Sunday, October 21, 2007

Feelin' Posty

I think I know why explorers have not found Noah's Ark. They have been looking for a vessel that is 300 cubits long. What they don't know is that down through time the story has been changed. If you know God, and believe me, I know God, his favorite way to measure things is by Cubans. I wonder if Fidel Castro is up for an expedition?

I was at a friend's house watching some DVDs and I busted out a bag of Doritos. I was attacked by his cat; well, I had a chip in my hand and it jumped on me and snatched it. I marveled at this and kept feeding this cat Doritos. My friend wasn't fazed at all. He said that is his cat's favorite food.

My best friend and I were exploring a slot canyon down in Escalante about this time last year. One of the canyons was flooded and so we swam through this narrow crevice in the earth. The walls were so high that not much light could shine down, making it necessary to use flash lights. The best part was that the water was freezing cold. Why? Well, I was the first one to commit self neuterization by cold water. After I got through that first stretch I was treated to the sounds of my friend descending into the pool. What I heard echoing off the twisting walls of carved sandstone sounded strange. Not to offend or sound racist, but he sounded just like a deaf, old, Japanese man suffering a fatal orgasm. It was one of my life's all time favorite moments. I hope they have instant replay when my life flashes before my eyes when I die.

Bigfoot is known amongst Native Americans to have magical powers--the abilities to not be seen, shape shifting, and sawing beautiful women in half only to be able to put them back together again. What is not as well known is that the Big Foot are great accountants. Many accounting firms have had phenomena happen where all of their books are done with amazing accuracy and speed, only to be left with a beautiful woman in a box put back together as their only clue.

I've had people tell me that the Bible is their favorite book in the whole wide world. I tell those people that I am not in charge of getting people into Heaven, so stop lying. I am in charge of restroom breaks in purgatory. You will still have to be nice to me, it appears.

I was thinking about the principle of tithing today. God gives you protection and blessings in exchange for a tenth of your income. I had no idea God was from New Jersey.

Bada-bing, hey!

13 comments:

Tys on Ice said...

hilarious! loved it!

now, do u think u cud let me cut the q when we meet at the golden shower gates in hell?

Punny Yumpkin said...

God also seems to have a joint venture with labor unions. They also rely on tithings to maintain a secured seat in the promised land.
STOMP.

Nessa said...

I'm from New Jersey. Does that mean I'm god? Where's my money?

Corn Dog said...

Yeah, kind of why the Christians and I have had a falling out. "Accept Christ as your savior or you're eternally damned." Isn't that...say blackmail? And when I bring up most of the population on this planet isn't falling for this, they quickly add, you have to know about Christ and then refuse him as your savior for this offer to take effect. Is he a coupon? I think I'll wait and see. So, my relatives who are Southern Baptists are sad because I'm going to hell and cooking in the kitchen because that the definition of hell. I can't cook and hate to.

Clearlykels said...

Right, I remember you doing that last year and I remember thinking that that wasn't the best idea. I hope you've recovered from that very, very cold swim, you know, a year later.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I wish I could've heard the sound YOU made when you hit the water. ;)

I'd love to be in the slots about right now.

Jules said...

In order for you to be able to compare your friend's screams in the canyon to the old japanese guy, you must have witnessed the old japanese guy's orgams at some point. I wanna know THAT story!

Chandra said...

The best thing I've ever been told is wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident or go to the bathroom before you go ANYWHERE... you never knew when you might rush and be stuck in an elevator. I literally drive everyone I know completely crazy because I always do before I leave the house.... smartest thing ever.. especially in rush hour traffic. I just said too much maybe.. meh.

Yes been thinking and dreaming about you...o0o0o0o0 but not in an icky way... just that you are getting better and that kind of stuff.

Save my spot in the bathroom line in purgatory... That's one place where I have no problem using the men's or ladies lol

Pokey said...

I can so picture your friend...awwwhhh good times! I love it when stuff like that happens, its sad really, that I can take joy in other people's agony..lol. Oh well I am going to hell anyways so I will see u when I have to tinkle.

Keshi said...

LOL God is from Sydney too!

Keshi.

The Grunt said...

Ty~ Just say the word and you will get relief.

Punny~ Makes me think about Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place.

Nessa~ I always knew there was something special about you.

Corn Dog~ Those people are annoying as hell.

Kels~ I am glad you are thinking of my well being. Are you feeling better?

O-Girl~ Those slots would probably be muddy right now, but still fun.

Jules~ I'll send you a tape.

Chandra~ That's quite some information there.

Pokey~ I have a weakness for laughing at those same things.

Keshi~ Well, God is everywhere. I suspect that God just spends more time in Sydney.

Keshi said...

:) he may be...but he didn't stop by my tears..

Keshi.

Karyn said...

Okay, what do I need to start stashing for the purpose of bribing my favorite restroom attendant in the afterlife? Christ, this is complicated.

Tithing doesn't get you GOD'S protection. But it does get you into the coffee and donut club after church.

Love the Jersey ref. Too funny.