(Cue Harry Nilsson's "One"--I hate Three Dog Night's version)
So, I found myself at the movies alone. This shit happened for real. I was surprised myself. I went to see "Semi-Pro". It had its moments. There were only two other people in the audience and you know what went through my mind for just one second: threesome. Never mind that the other two people in the audience were a couple in their fifties. I just saw the makings of a great adventure and put some mental effort into how I'd go about initiating such a menage a trios.
I figure that such a mature couple would need the services of a youngish stud like me. I mean, who could resist a radioactive sex shogun such as myself? This was all in my head, of course. You have to do such things to entertain yourself when you're all alone. In imagination land you can have Milk Duds for nipples and hot buttered popcorn for a mattress.
After I finished my silly exercise of imagination, I decided to call my sister and tell her that I was all alone at the movies. She wasn't too impressed and told me to try it for forty years, whatever that means. It was about then that the movie started. This is the part where I free based some Rollos. I'm telling you, that is the only way to consume your favorite candy. Having said that, Rollos aren't my favorite candy. I just had a craving is all. I would probably say that real chocolate isn't candy, rather, a sacrament. Rollos aren't real chocolate, though. As far as candy goes, I'm going to have to choose Red Vines for the theater.
I decided that since the only other people in the theater were old and far away from me, that I was going to laugh harder than I wanted to as well as talk to the movie screen. I really did this. I highly recommend it, too. Just wait for the movie to start or even the projectionist will feel more sane than you.
I had a good time with myself, and it did not even include any Paul Ruebens style hi-jinks. If you have to ask about what that means, then you weren't the one whose perceptions of Pee Wee Herman were utterly shattered, requiring much therapy and role playing with sock puppets. Plus, I found out that I am a cheap date. I only ate a eighty-nine cent cheeseburger for dinner! Ladies, this man is low maintenance. I did think that asparagus, new potatoes, and fillet mignon, with a fine port, would have been nicer--and I'm so worth it, even if I don't drink. But I had to say hello to my high school employer, Ronald McDonald.
All in all, it was a good night. So, if you find yourself alone in a movie theater, ask yourself: What would Grunty do?
3 years ago