Sunday, December 30, 2007
Not too long ago I could go through a bleak winter scape while listening to Sisters of Mercy and be unaffected. In fact, I dug the inner nihilist within. Something has changed. It wasn't an effort on my part at all. My battle for my life altered who I am. I didn't ask for the changes, but they happened anyway. I'm not saying that it is good or bad, just different.
I'm not sure what I want now that things have shifted. Where life will take me next is a mystery.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Ricola enables men wearing funny shorts to blow big horns and yodel. Ricola is also my favorite lozenge and I'm sucking on one now. That's TIGF!!!
All together now: Riiiiiiiiiiicooooooooolaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
P.S. If you haven't read my blog in the past while please read the previous post. Something really good happened to me and I would like you to know about it.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
There was a young girl at the door. I did not know who she was. She asked if I were who I am and I said "yes". It was at that point that she unveiled a jar full of money and gave it to me. She then said that the party responsible for the gift wished to remain anonymous.
I did not know how to respond. I was truly overwhelmed by this gift. I have been stretched thin financially due to my medical bills and missed work. This money was a godsend. I started expressing my gratitude to her while fighting off tears. It was obvious that she was moved as well. She gave this reply to me, "Just know that there are people out there who care very much for you." I guess so.
I haven't counted the money yet. It still seems unreal to me at the moment. I am forever grateful to whoever is responsible for this act of pure charity towards me. It won't matter how much it turns out to be. The act alone was the greatest gift. I am humbled.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
So, what is Santa going to bring you all for Christmas this year? I'm not sure what I'm getting but hopefully I will be getting better. Actually, I have improved a bit since my last post, health wise. I'm still coughing all the time but I am less congested.
Today (Monday) marks my last nuepogen injection. My doctor felt that it was unnecessary after my last chemo to go through the round of five injections since there is not another treatment to get my blood counts up for. I won't miss the horrible bone pain or flu-like symptoms that those injections gave me. I am grateful, though, for the fact that the shots kept my white blood cells at a level where I could continue treatment.
It blows my mind at the tens of thousands of dollars that all of my treatments have cost. There's no way around the expense of cancer treatment like this. While I have had problems with bills and insurance I am indeed grateful that the bulk of the expenses have been covered. That does not mean that my bills have been light. I get into a panic every time the mail comes. I will make it through the financial stuff, eventually.
Right now I just want to have a Merry Christmas and feel better. I think that is not such an unreasonable request.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Anyway, sorry about no TIGF!!! I just have not been feeling in any kind of silly mood to do that sort of thing. I need prayers and anything that you feel will bring me some healing sent my way--thoughts, and etc. I get worried that somehow I won't get over a silly cold like this. When something major is going on and then you get hit with one more thing it tends to topple you some.
I can't wait until I am through with this stuff.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I hate days where all my body can do is lay around. You start to get real tripped out. Tonight I'm a bit edgy and yet I'm too tired to do anything about it. This bugs me to no end. Anyway, I made it through the day. I thought you all would want to know.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I am now paranoid that this will delay my treatment. I didn't want this. I just want to get done for crying out loud. I feel like I am getting better, but who knows what the doctors will say. It's a bit touch and go with this stuff. Wish me luck.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I'm tired of being in pain, feeling lonely, and tired of being tired. I'm worn out. Treatment number eleven is this Wednesday. I'm going through mixed emotions about it. I'm glad that I am getting closer to the end, but I am so tired of dealing with all the nasty side effects of the chemotherapy and nuepogen injections. I am looking forward to the Holidays.
I know I just need to keep my chin up. It's just that I am really feeling it right now and it's taking its toll on me. I've come to far to give up. Cliche, I know, but it's true.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
This is the real reason Rudolph wasn't accepted by the other reindeer, those gay nose bashers. It wasn't until Santa discovered how fabulous that glowing gay disco nose was in the fog that Rudolph finally got a break. It turns out that the nose was not only fabulous, but functional. That my friends is way TIGF!!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I don't know where I'm going from here, but I'm alive. Thank you medical science. Thank you God.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
It's really hard to fall asleep over constant wooshing and banging, and then there was the wind (a-har-har). When I did finally get to sleep the first time I had a really creepy dream. In this dream there was a demonic force in my room that kept grabbing me by my feet and raising them. Sometimes I'd be lifted clean up and dangling from my ceiling. I don't think I need to tell you the fright that I had while trying to figure out if this was real or dream. I did finally wake up and figured out that the wind was the "demonic" force that had been terrorizing me.
The next dream of the night, care of the wind, was a scenario where I was married to Andie Mac Dowell (I don't care how old she is, she's still smokin'). She and I had a little family and we were moving into a new house together. This is where a psycho moving van dude comes into play. This freak comes roaring down the street, turns into the driveway and drives straight through the damn house. As he is turning around for more, I grab a huge rock and huck it through the windshield of the moving van. This only pisses the guy off even more and now he's chasing me down "Maximum Overdrive" style. I manage to make it back inside the house and I try to call 911, but none of the effin' phones work. All this time the moving van keeps plowing through the house trying to kill me. The best part of this dream is that when the cops finally show up there is no damage to the house and I get arrested for assault because I threw a rock at the guy.
I never knew that the wind could drive my subconscious so.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I'm not sure what to post about on this momentous occasion. Maybe I will talk about my dreams of becoming an astronaut. Yeah, I will be the first dude to set up shop on Mars and I will sell Indian rugs and pottery there.
No, something tells me that I should talk about my dreams of meeting Evel Knievel some day. Oh yeah, he's dead. I can still visit his grave and tell his alcoholic son Robbie that he sucks compared to his dad.
I watched the trailer for the new Rambo movie that is coming out. Laughed my ass the whole way through. I can't wait for it's release.
I was dragged to see "The Golden Compass" the other day. I think I understood one thing: Hollywood sucks. I did, however, wonder what kind of animal demon I'd have by my side: an aardvark. No one else would have that shit. They'd be all hogging birds, cougars, and other noble or cool stuff. I figure that my aardvark demon wouldn't really interfere much with my life. Plus, I'd never have ant infestations ever again.
I bumped into a girl that I really used to like today. I really used to like her, not just today. Anyway, there was some obvious catching up to do since I look like the post crack-up version of Bob Geldof from the movie "Pink Floyd's The Wall". At least he still kept the hair on his head. Oh, and my hairless nips did not get harmed from a straight razor, just plain old chemo. My story continues: She's married now and still pretty as ever. Something told me that not all was well in matrimony land, but that is her deal. She felt bad for what I've gone through, but happy to see that I'm giving a good fight. I think we both played a bit of "what if" in our heads, then we went on with our lives. Life is funny.
I think that is a suitable ending for my big 500th. Good day.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
What's the deal? I got one useless paragraph written and now I'm starting a second? Oh boy, I must be in need of something to do. This is the problem when I don't take my meds. I'm a bit jittery tonight. I tried and failed at watching "Animal House". You know things are bad when that doesn't work. My guitar just laughs at my fingers. It says, "Come play me if you dare. I'll give those sodding fingers some blisters if you come near me!" Really, my fingers are a bit sensitive lately. Watch what you say around them.
Speaking of fingers, or rather, nails, the index and middle fingernails on my left hand have been curving down in a way that reminds me of a cadaver I once saw. That is a rather morbid observation, if you ask me. I think I will trim them. I have an idea, though, as to why they have been doing this. I have been pressing them into my palm as a way to relieve stress. I've been doing a lot of strange stuff like that lately. Have you any idea the strange looks I get from slapping my ass with my feet? That takes talent, by the way.
I am a bit stressed out about Christmas this year. My money is pretty much tied up in bills and I'm still not feeling like Bruce Jenner, Carl Lewis, or Gary Coleman lately. Maybe I feel a bit like Marty Wilson from down the street. Yes, I think that is how I'm feeling right now.
Well, I'm nearing the end of this bit 'o' bibble bibble. I wonder how many goats, dogs, swallows, and other creatures of the earth have wondered if life is worth living. I have and the answer is probably yes. Anyway, have a wonderful morning/day/evening and try the turducken. It's moist!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
What's even more TIGF!!! is to keep repeating it in an exaggerated pronunciation (moxito) to people in order to impress them with your knowledge of mixed rum based drinks. Oh yeah, and it is minty too.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
You've heard of gypsy's curses, right? Well, I am here to tell you that hobo curses are just as real. I was downtown today and a hobo started walking across the road right after my light turned green. We all had to wait at our green light for this hobo to cross the damn road. I yelled out the window at the hobo and called him a stupid jerk. This is when he glared at me and set a curse upon my head. After that I hit ten red lights in a row. Stupid hobo jerk.
I've come up with the cleaning product of the future: Soylent Clean. It uses the cleaning power of people. (I can't get enough of "Soylent Green" related humor).
Okay, you've got three funny paragraphs. This is where I tell you how much I love and appreciate you guys and gals. My life has been pretty bleak in spots recently. When I find your comments to my posts in the morning it is like finding gifts laid out before me. I go in for big #10 tomorrow (or today, when most will read this). That's 10 out of 12 chemo treatments. It has been getting progressively tougher. But I know that I will get through it. I don't know what life will throw at me next, but I'm hoping that it will be something good.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Since Thursday I've been experiencing bone pain, a full body rash, a pulled groin, and a dead right arm (not from masturbating). The bone pain went away mid Friday. The rash is now only around my torso. My right arm and groin still hurt like a mofo. I went bowling with a group and I got way too into it, trying to spin 16 pound balls down the lane like a pro. I suck big time but I have fun. It was just too much for me in my condition to go at it like I did.
I look in the mirror and see how much my body has suffered from this battle. Where once were firm muscles are loose lumps. My best friend and I spent the day together on Saturday. He was telling me about Lance Armstrong's threshold for pain being much greater after having battled cancer, to which Lance and others attribute his dominance in cycling. My friend then wondered if the same would be true for me. I sat there and tried real hard to come up with an answer. I don't know.
I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal as far as pain is concerned. Most of my days are spent dealing with the effects of the chemo and nuepogen injections. I do know that the end is in sight, finally. My doctors performed more scans and tests of my body and have found that the cancer is all but gone. I still have to complete my treatments, but that gives me something to hold on to.
Despite having to fight an ugly fight I still have days where the sun is shining and I feel like singing "zippity-doo-dah" to Mr. Blue Jay on my shoulder. I think when I take it all in as a whole everything is satisfactual. I think the corn mash helps a bit.