TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): ABBA

There were times in my childhood when I became so frustrated with things that almost nothing would make it all better. When I would get that way I would lock myself into my room with my sister's old 8-track player and listen to ABBA until the world made sense to me again. The Grease soundtrack was also heavily employed, as well as the theme song to Hawaii Five-O. Now I usually just hole up wherever I can get free refills on beverages and drink Diet Coke until I am ready to add another chapter to my Groundhog Day existence.

ABBA is one of my most treasured guilty pleasures in life. I thought it was so beautiful how Frida (the one I so dearly wanted to bone) and blondie blond Agnetha (the other one I so dearly wanted to bone) would sing together in harmony. As for Benny and Böjrn, those two dudes were Swedish pimps, getting all married up in that shit. Who would know that this Swedish supergroup had a hidden agenda to take over the world.

You may joke that they were the inventors of "Mentos" pop, but did you know that they are the creators of everything super catchy and addicting since the '70s? Yes, it is true. They did unleash Mentos upon us, but that was just the beginning. Let's see...video games, soft core, Jazzercise, Swatches, pogs, IM, texting, American Idol, Lost, and You Tube, to name just a handful of examples of the secret weapons that ABBA has used to control us. The sinister plot to rule the world does not stop there. Benny and Frida unleashed their demon spawn Ace of Bace upon us in the early nineties with devastating results. Agnetha and Björn decided that they should contribute as well and birthed Aqua. It was in these spawn that the seeds of their demise were sewn. Not having obtained the secret of immortality, ABBA have not been able to trust their progeny to carry out their diabolical plan into the future, due to Ace of Bace and Aqua's lack of staying power or coolness.

We have hope in the Scandinavian countries' ever vigilant metal movement to keep ABBA's influence and power in check. This is what I've noticed: It's a war between two extremes in this region. Either you have super happy/catchy groups like ABBA or super downer trip to hell black metal bands like Gorgogoth and Mayhem there. I've fought on both sides of the battle and end up going back to Liverpool with the Fab Four. Every once in awhile, though, I make my way back and see what each side has been up to since the last time we met up. I've recently done my rounds and ABBA is doing O.K. They need to watch out for a Finnish band, Insomniom, though. They're evil. Well, it's all evil, really.


It is important to note that The Cardigans were not related to ABBA, although some have speculated such. Oh, and glow sticks are the fecal product of all blond-haired and blue-eyed pop princesses.

If this post was not up to regular Grunt Ahoy standards, well, you can chalk it up to me doing my taxes this morning and being star struck by meeting Oprah's boyfriend Steadman Graham at a conference that my boss thought I should go to because I needed to be motivated. Yes, after this event I will be better able to do my monkey chores. I now have a vision and an action plan. Watch out world!