Friday, January 05, 2007

TIGF!!! (That's Incredibly Gay Friday): The Atari 2600 Joystick Handjob

I can't recall how many of these I gave in my childhood, but I am thinking it must be somewhere in the neighborhood of 12,000. Now, let me explain: I did not go out giving hand jobs to dudes like I was trying for the high score on Asteroids. No, I am talking about the love between a developing young boy and his video game's genitalia.

The thing that was so great about the Atari joy stick was how fast you could hit that little red button while working the shaft. It was so thoughtful too. It did not ask you to swallow anything over 8-bits and never blew its load in your face. Let's not forget to mention that the Atari joystick always had a rubber on for safe gaming; that is, until you got way too excited and ripped it off during a day-long tournament of Pitfall and Chopper Command, or as I like to call it, "Tantric Gaming".

You know, I think I learned a lot about myself from my Atari Joystick. When Nintendo came along with flashier games and better graphics, the joystick kind of went away. It was all buttons, but that turned out to be quite the tutorial too. Now that I have knowledge of Joysticks and buttons, I feel that my life is much richer, even though I don't play them much anymore.

In the spirit of TIGF, I would like you all to share your own gay gaming stories, memories, etc. Has anyone climaxed when hearing the intro to Galaga, or came simultaneously to the alien's landing on Space Invaders? I know for a fact that I was aroused by Metroid. I mean, who wouldn't be all hot and bothered at the sight of Samus Aran without all that armor on? Rawr!

Okay, all y'all get your TIGF geek on.


Pokey said...

I am so proud that you said "blow its load". That Grunt, was freaking beautiful!

Scary Monster said...

Sticks and buttons. Me likes the sound of that! Grabbin that joystick so many times...Is that how ya got the nickname Grunt???

NYD said...

The only Atari I ever had was the very first one that came out and there was no way a human ever got a sexual rise out of that machine.
Had to wait untill I got my play station and discovered Laura Croft.

somewhere joe said...

And what a breakthrough it was to discover how much better it worked with a little oil. Then I thought, with true adolescent depravity hmm, what if...

Shafts and buttons - yep, made the transition to bigger and better things so much easier. Big head start on using the gearshift and tuner in my first car.

Logophile said...

You know, the new joysticks are much more responsive. You should consider giving them another try.
Don't be so closeminded now that you've discovered a love of buttons.

blog Portland said...

I used to scream God's name out loud during Missile Command.

Christielli said...

lol glad you and your joystick have so many good memories

Bugs said...

LOL as they say - a boy and his toy will never be parted,he'll just go blind playing with his joystick and Space Invaders.

Barbarian02003 said...

I don't know what game console it was, but my parents bought the one where you got a gun and could shoot the little white square off the TV screen. I loved that gun, loved it! I took that big, long, heavy, Dirty Harry gun in my hand and used it so long and so fast that I ripped the cord out of it's butt. Ah, good times.

vea said...

the most disturbing atari game to watch someone play is "decathalon"...

Karyn said...

I choked on my drink reading this.

It will never ask you to swallow anything over 8 bits... holy God, I think I hurt myself laughing ... hilarious.

We had one of these too, and while I am now shuddering to think of the homoerotic implications of my brother jacking that thing off all day on the weekends, I now realize that this is where I got my introduction to the art of stick-handling. Thanks, Atari.

Good one, Grunt. Good one.

cindra said...

Well, fortunately, with the 360s and playstations it's all buttons now,, you know...that'll be good for the developing girls someday as well. guys can focus on buttons instead of sticks. yeah.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

huh Huh Huh (Laughing in best Beavis and Butthead style) You said joystick! Huh Huh Huh! I sometimes still call it a joystick, but I'm not referring to the Atari.

But yes...I, too, had plenty of practice familiarizing myself with the male anatomy while playing Asteroids and Vanguard.

Maybe that's why all those jerks I sometimes bitch about on my blog keep coming back! I'm an expert with the joystick. Huh Huh Huh. I said joystick. :D

Gentleman-hobbs said...

Witty. Katy Welladd wants one she reckons it will be much better than seeting her mobile to vibrate and then calling herself from her home phone.

Amazing thing a computer goes from a work tool to a source of entertainmment at the opening of a window.

goldennib said...

I have never been good at video games. Does that say something bad about me?

Photogirl said...

LOL. awesome.

Jules said...

OMG, I played Pitfall until my fingers bled. I had lots of joystick practice.

LindzyPinzy said...

omg you are funny...I used to love the Goonies game on Atari I also have fond memories of other games such as Bruce Lee, frogger(i think thats what it was called), and what was that one where you flew that little plane and had to hit things it wasnt asteriods , some other would fly through stars and such..i loved that game

Mayden's Voyage said...

Grunt- you are a riot! :)

We never had electronic games as kids...except for the piece of crap thing that had Pong on it! And that joy stick was TINY- pathetic really...

The most exiting "gaming" experience for was learning to beat boys at Gin Rummy.

Hmmm- I wonder if I can get one of those joysticks now on ebay???
LOL :)

The Grunt said...

Pokey~ I am all about the beautiful.

SM~ Well, if I didn't get my name that way it surely would make for a great story.

NYD~ Yes, the 2600 wasn't as cool as what came out in the '90s and now, but that was all we had back then, along with Intellivision, one that I can't remember the name of, and Colecovision.

Joe~ Yes, these skills are transferable and it is a glorious thing, my friend.

Logo~ Preach it, sister!

JJ~ You and me both. Although, the arcade version had a rollerball controller. It was also sexy.

Christielli~ Yes, those memories make my eyes all dewy.

Bugs~ Where are ya? I can't see you!

Barbarian~ Now that is nasty.

Vera~ Yeah, I almost forgot about that one. LOL!

Karyn~ Yes, I don't know if I can be involved innocently anymore in hardcore gaming. I know better now.

Cindra~ Women around the world rejoice!

O-Girl~ Dude! I like so totally played Vanguard.

G-Hobbs~ Yes, it is amazing. I wonder how Ben Franklin would have taken to all of this.

Nessa~ No, you just skipped the simulator and went straight on to the real thing.

Celeste~ Awesome is my calling card.

Jules~ I bet all that practice cums in handy.

Lindzy~ I loved the Bruce Lee video game. You have to kick all those lanterns down and beat the crap out of all these baddies. Then, when you reach the end, all it does is makes the screen flash different colors. WTF?

Cora~ Yeah, I can vaguely remember Pong. My generation got the Nintendo, but I got to play my brother's Atari.

Keshi said...

ahh those early Joystick days! :)

I was different...loved playing with dolls LOL! played cricket with the boys. Went bike-riding and fought with the boys. Used to play so gay video games but later became addicted to PS! One night I thought I'd die from PS mania. Then I gave up.


LindzyPinzy said...

yah wtf is right haha and Jules, I loved Pitfall!!!

all this talk makes me want to find the old atari floppy disk games we prob. have stored away somewhere, I hope my dad kept them.

Sapphire said...

Good words.

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