two to express this magical feeling to those who inspire me. It usually just weirds the heck out of them and I should know better by now just how overwhelming some statements of such candid sincerity can be. Yeah, I should know better by now, but it nearly kills me to stay mute. So, bollocks to being cool. I fly my dork flag high and proud. I'd rather be honest than look good in insincerity and pretense. This will probably ensure my life dancing outside the velvet rope, but at least I can still dance. I'd much rather dance in the alley, or in the streets in bare feet. Isn't the best club whatever isn't happening inside a funhouse of vapid souls? I dig life.

Back to what I was thinking of before, I often wonder if it gets lost on them in time, my impression. Do I fade away just like everyone else? I'd like to think I'm different, but that is a pretty arrogant way of seeing oneself. Although arrogant, it might be what motivates me, so I won't mess with it. If I am forgotten, then I must have been replaced by something good, I hope. It would make me feel better to know that what is left of me has become part of their collage of happiness. Although somewhat lost, I am still there somewhere.

See, I was going through my voice mail the other day. I don't get many calls, but I did have someone call me while I was unable to answer and they left a voice message. Well, my voice mail was making me listen to messages that I had not erased yet. I had a real hard time erasing one because I feel like it might be the last time I will hear that voice that way ever again. It really troubled me to erase this. I forgot it was there and I had to listen to it about three times before I thought: Wouldn't it be much better to just have the messages fade a bit, and not leave you entirely?

Why can't some messages be like my thoughts and feelings? But, I needed to make room, and erased it. I admit that I felt sad afterward. Is this normal? Sheesh, I don't even want to know anymore. But then again, my thoughts and feelings don't fade away much, especially when it comes to those people who inspire me. I am left with a cacophony of longing and muse.

Again: Do I fade away just like everyone else?

18 comments:

vera said...

"But, I needed to make room, and erased it."
Wow.
/Vera

Karyn said...

Dude, no. You do not fade away like everyone else. Definitely different.

Wishing you all warm fuzzy happiness on the music publishing thing.

Jimmy Page. Yum.
Guitarists in general. Yum.
Caspar bugged the crap out of me.
Why should the afterlife be less cruel than the duringlife? I mean, I think it is a pretty groovy place but it escapes me why you have to buy the farm before you get to enjoy it.

Dali is not my favorite. Is the title, "Did one of those lute playing fuckers steal my wooden right eye, yarr?"?

Grunt, you rock. In through the nose, out through the mouth. All things in their time.

The Grunt said...

Thanks, you two. Since I have been going back to long mondo posts, it has been interesting to see who is sticking with me.

Vera~ It's not like that, but I guess the way I worded it sounded harsh.

Karyn~ Yeah, I grew out of Casper around fivish. HAHAHA! I like your title for the painting. Thanks for your kind, inspiring words.

By the way, I was woken up about 4am last night to a pinging sound, then BANG! That old guitar didn't like what I had done to it last night, heh-heh. So, new strings are in order. I only buy pure silver wound for this type of guitar. A bit expensive, but well worth the tone. My three other working guitars are all being jealous bitches right now. My twelve string is still in it's coffin and is all Humpty Dumpty and shit.

Scott said...

Great news that you are writing like crazy! That is very cool... u ever going to do a music post??

Scott

vera said...

Grunty...
Nah, dude. You misread me. I didn't think it sounded harsh at all. More like a revelation than anything. Maybe a revelation you haven't quite revealed to yourself, or maybe you have. Either way, you know I got your back, guy.
/V

Egan said...

Dammit, Google swallowed my comment. The voicemail thing is tough. I probably would have saved the comment because a voice means so much to me. That's a personal story for another day though.

I never put much thought into Casper, but now you have me thinking.

Crystal said...

duh, grunt. he was hydrocephalic.

Crystal said...

who could forget you??

and you should TOTALLY do a music post. born again virgin. definitely.

Logophile said...

Casper, huh?
The time period when I might have had some interest in him was during my media blackout period, so I have no insight into that.
As for you,
you are like a kickass Mexican meal, the flavor and burn hang on for quite a while.

Sun Follower said...

Do we all fade away...? Well, having just gone to Disneyland I wondered that myself as I saw the animatronic Johnny Depp in the Pirates ride... will he be immortalized this way forever, never to fade away? The physical presence of people may fade... but the impressions they make on us stay intact.

As for Casper - that was the second Halloween costume I remember wearing as a kid. I got a mustard stain on it from the hot dog I ate at a neighbor kid's party. Casper wasn't my favorite cartoon by any means, but I guess I thought he was the perfect mix of cute and scary... still, he is a sad little ghost now that you mention it.

P.S. the voicemail thing... I've done it too, and even with e-mails. Kinda sad to erase them - but you are indeed clearing space.

Sun Follower said...

Speaking of fading away... just saw animatronic Johnny Depp at Disneyland on Pirates ride... wil he be immortalized forever there between yo-ho's and fake cannon fire? I think hwever people's physical presnece may fade, the impressons they leave you stay intact for a lifetime.

Capser was my second Halloween costume ever - I got a mustard stain on it eating a hot dog at Ernie Dagel's Halloween party.

I save voicemails and e-mails for the very reasons you do... and though it's sad when you finally erase them, it does in fact free up used emotional space.

LindzyPinzy said...

I love Dali's painting:)
Pooor casper he did have a pretty shite deal. he's sooo cute I forgot about that cartoon.
Good luck with your music I would love to hear some of it. Your first guitar is the same age as me! and no Im not trying to make you feel old just an observation

anywho loved the deep post. and I like your long posts

Christielli said...

Re: Casper. Lisa Simpson hypothesizes that he's the ghost of Richie Rich in the episode "Three Men and a Comic Book."

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Nope, that painting certainly doesn't depict my mood tonight.

Maybe we can all learn something from Casper's willingness to reach out despite the fact that he always gets hurt. Then again...maybe not. After all, as you pointed out, he always finds himself alone in the next episode. Vicious cycle it is.

I think we are all happy for you that you have found yourself busy in your music again and bobbing around in this whole sea of inspiration. Keep riding it out. I am sure that the someone you are compiling your demos for--even though probably very excited about hearing your stuff--will be more than happy to wait while you take advantage of turning this inspiration into music.

I hope that it is normal to feel sad about erasing a voice mail message of someone's voice that you don't feel you will hear that way again, because I felt very sad about the same thing a couple of weeks ago. Hell, I was even sad erasing their text message, too.

Will you fade away like everyone else? I don't think so. At least not to those that YOU have inspired. And there appears to be many. :)

goldennib said...

I am glad you are writing like crazy and have a publishing lead.

You are definitely memorable. In a good way.

Just because people don't respond to us doesn't mean they don't think about us. Sometimes, for unknown reasons, they can't.

I love Dali. He was wacky. How can you be melancholy if you are writing and playing?

Casper needs Jennifer Love Hewitt.

markis said...

hmmm, i wonder who that was (this in-courager)

thanks for sharing this your music post and keep on composing these beautiful vibrations my friend, my pacinian corpuscles feel ya.

Jules said...

Grunty - you know I'll always love you. You'll never fade away. We are tight, yo! But it brings up an interesting point which is: it always takes two people to stay in the game. If one person decides to become stagnant, is it up to the other person to remind them of how much the friendship meant? Or does the other person just allow the fog to settle in? Do relationships fade because they just need a break so that when it's revived, it's twice as sweet? I dunno.

And you know how great you are with your muzzak! You just remember, you promised me a backstage pass and a copy of your first hit single. And I'm not joking around! :O)

The Grunt said...

Scott~ Thanks! I am working on the details on doing a music post.

Vera~ Good to have my back got, but it is hurting right now. Work sux!

Egan~ Yeah, I too love voice. I just hope to allow for more voices, and hopefully this one will be back in a way that is new and better than ever. This is how I choose to look at it. You have to allow the past to roam where it wants, and prepare for the future. Plus, I don't see it as past, just a section of this person's involvment with me. I suspect that I will still have many more conversations with this person.

Chica~ That is an interesting theory. I will look into that, funneh girl. Your request is one that I like as well--one of my favorite songs that I've done. Hope you still enjoy what I gave you.

Logo~ The question I have for you is, am I chile verde or chile Colorado? I hope I can be both.

Sun~ My favorite cosume was a storm trooper one that I had when I was six. I was a little dissapointed when it really wasn't a true storm trooper armor suit. That's what I thought it would be. Funny about Johnny Depp in Dizzy Land.

Lindzy~ Thanks! No matter how much talent I have, or how big I might get, I will always need support like yours. I can't do this on fumes. You guys give me gas. Wait, that did not sound right.

Christielli~ I can always count on you to bring up The Simpsons. I love that, because it is my favorite show.

O-Girl~ Sometimes the antici................. .....................pation is the best part.

Nessa~ You are the WINNER!!! Yes folks, Nessa got it right. The title of the painting is "Melancholy". I was in a melancholy mood last night and I used it to fuel my art. Thanks, Nessa, for being here for me. You were in my thoughts--I was wondering where you were, you know.

Markis~ Leave it to an Italian to bust out the sensory nerve named after an Italian scientist. I will continue with the good vibes, Markis. No doubt about it.

Jules~ I promise that sort of thing to all the womens:P Just keeding. I did offer one girl the chance to sit on my amp once. So, there's that to look forward as an upgrade. I have many amps, so don't get all catty if I've already reserved one.

The "Little Bastard" is one hell of a vibrating devil!

Girls~ The rules for getting to sit on my amplifier is that you must not have a boyfriend and if you do, he must watch as I distract you permenantly from him for all time and eternity thereafter, bwahahahahahaha!!! If you are married, then your husband can hit the fuzz box and booster at his discretion. The Octavia provides great harmonic oscillation, btw. Makes you go all "Oooooooh! Ahhhhhh!"