Friday, May 19, 2006

More Of the Random

You can tack on another hour to my post times. I never bothered to get it straightened out. It's late an' I'm tarred. Let the feast of a thousand or less words begin!

I think that the funniest thing that I've ever seen was a male dauschand and a male miniature schnauzer getting it on with each other. I mean, they were sucking each other's dicks, B-effin, 69, you name it.

I think that I just lost a bunch of readers there. Baby, please don't go. I can change.

Gay pets, gay retards, gay appliances, I've witnessed them all. What does this mean, people?

Moving on, I maced myself once. I was a kid and into trying new things. A little piece of advice folks: don't ever mace yourself. It's the stupidest thing you could do, besides throw your genitalia into a Victorian wheat grinder.

I once guzzled a whole can of Liquid Wrench. Why? Because, I liked how that yellow can with the red-script logo looked--tasty! What happened, you say? Well, I ran out of my dad's workshop and the grass flew up and hit me in the face. I swear that's how it happened. I did not fall; the ground just punched me. I woke up after that in my bed a day later. I guess I can't remember my mom hanging me upside down or the trip to the ER to get my stomach pumped out.

I remember, as a kid, my mother would take me around on this ten speed that had a child seat in the back. She was going down this road and lost control. Well, she ditched the bike and forgot I was there. That was the coolest ghost bike ride that lasted two seconds, ever!!! I survived, obviously.

Moving on, I think that the future of plastic surgery for men will include breast implants for the penis and superfluous nut sacks. Prove me wrong, Julian & Shaun.

Bigfoot is both gay and immortal.

Have you ever really came and felt the Lemonheads?

Am I alone in this: that I fantasize that I will live on Mars before anybody else? I got it all worked out, too.

When will Bill Clinton just drop trou in public and say "open house!"

Will Hillary ever get the chance to "not" have relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinski? There's a tube of lipstick riding on this one.

When will Kobe Bryant just get it, really?

So, I've seen my share of gross things in life, but this one took me down a road that scared me: A tumor poking out to say hello from behind a Tongan dude's afro. He picked at it until it bled. He didn't seem to concerned about it, either. It was quite sizable, too.

Pee dreams: I have a recurring pee dream where I am dancing in a fancy ballroom. I'm in a tux and my date is beautiful, then I have to slash in a dash. So, I run up the stairs into a dark hallway (think high school) with lockers on either side. I find myself entering a restroom, after running for a long time, whip out Oscar, then I'm right back to the ballroom. This just keeps repeating until I wake up or pee my bed.

My nightmares usually consist of masses of tornadoes chasing me, while I do that quicksand getaway thingy.

Wet dreams: Do any of you dudes have these anymore? I usually get up right before Pompeii erupts, but you have to stay perfectly still, or it will go off. It's like disarming a bomb, "Do I cut the red wire or the blue one?". That's so arbitrary. Like a mad bomber follows a color-coded system for wiring. Shit, just find the ground wire and cut it. I was talking about wet dreams, wasn't I? Well, the decision is whether to stay and not move until the danger has passed, or grab that thing like you're trying to catch a fly, find a sock or the nearest sink, and Bob's yer uncle. Some of you probably don't even do that, sickos!

I'm tired. More random stuff later....


goldennib said...

Did the mace leave any dents? Where did you hit yourself? Oh, I am thinking of the wrong kind of mace? never mind.

I once ate a whole bottle (big, brown, Army issue size) of aspirin when I was about six. What can I say, they looked good and I swallowed.

I feel discriminated against: women have wet dreams, too. We just don't have to worry about breaking anything if we roll over.

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Yiou ever deen a jack russell with a stiffy try to get up stairs. Fuck I'm glad I'm only 3 legged.
A few very serious points there grunty!

Scott said...

Dude, mace? That does not sound fun at all.

Wet dreams? Not in many many moons and quite frankly, i am disappointed with this fact.


Anonymous said...

This is quite the random post but oddly with an unexpected common thread...i think you know what that is.

I once inhaled chicken feed because i loved the smell of it so I went closer for a better whiff until up it went into my nose.

I didn't get high.

Nocturnal emissions? I believe they are more common to the younger demographics. I'm not saying they don't happen to the more seasoned population, but I'm just saying...

Chief Scientist said...

If you TASER yourself, you would get the coveted Cash Star Award for May.

Thomas said...


vera said...

i had a dream i ate an entire pan of brownies and i felt so guilt ridden!! contrary to popular believe, fat girls dont sit in front of the tv guzzling litres of soda and eating brownies right from the mixing bowl... HA!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Very random AND very revealing!

Tell us more.

ChickyBabe said...

Your random posts makes mine look like I'm at primary school! Mace, Pompei, cutting wires... I need to take notes!