Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Broke down and beaten...yet, creative.

Going to the doctor's tomorrow. I'm fasting right now so I can get a blood test. I have been coming home from work this week and starting to tremor and feel chill--it's freaking hot and I feel cold! I really don't know what in the hell has been wrong with me, but if my doctor doesn't spend at least ten minutes with me I'm changing doctors. Whatever he has got going on, it seems like he is just in and out and kind of tunes out what you are talking about. I'm going to let him know my concerns about my care.

It's funny how my creativity works. I get inspired from certain positive sources, which I like, but that is rare. I seem to get most of my inspiration from my own suffering. I either get my heart stomped or general hard times and it's all a big hoe down in my brain with music, writing, and shit. So, not one to let the window pass, I am writing and composing some new songs. This stuff keeps me alive. It simply amazes me that people really love the stuff that I do. I'm not used to that.

I had hidden this part of my life for a long time and was embarrassed to share it with anybody. The reason why I was afraid was that the music I set out to create was like my idols: big swinging dick rockers, head music, or surly renegades. What eventually came out was just this expression of frustration (heartbreak), tenderness, and off kilter sensibility and humor. I really thought I'd be labeled a pussy by my friends, I really did. You know, in a lot of ways they are unaccepting of my best music. I think this may be because it conflicts with the image that they have of me. I don't perform for them or let them listen anymore because of it. My newer friends totally embrace it. What does this say about the people that I have called my friends for many years?

I'm done with mass mailings of cd's. I did one mass batch and it was alright, but I just don't have the time to do that anymore. I'm willing to do a few here and there. If you are interested, just email me with your request. I'll see what I can do.


vera said...

**grunt groupie forever**

it isn't always about the metal... sure, i loooooooooooooooove metal... but i also love music as a whole entity... and from the first song of yours that i heard, well, there's something distinguishable about its texture that rubbed me the right way...


Logophile said...

I love me some Grunty, oh you know its true.
Hope the doctor can fix what ails you, 'cept, ya know, that one thing. THAT'S incurable but you knew the risks beforehand!

Karyn said...

I always smile when your stuff comes up in my playlist.

Do talk to your physician; that is bullshit when they don't listen and look you in the eye.

As to who you call or have called, your friends... stuff changes, you know? Who we hang with and find very sympatico one year may not be the same in 5 years time.

Follow what feels right in your heart, babe.

goldennib said...

The people who know us have expectations of us which we created. And they just may not be able to change. Some people are ridged like that. It is easier for new people to accept us while we show off our "new" stuff.

Tell your doctor to get his shit together and give you some decent care. I hope you feel better soon.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

It is harder to share your hidden talents with people you have known for such a long time because when you do, they see it as this "new" side of you. I guess it can be weird for them to accept once they have a set image of you.

But as for your certainly have talent and you should embrace it no matter what anyone else thinks.

By the way, if there are new songs, you know I'm gonna be wanting them!

The Grunt said...

Vera~ Forever and ever??? Gosh!

Logo~ It's good to be the Grunty.

Karyn~ I like making people smile.

Nessa~ Yeah, I think you are right. Thanks.

O-Girl~ Nothing new has been cut, yet. My lungs can't hack it right now.

Jules said...

i'm glad you share.