Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tuesday's Tips for Teens: Featuring Bob's "Big Boy's" dietary advice

Hello there teens. I have been away from some locations for a long time. Seems like I give out a bad image, but there is nothing wrong with being big boned. In fact, it can be adorable. Here are my recommendations for getting that sexy robust look.

  1. Use pig fat as toothpaste. It smells like pig fat, and tastes great too! Who could resist that? Do I make you wet?
  2. Put cheese slices in your underwear for fun. How does this help? Who cares! Yuhyee-yah!!!
  3. Double cream milkshakes between meals, throughout the night, and on your morning cereal. It is fuktastique!
  4. Get your mother to deep fry everything and cover it in mayonnaise and peanut butter. This is a great way to kill off pops and get his car!
  5. Say a little prayer to God, asking him to give you that rolly polly holly butternut goodness. See, God has a soft spot in his vengeful heart for chubby kids. Remember, Jesus once said, "Suffer the little children, and give the fat ones more ice cream!"
  6. Steak sandwich smoothies with whipped custard and potato skins. Can you feel your heart straining? That's a good sign. Keep going!
  7. Take a whole loaf of bread and fill it with hard boiled eggs, giblets, bacon, and ranch dressing. Fry it, and then cover it in maple syrup. You will start to see little owls and cats talking to each other about pigs and shit. Take a hit off the old bong tree when you're done. It will help you start the cycle all over again.
  8. Sausage casings. You know, people don't know just how good the casings can be. I like to make peanut butter and jelly sausages too. I am in league with Lucifer! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
  9. Throat exercises. You can stuff more sausage into your mouth this way. What?
  10. Lard 'n' Cheddar. You can spread the lard on the brick of cheese, stuff the brick of cheese with the lard, or take the whole wheel and deep fry it. Me, I just like to freebase it. Oh yeah, cheddar flavored bubblegum. That's one from our friend Grunt. That invention almost got him some sweet, sweet ass....In fact, he had to be put in traction for months from trying to fly off of his roof like Superman, he got so excited at the prospect. He was all, "Hey Mr. Big Boy, check this shit out. I'm about two hours away from flying onto a landing strip 'o' goodtimes--aw hell yee-yah. Wheeeeeeee, splat!" Heh-heh, when will he ever learn? Silly boy. Like the Trix Rabbit, he is. Like Jackie Mason, I talk!

(Brought to you in fast food orange!)


goldennib said...

I think I just became bulimic.

I will be reading this over and over as a new diet aid. Thanks.

Jules said...

LOL! So true Golden... but I like the prospects #9 delivers. teehee

Karyn said...


Yeah. Sorry, but I will concur with Golden on this one:

Big ew.

Karyn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Clearlykels said...

So, I got distracted once you said milkshake-- I could really go for one right now.

Sun Follower said...

Man! And I USED TO love Bob's Big Boy!

Egan said...

It sounds like you're saying fast food is bad for you. Is that the point you hope to make?

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Yeah...I will be using this as a diet aid as well. Well, minus #3 because milkshakes and ice cream are my weakness.

In fact my favorite flavor of ice cream is back at Bruster's right across the street--pumpkin cheesecake. And in fact, it is actually about the color of your fast food orange post....Damn you, man and all your subliminal messages! You have just ruined my diet!

goldennib said...

I love ice cream. I could go for a Mr. Softie Vanilla Cone. Where's the ice cream truck when you need it?

The Grunt said...

Nessa~ Yes, it is the gross out diet plan. You do get to have ice cream, so all is well.

Jules~ Quit making me blush!

Karyn~ Anything I can do to help the nation become healthier, I'll do.

Kels~ I'm buying!

Sun~ Sorry! Well, you pay no mind to my post then and think of the good times you had at Bob's as a kid. I'm not talking about your creepy uncle Bob, either.

Egan~ I'm afraid my point for "Tuesdays Tips for Teens" is that bad advice is entertaining. I also find teen magazines to be hilarious. I know this isn't lost on you. You're just bustin' my walnuts:P I encourage that behavior. I like things roasted.

O-girl~ You are too skinny to be talking like that.

Ice cream for everybody!!!

Logophile said...

double cream milkshake,
me so happy.