Thursday, January 11, 2007

TIGF!!!(That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Dumbass concert goers that provoke me into violence


I went to see My Morning Jacket in concert tonight. My buddy and I got right at the very front of the stage at the club. I had a blast. Where I was positioned was where I could hear the rhythm section straight on--the only thing between me and the drum kit (Patrick Hallahan) was the bass player (Two-Tone Tommy). My friend could almost catch picks dropped from the guitarist (Carl Broemel). This is a pretty tame crowd and band as far as having to defend your real estate. This isn't like the days of Pantera and Black Flag, fighting tooth and nail to maintain your spot. Still, I'm in my thirties now and not really up to having to bother with such things anymore.

I remember being in the middle of a fight between a Hell's Angel dude and some poor hippie at an Allman Brothers concert. Fortunately, one out of four people at that concert was smoking a joint, so it was only a matter of time that the hemp-hazed atmosphere calmed these two dip shits down. I was very grateful to not be in their way anymore. It sucks being the guy having to deliver those kinds of telegrams.

I witnessed honest to goodness baby making going down during a Soundgarden concert, right next to me. It is very possible, folks. You just need zero shame and an exhibitionist's spirit, and you too can fargk in front of a crowd.

Look, I could keep on going, but I want to hit the hay. Let's discuss what occurred tonight.

Tonight was rather calm. The band was amazing. The dude right next to me was super enthusiastic, in a good way. I thought he was going to break in half, but he didn't. He was courteous enough to warn all of us around him and ask if it would be alright if he spazzed out. He turned out to my new pal for the duration of the concert. I kind of anchored him in place so he wouldn't fall over. Now, everyone was cool with this until new dipwads pushed up front and started complaining about this guy's enthusiasm. Eventually, these people would drift back.

At one point, a couple of drunk, loud girls came up behind us and just yakked and yakked about how they wanted to eff the drummer, "Like, oh my god, he's totally looking at me right now. I'm totally going to jump on stage and like eff him backstage." Like, they couldn't talk about anything else, except to complain. They weren't even into the music. I was just praying to Jesus that one of them would piss their pants or have the deluge of all periods and have to run off suddenly. When the group would play a quieter number, these two loud girls would just get louder and more vapidy yakky (Webster's, call me). Eventually, the enthusiastic dude pogoed too close to them too often, and they got scared away.

Last song: Anytime. A rude, drunk guy comes rushing up behind me and grinds right into my hip. This is the type of dude, who when asked after the show who he saw says "Budwiser", is the type of dude that is antisocial and probably on meth, has no real knowledge of the band he is seeing, and is just there to be a menace to others. Well, when he came up a second time, right into my kidneys, I stepped on his foot. This just moved him to the side and I could tell that man-made chemicals were running his brain. They weren't sending any pain info to his noggin whatsoever. I had my elbow ready and that is when the voice of Mama came to me (all you who discovered me after July 2006 don't know about Mama, but I will explain in a future post). Mama said: "Noooooo, he's just a kumquat. He isn't worth going to jail over, where they will all laugh at you and shove foreign objects up your hiney hole!" I love Mama; she's my conscience. So, I relented and just let enthusiastic dude whip his hair into rude drunk guy's corneas a few times. It actually drove him back. When the band ended the set, rude drunk guy surged one last time, and I side stepped a little to let the baby have his moment. He kept demanding the set list. The roadie gave one to enthusiastic dude and a girl next to rude drunk guy. All was right with the world. Rude drunk guy got nothing.

My Morning Jacket are great in concert. I think I said that already. Jim James, the lead singer and also guitarist, was wearing these GWAR style moon boots, a pair of toy six-shooters in hoslters, and a poncho, looking and acting every bit the wild man. The Keyboardist (Bo Koster) just kind of did his thing in the corner. The other guys were fierce and being able to look right into their eyes when they were really into it was awesome. Being able to look on the guitarist's pedal board and make comparisons to what I have that he has was fun too. This was TIGF in a good way. Yes, that redeems this post.


What funny, annoying, or other, concert experiences have you all had, that you'd want to share for TIGF?

13 comments:

Bugs said...

"the deluge of all periods"..that is an actual curse most year 8 girls carve into their school desks ;)
Concerts I have seen -waaaaay too many,coz back in MY day young man I'll have you know they were free at our Music Bowl with all the usual suspects from the then current hit parades rocking their worshippers.
*NB I am certified at 126 years old,nothing I say can be used against me in a bowl of cereal with extra fibre.

Barbarian02003 said...

I went to Birmingham to see Rubyhorse on my birthday a few years back. I ended up having a conversation with their sound tech. Afterwards he invited my husband and I to come backstage and meet the band. They were very nice and we had a great time (drinking their free beer didn't hurt, either. But these guys are Irish, so I didn't stand a chance).

We ended up on the tour bus watching half the band make out with groupies and the other half drink beer and watch porn. So this is the rock-n-roll lifestyle, eh? We ended the night around 3am with the phone number and address of the drummer. He's turned out to be a friend of ours, he sends us postcards from Ireland.

When I was much younger I went to a Social Distortion concert with a group of friends and ended up getting thrown into a dumpster. Ah, the good ol' days.

Scott said...

I have had some pretty crazy concert experiences in my day... they have always been fun in their own way, even the occasional jerk has been entertaining in their own way. Glad that you still enjoyed the music.

Karyn said...

Vapidy Yakky. I love it.

I went to see Jimmy Page & Robert Plant with a buncha friends and one girl was sooo pissed off once we got there... she thought we were going to see Robert PALMER.

One time at a Buffet concert, I was behind this yuppy snob toothpick titless bitch who did nothing but complain and whine and clap and sort of sway out of rhythm in her upper crust concert outfit. She apparently had either been for a roll in the poison ivy or had sand in her ass from a tumble on the beach or something because the whole time, Muffy Von Snob kept reaching behind her and grabbing her own ass. Possibly scratching. Possibly trying to retrieve a too small thong. I have no idea. But it was ugleeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I went to see U2 and at the time my wisdom teeth were coming in, giving me a hell of a time. A bunch of us (i was the baby of the group) were going and , ahem, there was liquor involved. I think I was 20. Maybe 19. But anyway - one of our friends suggested I dab my gums with Sambuca to dull the pain. I thought it sounded daft but nothing else was working so I tried. Suffice it to say I was the jamminest girl at the stadium that night. Or possibly any night. Ever.

All lame compared to what you've got goin on, but hey, that's what I've got.

Jules said...

I love vapidy yakky too. And when you said "drunk guy grinds into my right hip" I wasn't thinking that kind of grind. Thanks for the clarification. For a split second, I thought it really was going to be a That's Incredibly Gay Friday!

somewhere joe said...

I went to scores of concerts in NY when I lived there. Saw Jefferson Starship a long time ago... I think I lost half my hearing at that concert. No inadvertent grinds or gropes however, from nearby strangers, sorry to say. No advertent ones either.

Scary Monster said...

Me once actually fell asleep halfway through an AC/DC concert. It pissed off me GF at the time and freaked out all those around around me. On the bus ride home people kept asking me iffin Me enjoyed the show.

Photogirl said...

I can happily say that most of my concert experiences have been quite pleasant.

My favorite show to date: Coldplay.

Scariest moment: being stuck in a Green Day mosh pit.

Sun Follower said...

I've been curious about MMJ for a while - nice review from a musical p\erson :)

Spacecake said...

I've never been to a concert in my life.

Well, not a real one :)

Bace Man said...

My favorite concert was Rush, Vapor Trails tour, stage right, 6th row, all the way at the end of the row...Geddy Lee could have spit on us if he wanted. I watched Geddy's hands all night, he's an amazing bassist.

Christielli said...

Oh, I've had many concert experiences... but your post has made me think about some terms that my best-concert-going pal and I use:

1) Beer-hoister - that'd be the rude drunk guy. Basically they hoist their beer all of the freakin' time.

2) Concert-going-rage (CGR) - I get this whenever someone tall stands in front of me, spills their drink on me, or talks while the band is on. I'm a purist; I go to the concert for the music and get very very grumpy at people who don't.

Oh, here's a good song line that goes through my head whenever I see idiots at a concert "It's not the band I hate, it's the fans". This is from the song "Coax Me" by an awesome Cdn band Sloan.

The Grunt said...

Bugs~ I hear that extra fiber is good for you. All of your 126 years must have been good ones. I am an old soul.

Barbarian~ That's cool you got to actually meet, then make friends with one of the band members. Rock stars are an interesting bunch.

Scott~ Yeah, in the end I would say that I have not encountered any punk that I could not handle or laugh at afterwards.

Karyn~ I saw Page & Plant as well. That was quite the concert. Jamming girls are always fun.

Jules~ Yeah, it wasn't a good type of grind. Loud drunk girls wouldn't help me out, either.

Joe~ That sucks. Hopefully the music made up for it. I always liked Mickey Thomas' voice when he sang with Elvin Bishop. Man, that guy needs to be thirty years younger and on American Idol. He would clean house. Not a huge Starship fan, though, but I like the "Plane". Well, early Starship had some cool songs.

SM~ What? You fell asleep through AC/DC??? What kind of monster rock gets you moving?

Celeste~ I used to be all about "The Pit". I can do a sick imitation of a dude doing a lawnmower. I, of course, do not really do those things in public.

Sun~ I think you'd like them. BTW, this post was linked by the MMJ forum. I feel all Special K...really.

Spacecake~ Imaginary concerts can be a blast. I imagine that in Finland you can catch some really sick metal bands. I have a side of me that gets off on that stuff.

Bace Man~ Welcome to Grunt Ahoy! Did you realize that one of my all time favorite bands is Rush? I see them every time they come to town. I concur, the Vapor Trails/30th Anniversary Tour really blew any other concert I'd been to that year, as well as pushing into my top five. I have so many Rush concerts to choose from, though.

Christielli~ I really like your concert-goer terminology. You also like some real cool music.