Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Again With The Voices: Mamma, Wooderson, and Captain Caveman.

Here's the first post in this series: Voices in My Head. This is required reading for anybody who's not familiar with what I'm referring to. There will be no crash courses, so just deal. Mamma's in light blue italics, Wooderson's in purple, and Captain Caveman is in bold red.

So, down the winding frontage road goes I. Clyde, The Grunt's chariot, is giving off a low-toned roar out the dual side pipes. Perched up high in my chariot, I peer down upon the joggers and other motorists with a feeling of badass not equaled since I last shot up a crisp Jack'o'Lantern in the woods. Clyde is a clean metallic green horse and rolls over bumps with a stiff bouncing reminder that I lack a big breasted XX chromosome passenger to make this moment complete. Okay, so it was supposed to be Wooderson's day to have me.

Effin'-A man, this shit isn't on until we spin some "High Voltage". Nooo, they're evil! I surrendered, took the AC/DC and plopped it in, put it on "TNT". "See me ride out of the sunset on your colour TV screen." MEAT! "Out for all that I can get, if you know what I mean." WANT MEAT!! "Women to the left of me , and women to the right" WANT MEAT NOW!!! Settle down Kemosabe. Noooo, what does he want meat for? Eat soup or they're all going to laugh at you, fatty! "Ain't got no gun. Ain't got no knife. But don't you start no fight." WHY NO MEAT??? "'Cause I'm TNT" MEAT! "Oi!" MEAT!! "Oi!!" MEEEEAT!!! Oi!" Shit, mamma, I think that we'll have to get the man some ribs so he'll shut up. Noooo, I don't want my little Grunty getting fat, they'll all laugh at him. Who the hell put the Madame Moms in charge here, anyway? AHHHH, MEAT? Yes, man, we'll hit the chicken and ribs joint and float something heavy-greasy down our pipes.

So, on down to a town with some halfway decent choices. I settled on a place that is at a new location, but used to go to the old one back in the day. This is a barbecue place owned by Greeks and staffed with Mexicans. Isn't America great? I get in there and order a three-piece beef rib plate, which included a Greek salad, potatoes, and a pita.

MEAT, MEAT, MEAT! I LOVE MEAT! Hey, the cave dude is pretty stoked mamma. Yesssss, he was starting to really f-ck with my inner peace! Chick just swore, holy shit on a graham cracker. I'm allowed one a day, f-nut. You did it again, senorita. Nooo, that was just a rain check, you ponce! WHY MEAT TAKE SO LONG? ME HUNGY!!!

About fifteen minutes of waiting, Juan finally comes up to me and explains that no ribs are on the rotissere and that they can get me a half chicken plate.

KILL MAN! HE TAKE MEAT AWAY! Noooo, there will be no killing on my watch. You'll go to prison and be garbage bagged up the hiney hole by a whole crew of thug lovin'. Then they're all gonna laugh at you! Oh, wow, totally uncool. Tell the man to give you a dollar off, dude. And free refills, too! IS CHICKEN MEAT? Momma and Wooderson, together: "YES!"

So, I had a pretty decent meal with free refills and it was a dollar off. Captain Caveman liked Greek rotissere chicken and Wooderson and Momma finally agreed on something. All in all, a pretty funny day.


Vera said...

Technically chicken is a meat, but I think its still being approved by the FDA.

The Grunt said...

Huh? I guess you're the only one in the reading mood today, Vera. My old style is passe, I suppose;)

Chris said...

I once had holy shit on a graham cracker. With a beer chaser it wasn't half bad.

Anonymous said...

I don't have internal monologue before I eat. I have one prominent voice in my head - someone like your Captain Caveman.

And Yes, chicken is meat.

Logophile said...


Outdoorsy Girl said...

Glad I'm not the only one that hears voices, though Captain Caveman has never spoken to me. That might be pretty cool.

Anyways, read through some of your blog and had some VERY good laughs! I really enjoyed your desert pics. I love it there! I am going to spend my summer in Utah with my best friend. Can't wait to take some more beautiful shots from there myself.

"K" Fingerett said...

"...holy shit on a graham cracker..."

"...You'll go to prison and be garbage bagged up the hiney hole by a whole crew of thug lovin'. Then they're all gonna laugh at you!..."

I'd put some more [as if you all need a reminder] but I'd end up re-posting your post. The whole thing was hilarious!

I need to wrap this up and leave your page for now- my cheeks hurt. It's one of those good pains though...

Thanks for the laughs- great stuff Grunt!


The Grunt said...

Chris~Yeah, it's so underrated. I mean, the graham cracker makes it so worth it.

Guggs~Usually, there is no argument when it comes to food. I've been trying to be good, lately. So, there's conflict.

Logo~one of these days I'm going to try a meat on meat sandwich with a side of meat and wash it all down with a meat soda. I got that idea from watching too much Wren and Stimpy.

Outdoorsy Girl~welcome to my blog. I'm glad that you're enjoying it here. Can I abbreviate your name to O-Girl? That's a good song, BTW.

"K"~Did I mention that your eyes are welcome here anytime? Good to see that I can provide a laugh workout for you.

Did somebody kidnap Crystal?