Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I want to buy the world a Shasta Diet Cola

How are we all doing? I'm just sitting here wondering what to post about. I'm kind of drawing a blank. Those are easy to draw, BTW. All you have to do is take out a fresh piece of paper and viola, you've drawn a blank!

I've learned this one truth throughout my life and certainly now: If it isn't one thing, it's another. I have found that when the doctors told me that "You don't have to stop living your life now that you've got cancer" they were absolutely right. Remember, life includes all those sucky bits too. I still have to deal with a crap ass landlord, more bills than there are forests to supply the demand for paper to print them on, girls that won't go out with me, work, and getting stuck in traffic. Life also includes the good stuff, which includes you guys.

I accept life. The pain and the tragedy of life are part of what I accept. Even though I accept those things I don't revel in them or approve. I have the right to anger and disgust, but I know that life and the world will always have more than it's share of what I've mentioned. So, I go with it and try my best to keep my small stage interesting and happy.

I have things right now, other than my health, that are putting a great deal of stress on me. I am prone to anxiety with the chemicals that they treat me with. I have found it harder to deal with stress now more than ever. However, I do my best and try to get through the tough times without too much hassle.

I never could have imagined that this is where I'd be at this time in my life. If that is true now, I wonder what my life will be like in ten years. I wonder about the longevity of the words that I write in this blog. Will I matter in the long run? Will people still remember me? I hope so. I've made some great friends through this medium and I wouldn't want to forget about them.

I've felt pretty vulnerable lately as well. That is a new feeling for me in the amount that I have felt it. Mercy is a blessing that I accept with gratitude, and do I ever need it. Grace is another essential gift that I could not do without. I'm experiencing what it is to be meek and humble. I have no place for being puffed up and aloof to helping hands. It is harder than you can imagine for me to be in this position.

If anything, I now have real compassion for others. I used to think that I had it, but certainly it is on a whole different level now. I also am keenly aware of my mortality and how fragile it is. It is a prize to live, yet you can't just live and be a winner. So, even though I have a deeper appreciation for life, I am still left with, "What in the hell am I going to do with it?"

Did I mention that I wanted to be a firetruck when I grew up?


Sun Follower said...

A hook 'n' ladder. I presume.

When I grew up I wanted to be the one who painted oversized renditions of album covers (albums... do you remember those?) on those giant panels outside and inside Tower Records.

Alas, Tower Records is no more, album cover art is essentially no more... :/ ......it's a good thing I never grew up - I'd be jobless!

leelee said...

Oh My god...I just realized that I'm grown up and still don't know what I want to be..what a conundrum..

Catch the Hug Grunt..


Tys on Ice said...

:) u wud hve made a great fire truck...me? iam wanted to be happy...now, iam so busy trying to get happy that iam so damn unhappy...irony of life...

Scary Monster said...

Me made pancakes yesterday. A huge stack of them and tried to get the Vixen into the spirit of things by letting me cover her in butter and maple syrup and lettin me eat them offa her.

Funny. Her response to me suggestion were "When are you going to grow up?"

Me figgers we all know the answer to that question, ya?

Turn on the siren and ring the bell!


vera said...

chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream and slices of banana. YUM!!

sorry, the monster's post got me distracted.

the neverending sin wave of Life hits us all in the gob every now and then.

you are adored, grunto, you know this. that is evident from the continuing stream of regulars that frequent your blog. and no matter what Life has tosses @ you, you seem to just keep swinging. sometimes you knock them out of the park and sometimes not. but never put down your bat.

ps: lamentations is a great CD... listen...


Jules said...

*whispers in your ear: you're unforgettable to me*

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I wouldn't ever be able to forget you if I tried. But why would I want to do something stupid like that? Your compassionate words and understanding have been known to pull me out of serious ruts.

I have faith in you that you can go wherever you want to in life. And I also have faith that you will know where that somewhere is when the time is right.

It still may not be too late to be a firetruck, if you really want that.

Scott said...

For someone that is drawing a blank that was quite the post.

You put some great thoughts into words there man. I am at a loss really.

I hope that you are well!

The Grunt said...

Sun~ There is a reason I knew I liked you and now I know one big reason why.

Lee Lee~ Hugs are great! I like your hugs.

Ty~ It's true. I'm sure that reaching certain life goals are met with dissappointment quite often. I'm trying to avoid that kind of burn out.

Scary~ Pancakes need a good plate, I say. As for the fire truck thing, I can put out a campfire after drinking a six-pack of Dr. Pepper.

Vera~ I will always have hammer in hand. Lamentations, eh? Alright, I will check it out.

Jules~ Whispers back: "Your breath smells good. Where'd you eat?"

O-Girl~ I'm flattered. I just try to be a good friend to you.

Scott~ I am doing a bit better with the anxiety. Today's "Hump Day" chemo was strong and left me worthless and weak. Despite that I am doing good.

egan said...

I"m with Scott here, your post was quite profound. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. You do matter. I've only read you for about a year and you have great things to say sir. Read the comments and there's even more proof.

I think many of us take our healthy lives for granted. Without our health, where would we be? I ask this very question as my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer recently.

Hang in there. That's all I can really offer.

cindra said...

you wanted to be the truck, not the fire fighter? i like that. there's still time to be the firetruck, lil' bro. and i'll be there to take pictures. cos you do matter to me a lot!

Chandra said...

I have a friend who's nickname is firetruck. I love how when I teach that we have to call them "fire PERSON" now... sometimes women's rights are blah!
If you have Chicago's greatest hits.. song #7 is you.

I like the words you used: Grace, meek, mercy, puffed and aloof, anxiety and firetruck.

Make EVERYDAY you're birthday... best advice I have heard in a LONG time!

Karyn said...

Yeah, I've got nothing to offer by way of enlightenment.

Got biscotti though. And hugs.

The Grunt said...

Egan~ Thanks man, it does mean a lot.

Cindra~ Firetrucks are just cooler than the firemen.

Chandra~ Now I'm going to have to listen to Chicago's Greatest Hits to find out what you are talking about.

Karyn~ I'll take your biscotti and hugs anyday.

Corn Dog said...

Cancer's an ephinany, isn't it? It's like your life gets divided into 2 halfs. I call them BC and AC - before cancer and after cancer. During cancer is a zone of discovery with raw emotions, stripped down and peeled by chemo and raidiation. Sometimes I look back and try to pretend my cancer never happened. I walk down the street and think, "It didn't happen" but the next person I meet or see with an illness or disability I have a compassion that only comes from participation. One thing you will never do after this is take life for granted.