Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Alone time at the movies

(Cue Harry Nilsson's "One"--I hate Three Dog Night's version)

So, I found myself at the movies alone. This shit happened for real. I was surprised myself. I went to see "Semi-Pro". It had its moments. There were only two other people in the audience and you know what went through my mind for just one second: threesome. Never mind that the other two people in the audience were a couple in their fifties. I just saw the makings of a great adventure and put some mental effort into how I'd go about initiating such a menage a trios.

I figure that such a mature couple would need the services of a youngish stud like me. I mean, who could resist a radioactive sex shogun such as myself? This was all in my head, of course. You have to do such things to entertain yourself when you're all alone. In imagination land you can have Milk Duds for nipples and hot buttered popcorn for a mattress.

After I finished my silly exercise of imagination, I decided to call my sister and tell her that I was all alone at the movies. She wasn't too impressed and told me to try it for forty years, whatever that means. It was about then that the movie started. This is the part where I free based some Rollos. I'm telling you, that is the only way to consume your favorite candy. Having said that, Rollos aren't my favorite candy. I just had a craving is all. I would probably say that real chocolate isn't candy, rather, a sacrament. Rollos aren't real chocolate, though. As far as candy goes, I'm going to have to choose Red Vines for the theater.

I decided that since the only other people in the theater were old and far away from me, that I was going to laugh harder than I wanted to as well as talk to the movie screen. I really did this. I highly recommend it, too. Just wait for the movie to start or even the projectionist will feel more sane than you.

I had a good time with myself, and it did not even include any Paul Ruebens style hi-jinks. If you have to ask about what that means, then you weren't the one whose perceptions of Pee Wee Herman were utterly shattered, requiring much therapy and role playing with sock puppets. Plus, I found out that I am a cheap date. I only ate a eighty-nine cent cheeseburger for dinner! Ladies, this man is low maintenance. I did think that asparagus, new potatoes, and fillet mignon, with a fine port, would have been nicer--and I'm so worth it, even if I don't drink. But I had to say hello to my high school employer, Ronald McDonald.

All in all, it was a good night. So, if you find yourself alone in a movie theater, ask yourself: What would Grunty do?

12 comments:

Diane Mandy said...

I will now. :-)

Clearlykels said...

I've already done it. I wanted to see Juno. It was Saturday night and I found myself without plans. I went to the movies on a Saturday night by myself. It was awesome. It would've been better if I got popcorn-- but I wasn't feeling snacky.

Autumn Storm said...

LOL, Grunty, I could fall for you just by reading this post. :-D

BrettM said...

Before I got married, I was the Czar of Going to Movies by Myself-land. I went by myself all the time. Probably once a week at least. Occasionally I would go with a friend or date (I did get married after all) but there is just something about having movie time all alone. Or, relatively alone. Sunday was almost always the best day to do this. (I know, I know ...)

The Grunt said...

Diane~ That is a good thing.

Kels~ I loved Juno. I am not usually a big candy snacker myself. Salty things are more my style, which is not good for my heart.

Autumn~ Well, too bad that you weren't around. Then maybe I wouldn't have had to have been alone.

Brett~ I always knew that I was related to someone important. I just didn't know that it was a Czar. However, I am glad that you've relinquished the title in the name of becoming a family man.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I'm no stranger to being my own date at the movies. I am usually not too romantic with myself, though. I try to keep it to a friendly level with a good zombie flick.

Christielli said...

Alone at the movies isn't the worst thing. You get to chose the show and get all of the popcorn to yourself.

We don't have Red Vines here. You have such a larger candy selection in your country, I think.

The Grunt said...

O-Girl~ Define "friendly" and then I might settle down.

Christielli~ Red Vines are twists of red liquorice. I may have to send you some.

Photogirl said...

I love it!

I don't think I've ever been to the movies alone, now that I think about it. I'll give it a shot and report back...

Sun Follower said...

I've gone to the movies alone a gazillion times. Sometimes I enjoy it because I can really concentrate and get lost in it if it's an absorbing plot. IF it's a popcorn movie then It's more fun to go with someone else - but I really love movies so alone or in company - I'm a happy cmaper.

Sun Follower said...

P.S. happy campers are often bad typists.

Karyn said...

Hot buttered popcorn. As a mattress.

Well...

If I were in imaginationland, and I had hot buttered popcorn for a mattress, I'd eat myself to sleep instead of crying myself to sleep, that is for damn sure.

Unless I had milk dud nipples and the right company of course, in which case I may never notice the popcorn mattress.