Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Tell me what you nose

Can you turn off the lights, wear oven mitts, moon boots, and get around a dwelling on smell alone? Can you identify people based on smell only? There is a lady at work that I can tell where she's been without any other evidence than smell. It isn't a rank odor, nor is it especially appealing, just an odor that is unique. Other than that, I have on occasion tried to lay back and take in the odors of my surroundings. In this exercise one must try to analyze all the different elements of the total olfactory experience. I can do this better with taste, it seems.

Laying down in freshly cut lawn is one that is easy. You can separate the lawn from the leaves, flower beds, and trees. If the lawn mower is nearby, then that is something that is conspicuous enough to be singled out. There is a difference in smell depending on the type of snow fall, I have observed. Wet snow smells, well, wet, and powder snow has a whiff of salty dryness to it, similar to the smell of an electrical storm but not as strong.

Anything petroleum has a distinct bottom end that is the common DNA, if you will. But, ninety-weight gear oil smells much earthier than regular motor oil. Used ninety-weight smells so unusually bad, it can actually make you gag--it is a real penetrating smell that grabs your gut hard. I am a connoisseur of mechanical smells. I can tell the difference between a light ballast burning out and regular electrical burn. I know the different auto fluid smells with precision. I know the smell of molten Zinc too well. I once got a blast of it in the face from a galvanizing gun and it made me very ill. I will never forget that feeling and that smell. Speaking of metals, coins have distinct smells, and tastes. Anybody else suck on pennies as a kid? I did, and I also chewed on lead fishing weights. Yes, there are numerous reasons for me being effed up around the bend and behind the ear, my friends.

I believe that wet wipes are essential to modern hygene. Clean it up down there, fer god's sake! As far as myself, good pit stick coverage and a neutral soap is what I tend to like. I have a body odor that does not need much embellishing. My skin hates cologne in heavy doses, so I stay away from that if I can. Generally, I tend to keep myself clean, and figure that my smell only needs a few accents. That is fortunate. Some people really need help with that. For example, anyone that smells like ass. If you have eliminated any outside factor for you smelling like ass, and still smell like ass, God must really want you to live a life of solitude. Also, those that choose to hide their ass smell with the Irish bath technique, please: You know, you are not making things better for yourself and those surrounding you. Ass and Brut should only be experienced in prison. Do us a favor and wipe.

A coach once told the class I was in about how to shower. This is important stuff, so listen up. After getting your body thoroughly wet, turn the water off (water conservation), then lather your body up with the soap. Let the suds from the soap stand for about two to three minutes. Think of something constructive to do with these few minutes. I figure you can think about lawn care, the mahogany bookshelf that needs polishing, or boat maintenance. Yes, there is a lot that you can think about while masturbating in the shower. Okay, you have waited for the suds to do their work. What have they been doing all of this time, you say? Well, the soap has been loosening up the dirt and oils from your pores, something that scrubbing alone will not accomplish without damage to the skin, and even still it will not do what our friend soap can do. You just need to give that friend a chance. So, you have let the suds do their thing, now you can give your whole body a scrub and then exfoliate with a loofah. Make sure to get behind your ears and up your crack. A fellow blogger, JJ Mc Fatty exposed me to the term "balloon knot" as a way of describing the asshole. So, people that stink of ass, get around that balloon knot a few times. Think of Mama Bush while you do that--it's patriotic! After all this you can turn the water on and rinse yourself 100% clean.

Holy crap! This post wandered around like it was God's chosen people running from the Egyptians to the promised land. Feel free to say anything about smells, good, bad, nostagic, whatever. Beautiful smells, mouth watering smells, erotic smells, how do you get your smell on? Could you live without smell? Even though there are plenty of bad smells out there to fuss about, what smells turn you on the most? What smells inspire you? I can tell you that women's hair is what I notice the most as far as smells that turn me on (all together now, "creep").


vera said...

**pressed face powder by Cover Girl© reminds me of my grandmother. what a great smell...
**you may have read about my obsession with the smell of crude oil... in addition to that there is also glycol and varsol...
**hot cinnamon made my tummy growl
**green tea oil
**freshly washed bedsheets
**baked bread
**there's something about long hair, whether it be a man's or a woman's that, when it smells good, you just want to bury your head in it and never leave...
**a man's chest... something about it is unmistakably virile...
**the top of my dog's noses... not only is it soft, but each has it's own scent and makes me coo... some people get all gooey over mini-humans... i get gooey over dogs...
**large bodies of fresh water
**minty fresh breath
**the smell of fresh cut wood and sawdust reminds me of my grandpa...
**the smell of whiskey breath reminds me of my "other grandpa"... bluch

sorry, this comment turned into a mini-post for me...

i will not comment for a month now... as penance for me, reprieve for you...


Scott said...

Not too sure about any special scents that I can identify. Although I can pick out the wood and fruit scents from wine... strange.

Oh and here here on the wet wipes! I told a friend about that the other day and he thought it was too bizarre.


somewhere joe said...

I'm not wild about the odors surrounding animal life, human beings included... my personal hygiene is generally aimed at erasing it, and replacing it, like everybody else, with something slightly herbal or spicey.

Smells I like: country rain, a leather baseball glove, flowers, gingerbread, charcoal-grilled steak...

Christielli said...

Some guys smell really really really good. I'm not quite sure how they do it, I'd quite frankly keep it a mystery. I like that smell.

Other than that, I do enjoy the smell of cinammon buns, chocolate, and a brand new stylish leather handbag.

blog Portland said...

The smell/taste of pennies reminds me of an extremely unfortunate incident I had with a drunken co-ed in college.

And now I need a shower.

Scary Monster said...

Burning leaves in Autumn.
Evergreens during an afternoon stroll in the forest.
Strong coffee in the morning.
Me farts under the covers at night.

That's what smells be made of.

Anonymous said...

All I know is that after PE, my students always smell like onions, thus prompting my annual "Axe body spray is not shower substitute" speech.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

I have a super sensative sense of smell. A bad smell will wake me up from a deep sleep, no kidding. And because of my keen sense I, too, prefer the clean smell over a strong cologne. I use a nice smelling body wash when I shower and good smelling shampoo since wearing too strong a perfume will give me a severe headache. I also prefer my man (when there is one) to have that clean smell over that Polo scent.

I smell everything. My brother makes fun of me because I sniff my food, new things from the store, and my clothes when I take them out of the dryer.

Smells I like...campfire (but only in camp; I hate when that smell follows me home), coffee, the mountains in spring and fall, my bed (because I always take a shower before bed and my bed smells like a fresh shower), Bath and Body Works Moonlight Path bodywash, fresh cut fruit, clothes out of the dryer, winter air when a cold front first moves through, and baked goods.

Karyn said...

I'm with Outdoorsy on the hyper-smell. My family jokes that they could rent me out to the K9 unit and have me sniff luggage at the airport. Seriously - I got a wicked sniffer on me. I can pick out the oak flavour in my favourite cab-sav, and I can totally tell if my guy has a cold by the way he smells. It's true.

#1 erotic smell -smoke from a wood fire ... after that... leather... Man Smell... I dont know what it is but flippin' YUM...

nostalgia - gasoline / inner tubes in the sun remind me of my grandparents basement... aquanet hairspray and cigars remind me of the other grandparents..

bad smells - bleach. reminds me of the nursing home & dialysis center my father went to

happy smells - grass (both kinds), cinnamon, sizing in new clothes, suntan lotion, the ocean, rain, steaks fired up on the grill

I love to smell clean and fresh ie: from the shower, but after a while, that fades so it is nice to have a scent to rely upon as long as it isn't Gag-o-riffic.

I could spend all day (night) on this so I better stop because I think I just hijacked your comment section...

Karyn said...

Oh. Love the smell of them thar babies, too. Once they're wiped free of their primordial goo, and poop free generally, I could sniff them all day.

Could not live without smell. Would perish.

Recently discovered how much eating SUCKS when you cannot taste due to the inability to smell.

And for the record, if you said that women's FEET was what you noticed the most as far as smells that turn you on, or any number of other assorted unlovely unmentionables, then THAT might be creepy... but hair? Naw. That's nice.

Queue_t said...

Coffee in the morning- a smell to be nostalgic over

vannilla in anything

breakfast bacon especially- reminds me of my dad at home

shallimar perfume, my mom

I love the smell of the angellica wine we use for comunion at my church- being on the alter guild i get to smell it all by myself about once a month LOL

I like clean hair, and good smelling children fresh from a bath.

as for me- I try to smell nice- I wash in the suds and sit theory too- wait for the soap bubbles to do thier work. then rince really well, I learned about layering sent so I use a product line that has body wash, lotion and a light spray to finish smelling good- current fave is vanilla bean noel- bath and body works, has a cookie and coconut smell ( i have been told I smell good enough to eat!! )

stinky dog is one of my least favorite smells

thats about it for now- QT

Photogirl said...

Smell turn on: a slight hint of nice cologne on my man's neck.

Smell turn off: stale coffee breath. ew!

Smell nostalgia: campfire smoke.

Delicious smell: fresh baked banana bread.

Bugs said...

The same as Outdoorsy Girl and Karyn - I've got a hypersensitive nose...might be from working in nursing homes and hospitals for years...or just too many damn Dutch Ovens under the doona from the ex.
I can pick what someone's eaten by their breath at 30 paces and trust me this is NOT a good thing when dealing with dogs,kids and drunk family court judges(long story,ugly sight)!

NYD said...

Hey Grunt- I'd have to say that cigarettes are top on my list at the moment!!! LOL (seriously)
OK aromas that really get me going:
Tatami mats (brand new)
Play doh.
The little paper cups that seperate the chocolates in a Whitman's sampler.
My wife.
Smells that make me want to run away:
people who wear too much cologne or perfume.
Burning flesh and hair (don't ask)
Cat piss.
Cesspool vacuum trucks. Whew!!!
and the worst of the worst someone else's farts under the covers.

Logophile said...

I commented on this post right after Vera, where the **** did my comment go??
******* Blogger!

Bace Man said...

Hey Grunt, Cant live without smell. Would go berzerk if I couldnt smell that certain perfume that drives me crazy, or the smell of steak or burgers on the grill, or wood passing through the table saw or router.
(Inhale) Ahhh!


Issy said...

Hi Grunt! Long time no post! Sorry guy. . . I've been way swamped.
I loved your post. Because I live on a farm, I get to smell all kinds of goofy stuff. The chicken coupe is NOT a good smell but all of our tomato plats growing outside is a great smell. Knowing the smell only specific to a loved one, my honey, my littlest and my oldest.
My fav though is the smell of snow. Anyone smell that before? I also agree with Scott. Being the vino freak that I am, I can tell if a wine has been barrel aged or galvanized and don't get me started on the different types of fruit before you actually taste. . . yum! Now I want to go out and buy a bottle of Three Brothers Tattoo wine! (don't ask!)

Karyn said...

Issy, I can totally smell snow! And chickens- blecch. Sawdust! Yum!

Grunt, I love this post.

Scary Monster said...

The smell of victory. ya know, Me talkin' bout napalm in the morning.

goldennib said...

I love lavendar. It smells like clean to me. Small babies just out of the bath smell secure.

I'll need to do your experiment now. As you described various smells I could remember them.

And you know, it is amazing in this day and age, how many people do not know how to shower and get rid of ass smell.

Keshi said...

Grunty that pic made me go "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" lol!

Smells I like...body scent of a clean n hunky guy ;-), hot bread, roses, brandy, fresh air, green green grass and incense sticks.


Chandra said...

You have a way of making smell turn into something x rated.... that's pure talent haha. What are your suggestions for those of us with hard water and only have 5 minutes to shower and not enough time to ensue that the pores/oils have been cleaned from every orpheus of our bodies? Car fresh scent trees?

I care wet wipes on me ALL the time, and hand sanatizer, people can be icky and you can never been too prepared.No my purse is not the size of a tackle box... yet. They work awesome to get makeup off when you've had a coyote ugly night and just can't get your ass to the sink to actually wash it. As well they are awesome for camping...

Most people can tell the difference very well but I love the smell of campfire.... not smoking... campfire. I love Hugo Boss the original scent, if I can sniff it out like a dog... so pathetic. Yes it's totally true snow does smell... I woke up last night and knew it was snowing.

So just out of curiousity what kind of shampoo do you use? what kind do you like on women?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Hmm. I think I'll try that way to shower. I always lather up with the water coming down ... we'll see how ti works!

Sun Follower said...

Olfactory sense is the greatest sense EVER - it transcends space and time.

Crystal said...

if someone plays with my nipples it makes me happy.

then incredibly thirsty.

Jules said...

Holy crap, Grunty - are you ever getting to be popular! ;OP I've probably missed the boat on this one, sorry I'm so late BTW, but my favorite smells include Hawiian Tropic Sunscreen, Baby, Freshly mowed lawn, and Lake.