Monday, June 19, 2006

You likey the changing title?

I think that it is fitting. I'm so willing to give and give--just like a damn Pez dispenser. No need to refill me, because I just pull this shit out of my ass...er, the neck lifts up and candy comes out--yeah! Need advice? Well, pull your ass up to the bar and I'll lend you my ear. It won't cost a damn thing, too. Why? Because I am so willing to give and not receive. This is what Jesus taught me many years ago while I sold vacuum cleaners for Him. So, I wander the earth bringing good times and giving out happiness, because we all know that someone has to do it. I leave towns shinier and healthier, households are strengthened, and dogs no longer poop behind the couch--all from my message of how Hoover brand vacuum cleaners are the preferred vacuum of Christ Jesus! Nope, I don't need anything in return because I'm good...my life is goooooood!

God blesses me with riches. I have bundles of treasure stowed away in a pirate's cave, or so I'm told (can't trust some accountants). We all know that material wealth--riches--are slippery. This is why I started my own 401k and savings plan in Heaven. No, I don't need real money, gosh. Why in the heck would I need that? God blesses me in return for eschewing such dross things. He even lets me talk to girls! Boy, and if I am really good, I get to peck them on the cheek!!! The bordello in Reno was just a one time deal. He understood. In recompense, I like saved an old lady from choking on a new born kitten, while we were crossing the road. Did I mention that I also baptized her at the YMCA afterwards? Yep! I even sold her a brand new Hoover Convertible, too.

Ahh, life is good being righteous. Believing in Christ Jesus has really blessed me. Dare I say it? Yes I will: I've got front row seats to the next roller derby in heaven! Shit yeah!!! Oops, well, they just took them away, darn it.

You know what sustains a guy who has everything, like me? The Bible (King James Version 2.0). Heck, who needs to have carnal reciprocation when the Holy Spirit climbs into bed with you every night, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and burning your bosom? That is so hot! It keeps me from jerking off--that and high tensile steel handcuffs to the bed posts.

Yes, this is the life that sailors only dream of. I just need one thing: the companionship of Old Black, my Grandad's bible. It was my prom date, and my first real girlfriend. It never gets shoved into the glove box. It rides shotgun, always. Why, you should see how jealous girls get of Old Black when I tell them that they have to sit on the wheel well out back in the bed of my truck. I take arms length to new horizons, yo! Yes, Godboy never has hurt feelings or a bruised ego, because I'm fortified with eleven psalms and spices--keeps the hookers from afflicting me with their vile STD's: I call it conversion by immaculate solicitation. I'm so holy, it isn't even funny--like 100% holy and all that jazz. If you touch my magic leisure robe--pull on the waist rope--you'll be cured of most diseases, even both types of herpes.

Well, I hope that my candy is sweet and that you'll be back. Sometimes my candy is a bit overwhelming to some and they have to go and taste of the bitter dregs once more, just to come back down to earth again. I'm sorry that this is necessary, it is the price I pay for being so good--my life is goooood!!! Shit yeah!!!!!!!!! Sorry J, I'll repent tonight after I get done with the handcuffs.

6 comments:

Logophile said...

Man, that much holiness wore me all out, I am gonna have to smoke or drink or something.

Scott said...

LMAO Grunt. Brilliant post and love the new title.

Scott

vera said...

I had a cigarette after reading that blogpost. It was euphoric. But I guess what I see as euphoric and what someone else sees as euphoric are two different things. I live for the bitter and cynical. And not to say that lovey dovey doesn't have its place, it just manages to ride on the wheel well of MY truck of holiness.
I'm not much of a vacuum connoisseur...

verification word: yyyhiz

interesting... a question i've often wondered myself...

Outdoorsy Girl said...

So holy, yet you don't act holier than thou. We thank you for that. All of us, unworthy sinners out here and you accept us as we are dispensing joy, peace, love, and goodtimes to us all.

You are a great follower of Jesus. You do Him proud.

goldennib said...

I can see the halo.

Chief Scientist said...

We should all make topical jokes.

I'll start:

Q: What job do you think Nicole Simpson has in heaven?

A: Pez dispenser!!

This could be fun.