Saturday, June 17, 2006

Oh, the agony!

Is it too much to ask, God, to not strike me down with an intense, and acute, bowel affliction when I meet a cute girl who stops to talk to me on the street? Is it? You know I'm in need, so why Jesus, why? Stop laughing at me! Do you think that this makes me want to go to heaven now, do you? I can't fly like Superman to visit cool girls in far off lands, and now I am being cursed in my own providence, my supposed Zion? What is that saying: "A prophet is never appreciated in his own land"? Eff dis sheeit! I need to do a world tour and get Immonium AD to sponser me. Seriously!

10 comments:

Logophile said...

Too much cardboard crust with lava?

The Grunt said...

A freakin' day of Chilean food and BBQ. That'll do it. Maybe I'll just wear Depends undergarments and do a "Ruprecht", ala "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels".

You know, if it's not the explosive trots it's another thing. What's a good looking guy like me got to do to get some? I wish I could allow myself to be really amoral for a day. I think I could be a better whore that way. Damn these chivalrous and highly moral feelings! I need the help of a good dictator, pimp, and the infamous Genghis Kahn. This is what happens when I'm told to be good and wholesome my whole life. Fetch! You know, this wasn't even the only instance. I had had a trail on the best looking woman today and screwed the pooch on that one too. Shit almighty! What is wrong with me? I'm going to stop now before I start to cry, seriously.

Suze said...

Maybe you need to eat more eggs and chill a little. Nothing is more detectable to a girl than desperation. Take it easy.

vera said...

Poor Grunt Man!
Maybe you should just skip the bowel all together and go for the bag?
Saves you a lot of the "pardon me" "excuse me" moments. You'll never skip a beat, man.
V

The Grunt said...

Thanks for your condolences.

Suze~My problem is not that I show desparation, it's that I am rather aloof and unresponsive, because I know exactly what you're talking about. The internet is the only place that I've really let any desparation show. Most girls probably think that I don't like them at all.

BTW, this wasn't the only bad thing that happened yesterday, but fortunately I did have a good time hanging out with my best friend. I really don't know what I'd do without my last little drop from my old gang.

Chief Scientist said...

Grunt, be a scientist. I swear, we are swimming in pussy. Ask any of us.

The Grunt said...

Is psychology still considered a psuedo science? Because that's where I was headed at one point. I'm having a real weird weekend is all. I just had it in my face and it frustrated the hell out of me. Frustration! It's either too far away or yanked away from me. It's like some tortuous carnival game. I think that I'm going to castrate myself and live up in the hills--lol. No, I will just rise up and quit pitying myself.

Crystal said...

maybe you got the runs because God wanted you to hurry the hell up and ask for her number.

he is a funny funny thing - that God.

The Grunt said...

I never looked at it that way, Crystal: Flaming poopies as a blessing. It just doesn't put you in the mood. Maybe he was saving me from heartbreak?

Crystal said...

or, maybe she was into that sort of thing and you could have told her and she would have been down (or at least understood).

see? when are you going to just admit it? crystal knows everything.