Friday, September 08, 2006

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Motivational Gayitude!

Really? I have lots of doubts throughout the course of the day, folks. I really should be getting more, if you know what I mean. "Real Skills for Real Life", so you slip them the pickle and then get your promotion! See how real life works, kiddies?

I wish I were joking on this one, but I'm not. I had to go through this whole freakin' motivational seminar where this old dude kept telling us to "Just give them the pickle!" He is supposedly some kind of big time restauranteer in Washington. He was alright, but of course he's getting paid pretty good to talk about this stuff. It just is way too much to stomach when every staff meeting you have after this we have to talk about how we "gave" out pickles for this month. I thought I was funneh and started using the phrase, "Slipping the pickle", and believe it or not, my boss did not catch on! So, I get paid to slip people the pickle now. Sometimes it is not that great, but sometimes it is pretty freaking awesome. It's dill, btw.

I wonder how many of you I've already given the "slip" to? How many will I? I'm on a cloud right now thinking about it, and that cloud is Temperpedic! I am not responsible for any ill side effects or swelling, ok? Heh, lawyer shit, you know?

I want to hear your work motivational seminar horror stories: posters, meetings, and conversations can count.


Melliferous Pants said...

There is no way I could sit through a pickle themed motivational seminar without standing up and screaming wiener, wiener, WIENER! Then I'd blame it on Tourrete's.

Scott said...

That sounds like a great motivational speaker. I have not been privy to one yet... thank goodness.

In the British office there is a great scene with Ricky Gervais as a motivational speaker... very very funny.


vera said...

In motivational speeches/seminars I am too busy drawing obscene and often violent-death sketches of the presenter... We've had "colour bands" done in a group interactive seminar once. I was told I was "borderline"... This made me laugh heartily and made the facilitator laugh nervously. Sometimss it's way too easy.

Ernie said...

Ok, ok, back the truck up for just a minute. What line of work are you in?... Cause here in Canada we would send you to the red light district to "slip the pickle" and get paid for it. I do hear that is quite a lucrative profession however. I always told myself that if this whole interior design career doesn't work out for me, I would like to open a very high class whore house. I could design theme rooms and be the Madame and take care of all of the girls. What is it they say..."Sex sells" Hmmm, just the entrepreneur in me doing some thinking. Maybe this is blog material...Stay tuned.

Jules said...

I have to say, Ernie, that's the first thing that came to my mind too. Maybe it's IS a Canadian thing.

I haven't been to a motivational seminar either, but plenty of work related professional development ones. One time I managed to sleep through 3/4 of one (the night before was the last time I've been drunk) and either the boss was sleeping too, or she didn't care.


Karyn said...

I'm with Jules & Ernie. Maybe the Pickle Tickle is not the same as being slipped the pickle. Either way, what the HELL are you talking about?

About ten years ago, my entire department was so effed up in every possible dynamic imaginable that we had to contact the EAP and go to THERAPY every Thursday in lieu of our usual Staff Meeting. Seriously. Therapy. Like, Gestaalt Therapy where you sit in a circle and talk about your feelings and conflicts and discuss "safe zones" and shit like that.


LindzyPinzy said...

yah what is it exactly that you do??? I don't have any stories unfortunatly i haven't been to much in the way of motivational speaking

blog Portland said...

I once sat through a series of motivational seminars entitled "Have Sex With Everything That Moves." Surprisingly, it was rip-off.

goldennib said...

I prefer Sweet n Sour, baby.

What do those slices mean? That kind of worries me.

I hate motivational speakers. People don't look at me when we have group meetings because I'm the one that makes side comments and faces when the big smagiggies aren't looking.

Huge waste of money.

I'm going to work Monday and give somone a pickle just to see what I get in return.

Mayden's Voyage said...

We had a motivational speaker tell us once that if we did not love what we did (helping patients at the hospital) that we were bascially "prostituting" ourselves for a paycheck.

I left feeling so good about myself!
I went straight home and ordered Eddie Murphys "How to be a Ho'" by Velvet Jones.
:) It was a great year for me :P

Mayden's Voyage said...

Oh- hey...that story is in keeping with the whole pickle thing! LOL!

(PS- the story is true, but not the Eddie Murphy part- I didn't have to order it, I already had it on video tape :) lol

The Grunt said...

Pants~ You blame everything on Tourettes. In fact, Tourettes is the reason my hair won't stay down today. Damn, Tourettes! Heh, you said wiener.

Scott~ Good call. The Brit Office was soooo damn funny. Why'd they stop it?

Vera~ I knew there was a reason I allow you to video tape me eating macaroni salad in my bunny costume. Yes, without a reason I would not allow this.

Ernie~ Sounds like someone is going for Niolk's blogger of the month award. You'd get it too, with that material. You know I'm never going to reveal my current line of work and under the table stuff on here--just past jobs. Interior design sounds fun. Seriously, I could get into that kind of thing.


Jules~ I wish my boss didn't care, but my boss can't think for herself, so we have these shysters do the thinking for us.

Karyn~ Slipping the pickle is giving good customer service or whatever trade you do. In this case, this guy had a customer write to him about how he didn't get the extra pickles on his burger that he wanted. See? That takes all the fun out of it when you have to explain it all, so I just pretend I'm sliding that pickle in a naughty, offending, or painful place. That makes my day much, much, brighter.

Lindzy~ Okay, just this once I'll tell: I am a dog washer washer. That's right, I wash the dog washers--the person and the tub. They have to get clean somehow, and it is my job to maker sure it gets done. I sometimes will brush their hair and do their nails as well. This is a bit far to go for a joke, isn't it?

JJ~ So, you're saying you want your money back, is this right? Sorry man, there are no refunds!

Goldie~ As far as euphamisms go, I'm a Kosher Dill. I actually like those type of pickles, too. Sweet 'n' Sour are good as well. I think the slices are for slipping someone the "Bobbit". You've scored big points with me in declaring your hatred for motivational speakers. I think that will be my next profession, though, Laughing Out Loud and Rolling on the Floor, Getting Rug Burns While the Neighbors Call the Cops On Me! I guess I could have just done this: LOLROTNGRBWTNCTCOM!

Mayden~ So, does it really pay well, this gig? Sorry, you mentioned prostitutes and video tape. That tends to distract and excite me.

Photogirl said...

That guy must have been scraping the barrel to have come up with a motivational seminar that is all about "giving them the pickle."

LindzyPinzy said...

this all makes alittle more sense and has become quite humerous the more I think of it