Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bleh^10

My health has taken another downturn. It seems that I've relapsed and I'm starting to question my doc's abilities to diagnose me correctly. Like I've told some people already, I feel like an old coal miner ready to bite it. I wish I had the frame of mind and energy to post something entertaining for y'all, but it just isn't going to happen.

I will post stupid jokes, though. You like those, don't you?

The stupid jokes:

Jokey #1:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little
Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all
by yourself!"


Okay, try not to get too much nacho cheese on the
computer screen. BTW, that stuff is hard on the
nostrils.

Joke #2:

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who
were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be confident that if any mischief
occurred in their town, their two young sons were
involved in some capacity. The parents were at their
wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining children in the past,
so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his
best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so
the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first.
The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated
the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the
clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly
home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older
brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"


Hoo boy! That was a good one. I like to do things in
threes (even wash, rinse, and repeat--that is just
three steps within one process, baby)so here's the
last stinker.

Joke #3:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the
CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions
are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position. After sending some
applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
two men and a woman, but only one position was
available.

The day came for the final test to see which person
would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men
administering the test took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that
you will follow our instructions whatever the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun
and kill her." The man looked horrified and said,
"You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the
right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,"
they explained to the second man. "Inside you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and
kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but
nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led
her to the same door to the same room and handed her
the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow
instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is
your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The
woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the
door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the
gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.
Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard
screaming, thrashing, and banging on the walls. This
went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had
to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Jokey #4: Okay, so I lied about there only being three jokes. I couldn't resist.

Three explorers were captured during their expedition in the Amazon by blood thirsty cannibals. The men were bound and brought before the tribe's chief. The chief, upon finding that the men understood their language, offered each man one final request before their demise.

The chief said to the first captive, "Before we skin you, then boil your flesh, you may have one last request."

The first captive replied, "I would really like to see the photograph of my wife and kids one last time before I die, if you could just reach into my bag and get that for me."

The chief obliged.

The chief then turned to the second captive and made him the same offer as the first. The second captive replied, "I would like to have one last cigarette. My smokes are in my front pocket, if you could just get those for me and give me a light."

The chief obliged.

The chief then walked up to the last captive and extended the same offer given to his partners. The third man decided to question the chief, asking, "What will my flesh be used for, and my skin?"

The chief answered, a bit mystified, "Why, I will feed my village on your flesh and we will then build a grand canoe out of your skin so that I may have a vessel worthy of me. So, what is your final request?"

After a few moments of quick thinking, the third captive offers the chief his final request, "I want my lucky fork with me when I die."

The chief replies, "You want a what?"

Cunningly, "Yes...my lucky fork. It's there in my back pack. Please, get it for me."

Chief, curiously, replies, "Get his 'lucky fork'."

The natives search through his backpack and eventually find this lucky fork that the man spoke of. The chief then took possession of the fork and presented the captive his final request. The captive grabbed the fork then held it before his eyes, the sunlight gleaming off of the metal, raised the fork and began stabbing himself all over his body, shouting, "Fork your forking canoe! Fork your forking canoooooooooe!!!"


Ha! That was horrible.

9 comments:

Kayla said...

That last one was forkin' funny!
And the one with kids saying, "they think we did it" hits close to home!
I remember feeling that way too
:-)

Get better Grunty!

vera said...

I always get blamed when God goes missing... I should remember to close the screened door...
You need to take some 'erbs, Grunto...
/Vera

blog Portland said...

You soooo made that last one up, didn't you?

Jules said...

Thanks for trying, sweetie, but really... if you're not feeling well, don't feel pressured to blog! You don't need more stress making you sicker. Go see another doctor if you're not getting anywhere with your existing one. Mkay? End of comment.

Scary Monster said...

What!?! No doctor jokes? There shudda been at least one doctor joke.
STOMP

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Wow those jokes were too forkin' funny for words. My favorite was the one with the kids and God. lol.

But we're supposed to be the funny ones trying to cheer you up!!! So I'm gonna share with you some great brunette jokes! What? Do you really think a blonde bombshell such as myself would actually tell a blonde joke???? ;)

So here ya are...

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?...So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?...Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?..."Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?...The invitation.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?...It matches their mustaches.

Know who invented blonde jokes?... Brunettes, they have nothing else to do on a Friday and Saturday night.

Funny, no? Why am I hearing crickets right now??? :)

goldennib said...

I second the second opinion idea.

All those jokes were forkin' funny. That's alot of typing for someone who's not feeling well.

Karyn said...

Oh sweet Jesus. I'd heard them all except the last one - which had me snarking iced tea up my nose with uncontrollable laughter.

Feel better , kid.

denise d said...

I don't get it... :-(