Sunday, September 03, 2006

Our emotions: Courtesy of "The Jerk"

While one might consider this more of a personality trait, let's just say nuts to that. See how each party here is determined to do opposing things? The moral of the story is to be bigger and stronger than your companions or foes. But if you find that you are just smaller and can't help it, out determine your supposed master until they give in and give you a "doggie" treat. I think one method that seems to do the trick is to be an asshole, or a total bitch. If those don't work, try a little passive aggression. Yeah, in short, anti-social behavior just gets re-categorized as determination and will, if you are the victor. Remember that one, kiddies: You just might find yourself leading a major superpower or corporation in the future.

Loneliness and depression:
Sometimes life is just too much for us and we feel like running away from our troubles. But sometimes, it is more of a matter that we are trying and life just has a way of making you feel like it's out to get you something fierce. It's always good to persuade someone to come along with you. If you can't do that, get a pet. They seem to depend on you for their food, so they will stick around and make you feel loved. It may be a relationship of necessity for the pet, but you paid for them. Yeah, sit that dog/cat/fish/alligator down and tell them outright, "I own you, ain't ta goin' nowheres, bwahahahaha!"
Hey sometimes good things just happen to you. Why fight it? Let your head spin a few times. Don't worry, they have doctors that can fix that sort of thing. Besides, if you look this excited people will start to wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. After they give up trying to figure out what in the hell you're so happy for, they will give into peer pressure and start wetting their pants in total glee.

Shit yeah, it could happen! Try it out: go to a supermarket or a bank and start smiling like you just got hit with the news that your lotto ticket was a winner. Start exclaiming stuff like, "Oh, my gosh! Oh, my lord! What a wonderful day it is today! Oh, I love your shoes!!! Did some kind of magical shoe making elf do those for you? Oh, could this day get any better? What? What's that you say? They are giving out free samples of Hot Pockets? Thank you Oprah! Thank you Jesus! I am on top of the friggin' world!!!"

I'm not done with this theme. I still need to provide the Rx. More to come in the future, kids.


Jules said...

HEY! How did you know about the magical shoe making elf??


Jules said...

P.S. I'm not even sure I can distort my face into making it look THAT animated... I'm gonna go take pictures of myself right now and see if I can capture success.


Logophile said...

I don't want any hot pockets, eow!
And my shoes were made my tiny asians, get with it, would you?

Anonymous said...

that's why i own, i mean 'have,' 2 very hairy curb the depression. busted once again.

you is smart.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

When I got my cat Lucy I told her "You ain't goin' NOwhere because you LOVE me, understand?"

Maybe others view it as a relationship out of necessity for the cat, but I think she listened.

Wait..where IS that damn cat?

Photogirl said...

I love dogs. They are the bestest of friends because they will never talk back to you, they won't leave you when you're sad to go out drinking with their friends, they won't tell you that you look fat in that dress. haha. no one ever told me that either, but I know for sure that a dog wouldn't.

blog Portland said...

But above all else, keep your phone number unpublished.

Blogging for scraps... said...

It's so funny that if I smile at people where I'm from they think I am honestly retarded. The grimace is the normal state of facial expression closely followed by the vinegar strokes.

LindzyPinzy said...


The Grunt said...

Jules~ The Magical Shoemaking Elf is for real. You just have to believe and your Payless will turn to Prada.

Logo~ Maybe Hot Pockets are tiny Asians. This would explain why my shoes smell like pepperoni pizza.

Guggs~ I've seen pics of your hairy kids. Boy, you have good genes!

O-Girl~ Your cat has wandered into Atlanta looking for trouble. See, you have to lay down the law with your "children" or they'll just act like they can do what they want.

Celeste~ Of course, your dog is smart enough to leave the room when it lets one fly. We're talking epic quality, aren't we Celeste?

Blog Portland~ This is a good idea. Remember, it ain't the cans he's after! 50 points goes to Blog Portland for his proficiency in "The Jerk" references. I do not kid around when it comes to this movie, folks.

Scraps~ I've lived in your blessed country. Yeah, I admit, it was nice to take a break from having emotions.

Lindzy~ Your evil laugh tells me you've got out your video camera and are doing an adaptation of "My Dinner With Andre" using your cat and labrador retriever in the lead roles. There's nothing wrong with that people. That's just freakin' awesome entertainment!

vera said...

Your comment to Guggs is ever so ambiguous...

Sun Follower said...

"I believe! I believe! I beleive" Clap clap clap! There you go - trouble out - elation in.