Monday, September 18, 2006

Tuesday's Tips for Teens: Brought to you by John the Evil Janitor

John the Evil Janitor is a creation of Seth Michael Forman, a painting from his "American Histories: Life in Exile". As you can see, John the Evil Janitor is engaged in a little Duncan Yo-Yo with a white mouse that he copped from Miss Jenkins' science class. At the moment he is getting the mouse to "walk the dog" and will try to follow with a "shoot the moon". While he is entertaining us with his little show, he has agreed to give us some free-form advice on adolescence. Uh, I hope.

John here, and I don't need anybody getting up to goes to the bathrooms. Where yous are is just the a-the-okay. Just never no minds the neighbor with their judging eyes. Life: yous gotta just piss where yous are and leave it for someone elses to clean ups. That's what they teach yas kids. No ones knows hows to clean up there own damn messes. Hows the dickens yous going to get away with evil doings if yo cleaning skills ain't up to snuff? Hell, yous gotta get dirty.

Sure as that awful smell comes with every dead body, you better get on top of that...not that I know anythings about no dead bodies. Naw, sometimes a kid comes at yous in lunch and takes yous for a fool by tripping yous in front of the cheerleaders. This is time for yous to plan yo evil back at em. So, yous make a mess when theys brakes go out down the fifths street intersection. Yous forgot to cleans up those damn prints. Foolish fool, yous! Wipe those prints off.

They is not the only ways not to get caught: Yous got to eliminates the possibilities! Damn, see now, teens, we's got witnesses and ones even with eyes. Be carefuls now. Do this with those smart muscles and no clean ups be needed a-tall.

Waits there a sec, I gotta rock the baby for yous....Hey, Micey, you stop damn squeaks in the middle bit. I can tells yous a nervous now. Pow! Sees that there? If yous do that trick right, the mouse goes ta sleep. Well, he there just asleepin'. I put hims in my pocket. Snug and no's moving now, yous hear me? Good Micey!

Yous all see my eyes o' concentratin'? Hey, theys what yous gotta have if yous gotta get those "eyes" blinded, hear? Yous gotta see thems before theys a sees you. If they done spy yous, that's when yous gotta cleans up. I am the masters of subtlety in my threats. Yous say to them, "The hell you want with knowledge when yous got brains on the flo?" I'm usually holding somes kine of heavy tools when I says that to Mr. Kowolski. I knows he listens 'cause he ain't yets gone and tolds Principal Goldberg about my wank tank. He neithers pay no minds when he's caught me filling up Miss Jenkin's Volvo with the high test, if yous got my drifts. That's what's known as self cleaning. You put the fears in them and no one's gonna do yous in the ass. Man, theys no idea what you up to when you dangle Micey from a string. They alls think I crazy. I get aways with tons o' shit.

Peoples think yous crazy, but yous clean. What theys do? Nothings. I am wheres I am today because I shoots the moon with Micey, and I's clean. I knows because I's done made sure myself. Now watch me takes Micey for the triple loops stall and walks. Micey? Yous still asleep?


Logophile said...

Note to self~ "Never allow Grunty or John to speak to the Things."
Got it, thanks!

Clearlykels said...

Poor Micey. Poor, poor Micey.

The Grunt said...

Somehow, I don't think I'll get many comments on this one.

Kels, Logo, thanks for enduring the weirdness.

vera said...

damage done.

Jules said...

ummm, Grunty, do you still need to catch up on your sleep?


goldennib said...

You're scaring me, you are really scaring me and I'm not sayin' in a good way.

He needs a flower in his cap.

Photogirl said...

what the hell kind of painting is that?! disturbing, that's what!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Awww. Poor lil Micey! Micey actually looks more like a chihuahua to me.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Or however you spell the Taco Bell dog's name?????

cash said...

It's a little creepy how you portray these characters so effectively each week.

The Grunt said...

Vera~ Yeah, don't I know it.

Jules~ I do. I was up with bad migranes the night prior. I didn't get a whole lot last night either.

Nessa~ It is just an exercise in creating an extreme fictional character. I am just well versed in disturbing things. This does not a disturbed person make! I studied abnormal psychology and once worked at McDonalds. This is experience enough, I feel.

O-Girl~ I can't remember the name, but it sure does look more like a tiny dog the closer I look at it.

Celeste~ You should see this guy's other paintings. You'll start to get super creeped out and check your locks about fifty times afterwards.

Cash~ It is the same way you can figure out physics and all that mysterious stuff. I just am more into human oddities.

The Hitcher said...

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!