Monday, November 27, 2006

Something floating in my brain

There are a lot of good ways to be bad and a lot of bad ways to be good. But, mostly, between my right shoulder blade and my spine, it feels like someone has stabbed me and it hurts to type. Funny thing is that lifting heavy stuff doesn't hurt that much. Anything hunched over with my hands close together kills like a mofo.

This week I will be focusing on concise posts, in order to give my body some rest. I still need to build an amplifier for somebody, but I did manage to complete a master CD after I determined that the magic studio elves don't come with my cheesy recording equipment. I still have one more to do, but it will be easy. It is funny how messed up something you love can get. All you want to do is run away from it. The disappointment when something doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to after so many long hours of work is just too much. I soldiered on, "glued" my fingers to the faders and tried my damnedest to keep everything dialed in. It sounds better , but not how I envisioned it. I either get brittle top end, or mud.

These are just some annoyances that I have had this past month. The major stuff is still in the air. My nephew had a second blood transfusion and seemed to benefit from it. The doctors are still stumped, though. My sister, the mother of this boy, is at that point where they will probably lose their home. It's funny how this major stuff just kind of goes all white and I just sit there, unflinching. I don't know what to think anymore. We're good people. Lots of bad stuff happens to good people. I don't question why anymore. It never seemed to be a question that had an answer, or got you anywhere for asking. Bad stuff will happen and there is no need to flog yourself over any of it. There is not a cosmic connection here. I am not denying God. I believe in God whole heartedly, but really, I have a hard time thinking that God would take time out of his schedule to make you suffer or whatever, when God has all this miracle stuff going on.

Think about it for a second. God has something bad happen then waits for the opportunity for you to send him the "Bat" signal for help or a miracle. Sounds like a canned blessing to me, or something Eddie Haskel would do to the Beaver, a trick or something worse: job security. Maybe that is exactly how it is. Maybe we are talking about a man, that according to some religions, created his own enemies--natural man. So, he puts his enemies on this planet, then messes with them, does some magic tricks, then some of those enemies figure that they are willing to go against their nature in order to see more abra cadabra and maybe even get to see the Vegas show when their shift on earth is over. Wow, did God rub his hands together thinking up all of this? This is a kid with an ant farm. I don't feel like it was fair boiling it down to that, but I certainly feel that any window dressing put on that is what would pass for a religion.

Okay, I am not knocking God, rather, what people have conceived him to be. I don't think that God has given my sister's family a trial. That is something popular to say around here in Utah, because it's like putting Christmas tree lights on the cross you bear: God is paying me special attention by giving me this challenge. Really? God flipped through his omnipresent Rolodex and determined that you were due for a lesson? Shit, if that is how it works, and we should be thankful, then the Jews must really have had a windfall in the Holocaust.

One thing I have learned is that I am never thankful for the opposition, rather, the strength that I am given and the opportunity for the challenge. I respect the opposition and try to understand what happens to me, good or bad, when enduring and overcoming it. The trials happen. Bad stuff happens. Maybe some of it is prevented by God, and sometimes it is allowed to happen. But, I have never felt like he creates it: It is self generating and has been ever since God took the universe and defined it, so to speak. What was before light and dark? Was Good and Evil one cell that divided in two? If, then, God exists only on one side of the cell, how is he whole? What is going on behind the scenes between God and Satan? What reward does a son of the morning receive for playing a necessary part in the script?

Lets face it, according to mainstream religions, evil is necessary, yet we are to shun it. So, why is it here in the first place and who put it there, who conceived of it? The being who took a mass of gray and sorted out the light from the dark is the conceiver, the creator, yet what do we see? So, being in a gray world, we are in a way deity separating the elements into dark and light--a collaborative effort as well as individual, yet on-going. It seems that the notion of simple Good and simple Evil was a device that made morality easier to swallow, a template, and I am fine with that. I can't imagine what it would be like to try to teach a three-year-old kid about gray areas. However, I kind of have a hard time with people that insist on carrying on the "Santa Claus" routine 24/7.

I know that I have trials. I know that bad stuff happens. I am suspect to whether my nephew's outcome is determined on whether I looked at a girl in a lustful manner, but I have been assured that is a truth by many people. I honestly am grateful for the blessings of doctors, who may have been blessed to be doctors by God. I am also open to any other blessings that God sees fit to bestow upon me. I am grateful for all my blessings. But, I will not be one to think that I have to be good in order to get the "present" I want for whatever screwed up Christmas that comes from trials like this. I am one to do good and be good, because that is how I choose to live my life.

I know that I will not always have an easy or happy ride, but it is the path where I see the ultimate rewards coming--good is it's own reward. I don't do it to get kickbacks or as a ransom. Anyone that does, needs to evaluate what morality they actually have, because some religions sure sound an awful lot like a credit card company in reverse--you may not get it now, but be good little girls and boys and you will get it after you die! Also, getting now, damn the consequences, is not so great either. Which leads us back to that big sea of gray: reality. Our perception is the only way to sail to a safe harbor. If living a fantasy of absolutes does it for you, fine, but it doesn't work for me. I don't suppose that living in the gray helps me much, either. So, I put on my kaleidoscope eyes and eat marshmallow pies. That seems to get me through.


Scott said...

Very intense stuff. First off, and most importantly, I wish your nephew and your sister and her family all the best!

I like what you have to say about God/Religion there. I have always had a really hard time believing in some omnipotent god sitting there deciding what is going to happen to us individually. Too out there for me.


Jules said...

Healthy wishes for your family and you, Grunty. And I hope it's at least *safe sailing* in your turbulent waters. We all struggle for smooth sailing and hardly ever get it, but at the very least I hope your journey is safe.


Karyn said...

I'm glad your nephew is improving. I'm sorry about your sister.
I can relate. But this isn't about me.

The questions are endless. We're never meant to have the answers.

It's a lot to grapple with, all the shit on your plate just now. But first and foremost, go get that back / pain thingy checked out; you could have pleuresy or a collapsed lung lobe or it could just be a pulled muscle, but don't screw around with it.

Let us know... and know you are thought of, fondly, by so many...

Issy said...

Grunt. I knew I liked you for a reason! You and I work in the same industry. For a female, knowing about an amp board and audio crap isn't really heard of. Even the small amount of lingo you threw out, I understood; I hear it every day in the office.

As far as the whole God thing is concerned, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and a purpose. Most of the time I'm not happy with a lot of the outcomes but then again, it's not my choice to care. If it was, then things would be different. Right now I think that God is teaching your sister's family the valuable lesson of being strong. It's a sucky lesson but a very important building block of being a useful and resourceful human being. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but I hope it helps you out.

Sun Follower said...

Someone once told me that things are never as great as we think they are nor are they as bad... except when we are in the thick of the situation and we worry and our hearts ache. Life is both good and bad - happy and sad - tragic and magical. We have to embrace it all.

Keep all the positive and healing thoughts for your family going strong... and I'll send you some of my own as well.

hugs, G.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Grunt, thanks for this powerful post. I totally agree with your view that God doesn't make you suffer to "teach you a lesson" or to make you grovel at his holy feet while you throw out the "Bat" signal for him to sweep down and perform the miracle that we are looking for. But you know what? I really needed this post as a reminder that I should do what is right in my life because IT IS RIGHT. I always try to do what is right, but as you know, my life has had its share of disasters and sometimes I wonder when God is going to see my "bat" signal or at least reward me for my good deeds and pull me out of my trap and all I can see around me is "evil" being rewarded. Great things are always happening for those who have no regard for anyone else and for those who flat-out deny God's existance. I am grateful that you reminded me that I should not care about this and live my life in a way I can feel good about regardless of how others see me.

I didn't know your nephew had another transfusion or about the other problems your sis and her family are suffering. I will remember them in my prayers, not to serve as a "bat" signal but because I believe God answers requests brought before Him in faith and for the good of others. :)

Christielli said...

Wow super deep post on a Monday.

I wish your nephew well.

Christielli said...

Wow, super deep post for a Monday.

I wish your nephew well.

Christielli said...

Wow, super deep post for a Monday.

I wish your nephew well.

Photogirl said...

I thought you said 'concise posts'? ;)

hope the shoulder heals. neck pain is no fun at all.

The Grunt said...

Scott~ Thanks for the well wishing. I don't know if I conveyed how I feel all the time, but I certainly felt that way right when I posted this.

Jules~ Thanks for the hugs. Oooh, it is cold in Red Deer! I'll have to get a couple of band-aides now.

Karyn~ I think it is tendonitis, or something like that.

Issy~ Do you work for St. Louis Amps, better known as Crate??? If you do, I have a VC5310 that is still humming along and blowing eardrums. This is not my profession, but I certainly can build stomp boxes, tube amplifiers, and a whole bunch of whatnots. I am into recording as well. So, is your place hiring? I do believe that God does have designs, but I don't feel like he gives you cancer, you know? I don't mind lessons and am grateful for what I learn.

Sun~ Thanks. It is nice to hear these things, even when you are aware of them. When someone reminds you of them it is reinforcing and you also feel appreciated. I like that.

O-girl~ I'm glad that this ramble of mine made sense to you and helped you out. I was a bit worried that it would just come off as a rant.

Christielli~ Thanks. "Super Deep Post Monday", that could be a new theme for me;)

Celeste~ Yeah, I started out just thinking I'd do a paragraph, but you know me. Thanks for wishing me well. This thing is really making me wince. I hope that is a turn on for most of you women--wincing.

vera said...

I'd love to be able to say something intelligent or add to the comments here, but I just really am not able to do that... I have no current "working knowledge" of this God Industry...

cindra said...

Holding hope in my heart for you and the lil' nevvie.