Saturday, March 01, 2008

A rare Saturday night post

I've stopped itching long enough to do some typing. My rash has made a home here on my body. I have to accept that I will be a bumpy, splotchy mess from now on. It is times like these that one might fall into the depths of despair. Not me. I am hoping to join in the side show circuit as "Gila Man and his dwarf slave, Oswald." I'm having open auditions for Oswald. Email me if you are below four feet tall and don't mind being told to do awful things in the name of showbiz. There's a little school boy's outfit in the deal if you make the cut.

How many of you are familiar with the phenomenon of "stage fright" when urinating in public? Wait, that didn't sound right. Let me try that one again: when urinating in a public restroom? Here's the thing: I have had my moments of pee paralysis. The most extreme case of this occurred when I was trying to pee next to the regional manager of Hoover Vacuums in Northern England. Yes, this was way back when I was going door to door selling vacuum cleaners for Jebus there. The conversation went thusly, me: "Um, nice talk." Him: (clears throat) "Boy, it's sure cold outside." Me: "Yeah, unbelievable." Then about thirty seconds of silence. Not even one mercy drip came from my lazy boy, nor his. It was too much, so I wrapped it up and left that awkward silence in a flash. Maybe I should have farted and broke the tension.

This is also how I know that ghosts are real, stage fright. I was in the comfort of my dwelling, going #1 in the bathroom, well, trying to go #1. I desperately wanted to go #1, with scatters of #2, but no. I had to go real bad, but I couldn't. I had stage fright. How could I have had stage fright if there was no audience? Exactly! I deduced that there was someone in that bathroom with me, someone invisible to the naked eye. It was a ghost, a perverted one, but a ghost nonetheless. After more encounters I figured out who this ghost was. It was none other than the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln! Read more about his ghost in this post here.

That is all for now. T'ra!


Outdoorsy Girl said...

Fortunately, I never experience pee stage fright. That's probably because I usually wait until have to go so bad that I almost wet myself before I get my pants down. Nothing's stopping that stream!

I often wondered if those boys who go to Hogwarts ever had pee stage fright. I mean, Myrtle the ghost lived in the freakin' bathroom!

The Grunt said...

That would be freaky.

Photogirl said...

You have no idea how much sympathy I have for you. I understand completely. My allergic reaction of late resulted in an all-body rash. Don't forget though, that it will soon pass. These things always do. The body has an amazing way of healing itself.

In the meantime, try an Aveno Oatmeal Bath!

NYD said...

Hey! I Never knew Abraham Lincoln had a size 14 foot.

I read that post while eating breakfast....

If you do have an oatmeal bath, please be certain to let us know all about it next friday.

Keshi said...

** I deduced that there was someone in that bathroom with me, someone invisible to the naked eye

o cmon Grunty cant it be Anna Nicole's ghost?


Scott said...

Dude, I am so glad that you wrote about this phenomena, I am a victim of Pee Stage Fright and have been for many years. ONce, I was had to go sooo bad at a concert and I could not do it, there were like 10 people behind me waiting, one almost literally breathing down my neck. I had to give up, I think I almost died of urithromitosis.


The Grunt said...

Celeste~ Aveno oatmeal bath it is!

NYD~ What's important is what happens to that breakfast later on.

Keshi~ Anna Nicole's ghost would have just given me a haunted stiffy.

Scott~ LOL! Well, I have seriously thought that if I ever decided to go back and get a PhD in psychology that I could make "stage fright" the subject of my thesis. I'm not kidding about that one, either.

Karyn said...

Okay, so you guys definitely have a harder time of it (no pun intended) with the peeing in public thing since you have to do it standing up and without proper privacy.

But I still get stage fright. The bathroom has to be either SO FULL that my presence is indistinguishable or completely empty.

It isn't easy, this.