Brought to you by the effects of Stockholm Syndrome from holding myself hostage for so many years.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
TIGF!!!(That's Incredibly Gay Friday): Dumbass concert goers that provoke me into violence
I went to see My Morning Jacket in concert tonight. My buddy and I got right at the very front of the stage at the club. I had a blast. Where I was positioned was where I could hear the rhythm section straight on--the only thing between me and the drum kit (Patrick Hallahan) was the bass player (Two-Tone Tommy). My friend could almost catch picks dropped from the guitarist (Carl Broemel). This is a pretty tame crowd and band as far as having to defend your real estate. This isn't like the days of Pantera and Black Flag, fighting tooth and nail to maintain your spot. Still, I'm in my thirties now and not really up to having to bother with such things anymore.
I remember being in the middle of a fight between a Hell's Angel dude and some poor hippie at an Allman Brothers concert. Fortunately, one out of four people at that concert was smoking a joint, so it was only a matter of time that the hemp-hazed atmosphere calmed these two dip shits down. I was very grateful to not be in their way anymore. It sucks being the guy having to deliver those kinds of telegrams.
I witnessed honest to goodness baby making going down during a Soundgarden concert, right next to me. It is very possible, folks. You just need zero shame and an exhibitionist's spirit, and you too can fargk in front of a crowd.
Look, I could keep on going, but I want to hit the hay. Let's discuss what occurred tonight.
Tonight was rather calm. The band was amazing. The dude right next to me was super enthusiastic, in a good way. I thought he was going to break in half, but he didn't. He was courteous enough to warn all of us around him and ask if it would be alright if he spazzed out. He turned out to my new pal for the duration of the concert. I kind of anchored him in place so he wouldn't fall over. Now, everyone was cool with this until new dipwads pushed up front and started complaining about this guy's enthusiasm. Eventually, these people would drift back.
At one point, a couple of drunk, loud girls came up behind us and just yakked and yakked about how they wanted to eff the drummer, "Like, oh my god, he's totally looking at me right now. I'm totally going to jump on stage and like eff him backstage." Like, they couldn't talk about anything else, except to complain. They weren't even into the music. I was just praying to Jesus that one of them would piss their pants or have the deluge of all periods and have to run off suddenly. When the group would play a quieter number, these two loud girls would just get louder and more vapidy yakky (Webster's, call me). Eventually, the enthusiastic dude pogoed too close to them too often, and they got scared away.
Last song: Anytime. A rude, drunk guy comes rushing up behind me and grinds right into my hip. This is the type of dude, who when asked after the show who he saw says "Budwiser", is the type of dude that is antisocial and probably on meth, has no real knowledge of the band he is seeing, and is just there to be a menace to others. Well, when he came up a second time, right into my kidneys, I stepped on his foot. This just moved him to the side and I could tell that man-made chemicals were running his brain. They weren't sending any pain info to his noggin whatsoever. I had my elbow ready and that is when the voice of Mama came to me (all you who discovered me after July 2006 don't know about Mama, but I will explain in a future post). Mama said: "Noooooo, he's just a kumquat. He isn't worth going to jail over, where they will all laugh at you and shove foreign objects up your hiney hole!" I love Mama; she's my conscience. So, I relented and just let enthusiastic dude whip his hair into rude drunk guy's corneas a few times. It actually drove him back. When the band ended the set, rude drunk guy surged one last time, and I side stepped a little to let the baby have his moment. He kept demanding the set list. The roadie gave one to enthusiastic dude and a girl next to rude drunk guy. All was right with the world. Rude drunk guy got nothing.
My Morning Jacket are great in concert. I think I said that already. Jim James, the lead singer and also guitarist, was wearing these GWAR style moon boots, a pair of toy six-shooters in hoslters, and a poncho, looking and acting every bit the wild man. The Keyboardist (Bo Koster) just kind of did his thing in the corner. The other guys were fierce and being able to look right into their eyes when they were really into it was awesome. Being able to look on the guitarist's pedal board and make comparisons to what I have that he has was fun too. This was TIGF in a good way. Yes, that redeems this post.
What funny, annoying, or other, concert experiences have you all had, that you'd want to share for TIGF?