Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Here you go: a bit of rambling followed by a rant, followed up with make up sex

I didn't get around to posting last night like I had planned. I watched Frontline's "Bush's War" instead. I'm not going to discuss that show other than it was well worth my time.

I'm never in a creative mood in the early part of the day. The closer I get to the witching hour the better for writing. I mean, I guess I could try to be silly. I guess I could tell you how I gave up picking my nose for lent. Nah, I don't have the inspiration at the moment to do that.

I could tell you that I've hurt my right foot. I've had to cut back on my walks now because of it. It's weird because my right foot is so swollen that all my shoes feel too tight on that foot now. Don't ask me how I did it, either. I have no clue. I woke up one morning in pain and my foot was all swollen. I think I've been kicking the wall in my sleep.

Good news: I'm finally back to eating spicy foods!

Bad news: I forgot that said foods can cause gastrointestinal distress.

I feel a rant coming on. Please, do not take any of this to heart. I promise that I turn it around at the end.

For those who think that I don't know it yet: Yes, I've kicked cancer's ass...with the help of God, doctors, nurses, chemicals, radiation, family, friends, community. When I take all the credit I deny the collective community that I am a part of. I am not lingering in the aftermath as much as some people think. I had problems that I was dealing with before all of this started, and as much as I would wish to my fairy godmother, I don't get a clean slate. So, from one thing to another--that is the reality. Plus, anyone thinking that some sort of cosmic karma machine is going to dispense life candy to me based purely on getting through all of this, grow up.

I feel blessed that I got through cancer, but I really don't feel that this makes me a Mother Teresa and I'm going to have everything go my way because of it. On the contrary, I will have to work harder to get what I want and what I need. If I don't, then something else bad could take me away before I get a chance to realize my full joy in life. This is mortality. We are going to die. That usually involves something less than desirable happening to you. These are givens. Life is not cozy; nature is not balanced. There is always something out there ready to kick your ass and if you let your guard down you're toast. I know that this reasoning seems obscene, but isn't everything outside of our "magical" touchy-feely thought process a bit obscene?

Now to redeem myself. I know that I brought many people along with me on this journey. I know that many people felt for me and took away positive things from my experience. I am trying to understand the effect that my experience had on other people. Sometimes I don't do a very good job of doing that. I am trying to balance the positive aspects of this victory with the harsh realities that I wrote about above. Nature wants me to become defensive and paranoid. I need to overcome that if I am going to expect people's continued goodwill. To the people that have called me on certain things: I need to bitch about it, but I need friends even more. I am impatient with myself and it's not the personality trait that helps right now. How I get from where I am to where I want to be is still something that I am struggling with. I wish I could just chill out.

I love you all for being here and listening to me go on and on about all of this. I don't know how much of it made sense. That's the thing about feelings: they don't always make sense.

19 comments:

Crystal said...

well, i have wanted to make you a pallet in my underarm and carry you around with me so you will be warm and smell like baby powder. i could also get you all nestled up in my undertitty, but you would constantly be wringing sweat out of your clothes and asking for an oscillating fan. point is, that i care. and you shouldn't be shocked that you have touched people who you don't even know who don't even comment and stuff) so i think you're job is done here. now, you run along and you have some fun. we all know you deserve it.

Crystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Grunt said...

Crystal~ You know me, I'd be too embarrassed to trouble you for an oscillating fan. I think the best solution for all is for me to be me. It feels good to touch people. Oh, and I thought that people who read but don't comment were like trees in the forest that fall when nobody is around to hear them. Kidding!

Comment Deleted~ I wish I knew what you had to say. It will be bothering me all afternoon and into the night. That was almost an infringement on a Kinks song, I hope you know.

Julie Schuler said...

I hate all that "things happen for a reason" nonsense. You have probably gleaned that from me by now. To those people I say "shit in your hat and pull it down over your ears!" Well, I haven't said that yet because I just learned that delightful phrase, but I am chomping at the bit to use it. You can use it, too, because we probably don't know any of the same people.

Jules said...

Aww, babes... here for you through thick and thin!! I'd elaborate, but during the course of your cancer, I was so mushy all the time, you already know how I feel!

The Grunt said...

Julie~ Amen! You know, I can derive meaning and learn a lesson from this experience, but I don't for one second believe that there was a reason for it happening or that I had to be taught a lesson. You don't know how often I've had to restrain the fist of death from well meaning individuals. Some have even had enough gall to suggest that this was something I needed in order to give me the push to succeed in life. I feel like they would rather have delivered the so called "infected blanket" blanket to me themselves if they could have. I figure they thought that's what Jesus would've done.

Jules~ You got my back! I think you can take it as a sign of my getting better that I have enough in me to bitch about stuff now. When I was in the worst part of the battle I couldn't divert my attention away from it long enough to complain. People think I was being strong. Hell, I just had my fucking hands full! Well, I was strong, it's just that I was only that strong because of all of you who supported me...it made a difference.

Tys on Ice said...

the best part abt u being u was that an obstacle was thrown in ur face and u over came it.

all by urself.

we were at the sidelines cheering u on but u ran the race.

bitch all u want. rant all u want. you are fighting the fight ur way and thats always the best way.

as for me, iam glad tht i ran into ur thoughts...it showed me another way of dealing with things.

u may not become mother theresa but she cud have never been Grunt either.

NYD said...

I like the fact you kicked the crap outta cancer.
I like the fact you took us along on your journey.
I love that so many people gave you support.
I'm ectsatic that you realize that it's just round two and that there is a whole lotta ass kickin left to do.

Diane Mandy said...

NYD stole my comment. But do kicking NYD's ass because of it, ok?

vera said...

muchos grats grunt-o.
very happy for you and very proud of you too.
/vera

vera said...

muchos grats grunt-o.
very happy for you and very proud of you too.
/vera

Clearlykels said...

Looks like you have a grasp on things and that's all that matters. I'm glad you've used your blog as an outlet and I'm glad that you're kicking cancer's ass-- because that's just awesome.

Chandra said...

You rock!

Wear purple nail polish.

Sing more.

Wear thongs.

What size are your feet?

I'm missing the grunt christening my blog lately!

Sun Follower said...

NO - feelings don't always make sense - which is why they are wonderful!

Christielli said...

I'm not a crazy spicy foods person. I got this chocolate for Christmas that had a bit of spiciness to it, and now I'm obsessed with finding it. Also, I love putting a lot of wasabi on my sushi so it burns my mouth.

So yeah, yay for being back to eating spicy foods!

The Grunt said...

Tys~ Yeah, there isn't anyone like me, that's for sure:D

NYD~ That's kind of what I am doing right now--trying to psyche myself up for the next fight. I get a bit cagey and unless you are around me to see that I'm ok, my writings can come off like I'm in utter turmoil.

Diane~ Haha! A comment thief on the lose?

Vera Lynn~ Mucho amore back at ya!

Kels~ I'm happy to share myself with you and to have you comment on what I share. That is awesome.

Chandra~ I wear size 11 to 11.5 shoes, preferably steel toed. I visited your blog today!

Sun~ Did you ever catch The Muppet Show where Beaker sang the song "Feelings"? That was hilarious!
P.S. You are wonderful, my friend.

Christielli~ The only reason I've eaten sushi was that I love wasabi. That chocolate sounds delicious.

Photogirl said...

Feelings, most certainly, do not have to make sense. They are what they are. And sometimes, just getting them out into the world, is the best thing to do :)

Chandra said...

Yay! Go sex comments! haha.... I would have thought your feet would have been bigger hehehe.

Autumn Storm said...

Grunt, I fall for you a little more for every post I read, bless your heart.
It is the fact that you are completely aware (we all know it and often forget it) that life is a blessing that could be taken from us that is going to drive you towards those goals that you have, towards making every day count, towards connecting with other people. Wish you every happiness and though I have been largely absent these past many weeks, I am here for the long run also.