I think I know why explorers have not found Noah's Ark. They have been looking for a vessel that is 300 cubits long. What they don't know is that down through time the story has been changed. If you know God, and believe me, I know God, his favorite way to measure things is by Cubans. I wonder if Fidel Castro is up for an expedition?
I was at a friend's house watching some DVDs and I busted out a bag of Doritos. I was attacked by his cat; well, I had a chip in my hand and it jumped on me and snatched it. I marveled at this and kept feeding this cat Doritos. My friend wasn't fazed at all. He said that is his cat's favorite food.
My best friend and I were exploring a slot canyon down in Escalante about this time last year. One of the canyons was flooded and so we swam through this narrow crevice in the earth. The walls were so high that not much light could shine down, making it necessary to use flash lights. The best part was that the water was freezing cold. Why? Well, I was the first one to commit self neuterization by cold water. After I got through that first stretch I was treated to the sounds of my friend descending into the pool. What I heard echoing off the twisting walls of carved sandstone sounded strange. Not to offend or sound racist, but he sounded just like a deaf, old, Japanese man suffering a fatal orgasm. It was one of my life's all time favorite moments. I hope they have instant replay when my life flashes before my eyes when I die.
Bigfoot is known amongst Native Americans to have magical powers--the abilities to not be seen, shape shifting, and sawing beautiful women in half only to be able to put them back together again. What is not as well known is that the Big Foot are great accountants. Many accounting firms have had phenomena happen where all of their books are done with amazing accuracy and speed, only to be left with a beautiful woman in a box put back together as their only clue.
I've had people tell me that the Bible is their favorite book in the whole wide world. I tell those people that I am not in charge of getting people into Heaven, so stop lying. I am in charge of restroom breaks in purgatory. You will still have to be nice to me, it appears.
I was thinking about the principle of tithing today. God gives you protection and blessings in exchange for a tenth of your income. I had no idea God was from New Jersey.
4 years ago