Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Tuesday's Tips for Teens: Ungooktu and Teaktee party hard!

Hello teens!

Today's "Triple T" will be more of a field trip of sorts. You get to come along with me into the rain forest and see how the natives do, yo!

I was out in the Amazon minding my own business, when all of a sudden I hear the dopest beats coming from a thicket of bushes. I found these two guys rapping on top of some tribal drums, about killing panthers, stealing other tribes ho's and biatches and snorting something they call "Vine of the Dead", or ayahuasca. How did I know that this is what it was? Well, for starters, I believe in myself and that I can do anything, if I put my mind to it. So, I put my mind to it and believed that I could speak perfect Quechua. I am also familiar with Alan Ginsberg's "The Yage Letters". I have always dug going on psychotropic benders, so I indulged in a bit of the "vine".

After some time communing with the spirits of the dead, some good, most evil, I was in need of some purging. That yage certainly cleans you out. I felt like if I were to have fallen asleep, I'd have pulled a "Spud" and crapped my bed, or my pile of leaves. Whatever.... "Trainspotting" was a totally brill film, though. I thought to myself: Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could show these guys that scene where the dead baby is climbing the ceiling and crying? That would freak the hell outta them right now! Not to mention that Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" would have been a great song for all of us to start dancing to. But, I forgot my V-Pod. Wait, I don't have one yet. Drat!

The next thing that I know, these hot native biatches from the tribe just down the way (East side, y'all...holla!) came up to us and started making fun of my complexion. They said that the only way they'd be down wit me is if I killed them each two monkeys. I have always been good with a blow gun, and I always have some curare handy, just in case of emergencies like this. So, I prepped my darts with some curare and headed out wit da boyz to pop one in some damn butt monkey's ass. Sheeeit, boy, those monkeys were hella fast! But, we triumphed and headed to our biatches with our heads held high and our blow guns at attention. Except...

I was having some problems. Everything is so public here. I got a bit nervous and, well, my blowgun was a bit blown out. My boy, Ungooktu, had my back. He gave me some great stuff called, Muria Puama. He just called it "Whaaaaaheyhey!" I was partying in no time. We used "banana leaves", k? Gosh, I'm not a friggin' rube!

It was about this time that my biatch was not wanting to leave and it was getting awkward. Teaktee came over and saved me. He was being such a cock-blocker before, with all his yelling at my monkeys--couldn't get a damn shot. Now, he distracted this biatch with fresh panther musk and promises of a large grass hut on the riverside. I was more than happy to leggo my biatch to "Tea-boi". He is totally into polygamy, so he was more than happy to oblige.

Overall, the partying in the jungle forest was epic. We went on like this for a whole week. In fact, I don't think that they do much of anything else.



goldennib said...

You lead such an exciting life. I'd like to travel.

vera said...

And this, kids, is why you don't go to raves.

Jules said...

Wait a minute! I think I had this dream last night!

Logophile said...

banana leaves are so passe.

The Grunt said...

I have been terrible at replying lately. I will make amends.

Nessa~ Yeah, I go on plenty of "imagination" vacations. In fact, I'm standing outside your office right now giving you a thumbs up for being cool and standing up for peace. That would have sounded uber creepy if I didn't add that last part.

Vera~ So true. These guys were sorted out for E's and Whiz, but in their own indeginous way.

Jules~ You just need to stop having all these dreams about monkeys. Have you tried Scientology?

Logo~ I don't go anywhere without a banana leaf in my wallet.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Next party I go to, it will definitely be in the jungle!

Clearlykels said...

look out for the guys wearing the big cloths-- they are just compensating.

Kayla said...

Panther musk gets me every time.

goldennib said...

Grunty: Was that you? You should have said hi. It was peace day, I wouldn't have shot you today.

Thomas said...

Hey, I am back blogging.

Scott said...

See, now that is what I am talking about.. that is the kind of trip that I need to get on.


The Grunt said...

O-girl~ New Guinea is where it's at, now. The Amazon is so yesterday's post.

Kels~ It is so true, isn't it?

Kayla~ Panther musk is powerful stuff. Now if only I could find a way to get it without hurting the panther and maiming myself in the process.

Nessa~ I saw you working so hard and decided that I would just get in the way. Besides, you were in the middle of reading my blog. That is more important.

Thomas~ You rock, man. Seriously, you are an all-star blogger. I am glad that you are back. I hope you show up here more often, too.

Scott~ I'm all about getting down with the natives. You will get that river trip that you were planning. Only, this time you will have a kayak full of yage and native hotties at your service!